AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
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Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by [Insert Name Here] » Tue Aug 16, 2016 1:25 pm
You know... this is actually really interesting to read... Not what I expected to find on this forum at all. xD
- [Insert Name Here]
- Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2016 11:58 am
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Sun Aug 21, 2016 4:53 am
Tonight on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, we examine the secret life of crocodiles.
We're all probably familiar with crocodiles and alligators. We've seen them acting like statues at the zoo, and thought, huh, not very interesting animal is it? Well, you may be surprised to learn that wild crocodiles are actually pretty smart, and are one of the animal kingdom's most intimate lovers.
There won't be a lot of pictures this time, because you probably know what a crocodile looks like, but just in case you thought they were green, we're talking about these motherfuckers:
Not to be confused with this mother fucker, an alligator:
Or this motherfucker, a caiman:
Although for the purposes of this dive into their secret lives, all of them exhibit variations of the same behaviors, so you can hold off on memorizing the differences for now.
So the secret life of crocodiles will make more sense once we realize that crocodiles are actually pretty smart, at least as smart as your pet dog, and unlike your pet cat, you can teach them to do tricks and call them by name. And all intelligent animals like to play, even need to play to stay mentally healthy. Unfortunately, a lot of zoos don't do enrichment activities for their crocs and gators, so what the public sees is an archosaurian equivalent of a severe mental patient. Of course wild crocodilians aren't exactly panda-cam-playful, but they have their moments.
Crocodilians do a lot of smart hunting techniques. Nile crocodiles in Africa return to the same watering holes every wet season to catch wildebeest. They don't have any magical internal clock or instinct to remind them, each crocodile learns this behavior by following older crocodiles, and then keeps track of the time and place mentally for next year. While hunting, some river crocs place sticks on their heads, knowing that birds will try to take the sticks for their nests. And it's no accident, only crocodiles that live around large bird populations exhibit this behavior. Some crocodiles also hunt cooperatively, with one crocodile scaring fish into the waiting mouths of his buddies, then swapping jobs later, a tactic that we give dolphins and whales a big pat on the back for. If you visit the same banks of a crocodile infested river, even twice, a crocodile is smart enough to notice your habit and spring a trap for you.
In one amazing story, a crocodile who was nursed back to health after taking a gunshot wound followed the man back to his house and lived and played with him for over 20 years. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocho_(crocodile)
Besides being smart, it may be surprising to learn that crocodillians are also tender lovers, and court their potential mates with all the senses. Loud bellows begin the mating rituals, musky scent glands are activated, males slap the water to show their strength. Once a mate has been secured, crocodillians will get delicate with each other, rubbing snouts together, blowing bubbles underwater, taking piggy-back rides and of course, fucking their archosaurian brains out. Once a mate is picked, crocs spend a couple days frolicking and fucking. Compare this to the loveless hump-fest your dogs and cats go through and you can start to appreciate crocodilians as a very distinctive animal. Crocodile moms are also known for being very devoted, building and guarding enormous nest, then carrying their new born babies in their mouths to safe water and even help them break out of their tough eggshells with their teeth. Mother crocs also guard their kids for a few years while they are growing. Although crocs are known to commit cannibalism and baby crocs do get eaten by adults, any croc will respond to that cute iconic chirping sound of a baby croc and come to the rescue if they hear it.
We're all probably familiar with crocodiles and alligators. We've seen them acting like statues at the zoo, and thought, huh, not very interesting animal is it? Well, you may be surprised to learn that wild crocodiles are actually pretty smart, and are one of the animal kingdom's most intimate lovers.
There won't be a lot of pictures this time, because you probably know what a crocodile looks like, but just in case you thought they were green, we're talking about these motherfuckers:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Not to be confused with this mother fucker, an alligator:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Or this motherfucker, a caiman:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Although for the purposes of this dive into their secret lives, all of them exhibit variations of the same behaviors, so you can hold off on memorizing the differences for now.
So the secret life of crocodiles will make more sense once we realize that crocodiles are actually pretty smart, at least as smart as your pet dog, and unlike your pet cat, you can teach them to do tricks and call them by name. And all intelligent animals like to play, even need to play to stay mentally healthy. Unfortunately, a lot of zoos don't do enrichment activities for their crocs and gators, so what the public sees is an archosaurian equivalent of a severe mental patient. Of course wild crocodilians aren't exactly panda-cam-playful, but they have their moments.
Crocodilians do a lot of smart hunting techniques. Nile crocodiles in Africa return to the same watering holes every wet season to catch wildebeest. They don't have any magical internal clock or instinct to remind them, each crocodile learns this behavior by following older crocodiles, and then keeps track of the time and place mentally for next year. While hunting, some river crocs place sticks on their heads, knowing that birds will try to take the sticks for their nests. And it's no accident, only crocodiles that live around large bird populations exhibit this behavior. Some crocodiles also hunt cooperatively, with one crocodile scaring fish into the waiting mouths of his buddies, then swapping jobs later, a tactic that we give dolphins and whales a big pat on the back for. If you visit the same banks of a crocodile infested river, even twice, a crocodile is smart enough to notice your habit and spring a trap for you.
In one amazing story, a crocodile who was nursed back to health after taking a gunshot wound followed the man back to his house and lived and played with him for over 20 years. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocho_(crocodile)
Besides being smart, it may be surprising to learn that crocodillians are also tender lovers, and court their potential mates with all the senses. Loud bellows begin the mating rituals, musky scent glands are activated, males slap the water to show their strength. Once a mate has been secured, crocodillians will get delicate with each other, rubbing snouts together, blowing bubbles underwater, taking piggy-back rides and of course, fucking their archosaurian brains out. Once a mate is picked, crocs spend a couple days frolicking and fucking. Compare this to the loveless hump-fest your dogs and cats go through and you can start to appreciate crocodilians as a very distinctive animal. Crocodile moms are also known for being very devoted, building and guarding enormous nest, then carrying their new born babies in their mouths to safe water and even help them break out of their tough eggshells with their teeth. Mother crocs also guard their kids for a few years while they are growing. Although crocs are known to commit cannibalism and baby crocs do get eaten by adults, any croc will respond to that cute iconic chirping sound of a baby croc and come to the rescue if they hear it.
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Fri Mar 31, 2017 5:51 pm
Tonight on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, shrink rays work, but only on antelopes.
Just kidding, these species of antelopes are just born small, and ohmyfuckinggodholyshit are they adorable...
First up, the small, adorable, and also hilariously named, dik-dik:
Difficult to tell in photos, dik-diks also have adorable prehensile noses that they will wiggle around as they scan their environment. It's really... seriously... I can't even...
Anyways, it's too much adorableness for one species to handle, so here is a close relative, the klipspringer:
You can kinda see this in the photos, klipspringers always stand on their tip-toes, tip-hooves? hoof-tips? Shup up. Anyways, this allows them to find purchase and put their weight down on the tiniest of rock ledges, making them amazing climbers.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
Just kidding, these species of antelopes are just born small, and ohmyfuckinggodholyshit are they adorable...
First up, the small, adorable, and also hilariously named, dik-dik:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Difficult to tell in photos, dik-diks also have adorable prehensile noses that they will wiggle around as they scan their environment. It's really... seriously... I can't even...
Anyways, it's too much adorableness for one species to handle, so here is a close relative, the klipspringer:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
You can kinda see this in the photos, klipspringers always stand on their tip-toes, tip-hooves? hoof-tips? Shup up. Anyways, this allows them to find purchase and put their weight down on the tiniest of rock ledges, making them amazing climbers.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Wed Jun 21, 2017 2:05 pm
Tonight on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, science has discovered a planet with a race of all-female reptilian amazons who can reproduce asexually, but still love to have sex.
The planet has been dubbed, Earth.
In the deserts of Arizona and New Mexico, there are several species of tiny little lizards known as whip-tails:
They are known for having tails that are longer than their bodies and a voracious appetite for desert bugs, but that's really burying the lead. Several species, like The New Mexico Whip-tail, Cnemidophorus Uniparens and Desert Grassland Whiptail, Aspidoscelis Uniparens are all females, and capable of producing offspring without a male.
"But wait", you might be thinking, "reproducing asexually is no fun! There's no sex!" Well, the all-female whip tails would certainly agree with you. These lizard still engage in a mating ritual known as pseudocopulation, or lesbian sex. One lizard will play male and mount its female partner. This activity apparently triggers some sort of hormonal response in the receiving female, allowing her to produce healthier eggs than she would alone. The pair of females will take turns playing male each season, and may be responding to hormonal changes in each other's ovulation cycles.
Interestingly, these lesbosaurs have not evolved away from the need for men, but are actually the result of hybridization between neighboring species of other whip tails. So they're basically like a mule or a liger, but instead of being sterile, the hybridization process (which I guess would be sex) has gifted these ladies with the ability to reproduce on their own. The lizards do not clone themselves, as most asexual organisms do, but instead each lizard carries 2 sets of chromosomes, so each child is produced by a combination of 2 pairs, just like a sexually created organism would be. And if any of you reading this happen to be a male whip tail lizard of a neighboring species, good news! These sex loving lesbian lizards that were created by hybridization, still engage in hybridization (which I guess would be sex) with the males of species that still have males.
And I mean, how many times have we daydreamed about an alien race of amazons who reproduce without the need for men, but still like to do sexy things and would still do sexy things with a man if they found one, but then you think to yourself, nah, that would never happen, that's just fantasy. Well, for whip tail lizards anyways, that fantasy is Real-as-Fuck.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
The planet has been dubbed, Earth.
In the deserts of Arizona and New Mexico, there are several species of tiny little lizards known as whip-tails:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
They are known for having tails that are longer than their bodies and a voracious appetite for desert bugs, but that's really burying the lead. Several species, like The New Mexico Whip-tail, Cnemidophorus Uniparens and Desert Grassland Whiptail, Aspidoscelis Uniparens are all females, and capable of producing offspring without a male.
"But wait", you might be thinking, "reproducing asexually is no fun! There's no sex!" Well, the all-female whip tails would certainly agree with you. These lizard still engage in a mating ritual known as pseudocopulation, or lesbian sex. One lizard will play male and mount its female partner. This activity apparently triggers some sort of hormonal response in the receiving female, allowing her to produce healthier eggs than she would alone. The pair of females will take turns playing male each season, and may be responding to hormonal changes in each other's ovulation cycles.
Interestingly, these lesbosaurs have not evolved away from the need for men, but are actually the result of hybridization between neighboring species of other whip tails. So they're basically like a mule or a liger, but instead of being sterile, the hybridization process (which I guess would be sex) has gifted these ladies with the ability to reproduce on their own. The lizards do not clone themselves, as most asexual organisms do, but instead each lizard carries 2 sets of chromosomes, so each child is produced by a combination of 2 pairs, just like a sexually created organism would be. And if any of you reading this happen to be a male whip tail lizard of a neighboring species, good news! These sex loving lesbian lizards that were created by hybridization, still engage in hybridization (which I guess would be sex) with the males of species that still have males.
And I mean, how many times have we daydreamed about an alien race of amazons who reproduce without the need for men, but still like to do sexy things and would still do sexy things with a man if they found one, but then you think to yourself, nah, that would never happen, that's just fantasy. Well, for whip tail lizards anyways, that fantasy is Real-as-Fuck.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by Sivi » Wed Jul 19, 2017 8:26 pm
AcetheSuperVillain Wrote:Tonight on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, shrink rays work, but only on antelopes.
Just kidding
LIES!
A real animal can't be this cute!
But before I can demand the plans for your shrink ray I somehow have to get this much cuteness out of my system.
- Sivi
- Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:16 pm
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Sun Jul 23, 2017 1:40 pm
Tonight, on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, what does the Humboldt Squid have in common with samurai commander Ii Naomasa?
They both share the nickname "Red Devil".
The Humboldt squid, also known as the Jumbo Squid, Diablo Rojo or Man-Eating Fuck-Face Squid, is one of the largest species of squid and has a reputation for being the most dangerous. According to fishermen's tales, anyone who falls off a boat while Diablos Rojos are in the water will be devoured immediately. Man-Eating Fuck-Face tentacles don't just have suckers, they are lined with teeth to better grip onto their prey. They are incredibly inquisitive towards divers, moving close enough to touch, and sometimes aggressively damaging lights camera and diving equipment. Even other Humboldt Squids aren't safe from the Humboldt Squid. Scientists attempted to capture a live squid and place a video camera on its head to study it, but as soon as it rejoined its school of squid, the others devoured the weakened squid in a feeding frenzy. Recent research into the Man-Eating Fuck-Faces suggests that the squids only display these aggressive behaviors when hungry, and are capable of being gentle giants most of the time. But still, a hungry Man-Eating Fuck-Face is bad news.
As if a man-sized man-eating squid wasn't dangerous enough, the Diablos Rojos live and hunt in packs, and are possibly quite intelligent, or at least very socially aware. Like all cephalopods, these squids have the ability to change their skin color. Humboldts use this ability to strobe white and red several times a second. You can see such behavior in this video. The flashing is not completely understood, but probably serves both as communication and as camouflage. A fast flashing squid could be conveying excitement to its fellow squid and rile them up to start a feeding frenzy or defensive response when needed. Deep underwater, the red pigment of the Humboldt Squid basically looks black, and flashing quickly between "on" and "off" color makes the fast moving squid difficult to track visually. All squids have particularly large nerves, and Humboldt Squids have some of the largest of any squid. It is not known how this effects the squid, it may be that they are making up for an inefficient nervous system with size, or it might give the fast moving fast flashing Man-Eating Fuck-Face a faster response time than most other organisms.
While the Diablo Rojo was once relatively rare, they are becoming more and more common, even driving off many of the fish. This is because these squids have adapted to live in an area of the ocean known as the Low Oxygen zone, which has been increasing is size lately, due to Global Warming. Increasing the Earth's average temperature by a few degrees over the next century may not sound particularly threatening, but an invasion of man-eating squid across the Pacific? Huh.
(If you're interested in learning more about this horror of the depths that man was not meant to know, there have been some great documentaries about it that you can find on YouTube)
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
They both share the nickname "Red Devil".
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The Humboldt squid, also known as the Jumbo Squid, Diablo Rojo or Man-Eating Fuck-Face Squid, is one of the largest species of squid and has a reputation for being the most dangerous. According to fishermen's tales, anyone who falls off a boat while Diablos Rojos are in the water will be devoured immediately. Man-Eating Fuck-Face tentacles don't just have suckers, they are lined with teeth to better grip onto their prey. They are incredibly inquisitive towards divers, moving close enough to touch, and sometimes aggressively damaging lights camera and diving equipment. Even other Humboldt Squids aren't safe from the Humboldt Squid. Scientists attempted to capture a live squid and place a video camera on its head to study it, but as soon as it rejoined its school of squid, the others devoured the weakened squid in a feeding frenzy. Recent research into the Man-Eating Fuck-Faces suggests that the squids only display these aggressive behaviors when hungry, and are capable of being gentle giants most of the time. But still, a hungry Man-Eating Fuck-Face is bad news.
As if a man-sized man-eating squid wasn't dangerous enough, the Diablos Rojos live and hunt in packs, and are possibly quite intelligent, or at least very socially aware. Like all cephalopods, these squids have the ability to change their skin color. Humboldts use this ability to strobe white and red several times a second. You can see such behavior in this video. The flashing is not completely understood, but probably serves both as communication and as camouflage. A fast flashing squid could be conveying excitement to its fellow squid and rile them up to start a feeding frenzy or defensive response when needed. Deep underwater, the red pigment of the Humboldt Squid basically looks black, and flashing quickly between "on" and "off" color makes the fast moving squid difficult to track visually. All squids have particularly large nerves, and Humboldt Squids have some of the largest of any squid. It is not known how this effects the squid, it may be that they are making up for an inefficient nervous system with size, or it might give the fast moving fast flashing Man-Eating Fuck-Face a faster response time than most other organisms.
While the Diablo Rojo was once relatively rare, they are becoming more and more common, even driving off many of the fish. This is because these squids have adapted to live in an area of the ocean known as the Low Oxygen zone, which has been increasing is size lately, due to Global Warming. Increasing the Earth's average temperature by a few degrees over the next century may not sound particularly threatening, but an invasion of man-eating squid across the Pacific? Huh.
(If you're interested in learning more about this horror of the depths that man was not meant to know, there have been some great documentaries about it that you can find on YouTube)
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:36 am
Tonight, on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, we take a closer look at the snake-necked, stilt-legged, shiv-faced prom-queen of the bird world, the heron.
The heron is often seen as a majestic and elegant bird, its lengthy features reminiscent of a leggy actress or Abraham Lincoln. You might see one hanging out by the water, wading in to try its luck with some fishing.
But, see, here's the thing. Herons don't just eat fish. They are voracious predators with a harpoon-gun for a face, and they will eat whatever the fuck they want:
(And fair warning this time, it is actually kinda graphic)
And if you wanted YouTube videos of that happening, then, boy, are you in luck:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6u7y4DAbQc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWf2C-aMat8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR6VyUmuVSo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2YjZVSIWnE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF3KeTyrnHI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3RureH3Eso
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6J41fT4FhI
And suddenly, the spell is broken, as we realize that the elegant super model bird actually makes its living by stabbing little critters with its face, and swallowing them whole without using its hands that it doesn't have.
But at least, we humans don't have to worry, because herons aren't all that big. Well, except for that one heron from Africa, the Goliath Heron, which grows to 4-5 feet tall, seen here fighting off a god damned Eagle:
Whoever thought that dinosaurs got less cool for evolving into birds, was clearly never eaten by a heron.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
The heron is often seen as a majestic and elegant bird, its lengthy features reminiscent of a leggy actress or Abraham Lincoln. You might see one hanging out by the water, wading in to try its luck with some fishing.
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
But, see, here's the thing. Herons don't just eat fish. They are voracious predators with a harpoon-gun for a face, and they will eat whatever the fuck they want:
(And fair warning this time, it is actually kinda graphic)
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
(the fuck is that, a baby xenomorph?)And if you wanted YouTube videos of that happening, then, boy, are you in luck:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6u7y4DAbQc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWf2C-aMat8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR6VyUmuVSo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2YjZVSIWnE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF3KeTyrnHI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3RureH3Eso
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6J41fT4FhI
And suddenly, the spell is broken, as we realize that the elegant super model bird actually makes its living by stabbing little critters with its face, and swallowing them whole without using its hands that it doesn't have.
But at least, we humans don't have to worry, because herons aren't all that big. Well, except for that one heron from Africa, the Goliath Heron, which grows to 4-5 feet tall, seen here fighting off a god damned Eagle:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Whoever thought that dinosaurs got less cool for evolving into birds, was clearly never eaten by a heron.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
Last edited by AcetheSuperVillain on Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by WingsofChange » Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:44 am
Now that this is back are we gonna make this a daily, weekly, or monthly thing or is it just gonna be an random event? Cuz I can help with keeping this train going a bit.
“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”
-Mae West and Woody Allen
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WingsofChange - Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2016 6:53 pm
- Location: Creepin' Under Your Bed
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Thu Sep 07, 2017 7:02 am
Totally random. Nothing about my life lends itself to a structured schedule.
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Tue Sep 26, 2017 3:37 pm
Actually, since you offered, I did make a list of topics to cover when I first came up with this idea. If someone wants to explore those on their own, have at it:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Tue Sep 26, 2017 5:23 pm
Tonight, on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, we look at two of South America's unique canines.
I present to you, the Maned Wolf:
It looks like a photoshopped supermodel with those fence posts it calls legs, but the Maned Wolf and its limber limbs are real-as-fuck. Although they are called Wolves and borrow the Fox's color palette, they are not closely related to any other canine, but like foxes, they prefer a solitary or monogamous life. Their scientific name Chrysocyon means "golden dog". Their unusual features help them to hunt in long grass. Long legs keep those big ears above the tall grass, so they can listen for tiny animals in their burrows. When the golden dog has detected its prey, it stomps on the ground to scare them out and then pounces.
And South America's second native canine, the Bush Dog, is, as you might expect, the exact fucking opposite:
Like the Maned Wolf, the Bush Dog is not closely related to any other canine, except, somehow, for the Maned Wolf. One can only imagine the awkward thanksgiving dinners and bar-room conversations that they have.
Thanksgiving:
Mom: "So, kids, how has your life been going?"
Maned Wolf: "Oh, you know, the modeling business can be rough. My agent signed me up for 6 more magazine covers. Ugh! I think they want to do some nudes! Sorry, I'm rambling, how about you, Bush Dog?"
Bush Dog: "...I asked out that armadillo from the coffee shop and he called the police."
At the Bar:
Dude: "Yo, babe, you're like, super pretty."
Maned Wolf: "Hee-hee, thanks, you're sweet."
Dude: "You with anybody tonight?"
Maned Wolf: "Just my sister."
Dude: "You've got a sister? Sweet! Where's she at?"
Bush Dog: "That would be me."
(Huge awkward silence)
Dude: "Okay, wait, which one of you's adopted?"
Anyways, just as the Maned Wolf is shaped to fit its lifestyle, the Bush Dog's chorizo figure is perfectly adapted to its lifestyle of navigating through underbrush in the forests of South America, or chilling out in burrows during the hot daylight hours. Webbed toes also allow them to navigate streams and rivers. Unlike the starlet solo Maned Wolf, Bush Dogs live and hunt in family packs, which allows them to take on bigger prey than the little mice and lizards their prettier sister puts up with. Pacas, Agoutis and Capybaras make up the normal dinner menu, giant rodents that grow as big or bigger than the tiny Bush Dog. But team work can also bring down larger animals, like the pig-like Peccary, ostrich-like Rhea, or the ...well, the Tapir.
It just goes to show that, as they say, "life finds a way". What seems like weird design is perfect for a weird lifestyle. While it might seem hard to believe that a lanky flame furred wolf-fox and a webbed-toed sausage dog belong in this world, you'd better believe it, because this world is Real-as-Fuck.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
I present to you, the Maned Wolf:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
It looks like a photoshopped supermodel with those fence posts it calls legs, but the Maned Wolf and its limber limbs are real-as-fuck. Although they are called Wolves and borrow the Fox's color palette, they are not closely related to any other canine, but like foxes, they prefer a solitary or monogamous life. Their scientific name Chrysocyon means "golden dog". Their unusual features help them to hunt in long grass. Long legs keep those big ears above the tall grass, so they can listen for tiny animals in their burrows. When the golden dog has detected its prey, it stomps on the ground to scare them out and then pounces.
And South America's second native canine, the Bush Dog, is, as you might expect, the exact fucking opposite:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Like the Maned Wolf, the Bush Dog is not closely related to any other canine, except, somehow, for the Maned Wolf. One can only imagine the awkward thanksgiving dinners and bar-room conversations that they have.
Thanksgiving:
Mom: "So, kids, how has your life been going?"
Maned Wolf: "Oh, you know, the modeling business can be rough. My agent signed me up for 6 more magazine covers. Ugh! I think they want to do some nudes! Sorry, I'm rambling, how about you, Bush Dog?"
Bush Dog: "...I asked out that armadillo from the coffee shop and he called the police."
At the Bar:
Dude: "Yo, babe, you're like, super pretty."
Maned Wolf: "Hee-hee, thanks, you're sweet."
Dude: "You with anybody tonight?"
Maned Wolf: "Just my sister."
Dude: "You've got a sister? Sweet! Where's she at?"
Bush Dog: "That would be me."
(Huge awkward silence)
Dude: "Okay, wait, which one of you's adopted?"
Anyways, just as the Maned Wolf is shaped to fit its lifestyle, the Bush Dog's chorizo figure is perfectly adapted to its lifestyle of navigating through underbrush in the forests of South America, or chilling out in burrows during the hot daylight hours. Webbed toes also allow them to navigate streams and rivers. Unlike the starlet solo Maned Wolf, Bush Dogs live and hunt in family packs, which allows them to take on bigger prey than the little mice and lizards their prettier sister puts up with. Pacas, Agoutis and Capybaras make up the normal dinner menu, giant rodents that grow as big or bigger than the tiny Bush Dog. But team work can also bring down larger animals, like the pig-like Peccary, ostrich-like Rhea, or the ...well, the Tapir.
It just goes to show that, as they say, "life finds a way". What seems like weird design is perfect for a weird lifestyle. While it might seem hard to believe that a lanky flame furred wolf-fox and a webbed-toed sausage dog belong in this world, you'd better believe it, because this world is Real-as-Fuck.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
-
AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by maximilianos » Thu Sep 28, 2017 6:44 pm
These posts are have been really entertaining to read on my way to and from university. Looking forward to the next one! 
I often find myself thinking that most people are utter shite. I try to be positive and prove myself wrong. So far I've yet to succeed in doing so.
On the otherhand: I know a few of the actually great people out there and that makes me happy enough.
On the otherhand: I know a few of the actually great people out there and that makes me happy enough.
-
maximilianos - Joined: Wed May 09, 2012 4:14 pm
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Sat Sep 30, 2017 6:24 pm
Tonight on AceSV's Real-As-Fuck Animals, we take a look at what happens when Mother Nature tries Acid.
It's a group of creatures called Sea Slugs. Nothing about the combination of "Sea" and "Slug" sounds like you're in for a good time. Slugs are not animals that get a lot of credit from the human race, and Earth's oceans are a complete freak-show full of Evolution's grotesque experiments into the most absurd lifeforms imaginable. So maybe it's no surprise that when Mother Nature finally got around to designing Sea Slugs, she took a dose of some pretty hard core drugs to loosen up first. We're left with a prismatic Rorschach test of pretty, cool, weird and bad-ass creatures.
Most Sea Slugs are Nudibranchs, which means "naked gill". Like slugs and snails on land, they have a pair of feelers growing from their heads and then a feathery plume of breathing gills sticking out of their butts or down their backs. As fans of Nature know, brightly colored animals are usually Nature's way of saying "fuck off, I'm insanely dangerous", and Nudibranches are no exception. The slugs do not produce venom on their own, but they have the ability to gain the powers of whatever they eat. So nudibranches will munch on venomous creatures like sea anemones and jelly fish, absorb their venomous stingers and use them in their own bodies for self defense.
As you might imagine, scanning through Sea Slug pictures can quickly turn into a day on the internet saying "ooh, look at that one, no wait, holy shit, THAT one..." So here are a few highlights.
The "adorable" "Sea Bunny":
I know I've made a big deal out of personifying Mother Nature and Evolution in this article already, but seriously, this thing looks like it was specifically designed to fuck with human beings' perception of cuteness.
The Spanish Dancer:
So called because its frilly body looks like a dancing gown, as it swims through the water by undulating.
The Sea Cow/Sea Sheep:
Instead of only absorbing toxins, the Sea Cow Sea Slug actually does something with its life and absorbs the chloroplasts from algae, the green color cells that allow plants to do photosynthesis and generate power from sunlight.
The Pikachu Nudibranch:
Yup, it looks like a Pikachu. It doesn't have any electrical powers, but it is a Nudibranch, so I guess if it ate a Pikachu, it could absorb its electric sacks.
Hopefully you stayed around for the end, because the final Nudibranch is a complete mind-fuck,
The Glaucus Blue Dragon/Blue Angel:
Where other sea slugs are built to slide on the seafloor or flap through the water depths, the Glaucus slug is built to float on the surface, where it hunts for other floating creatures, like the insanely venomous Portugese Man-o-War. Like other Nudibranches, the Blue Dragon can absorb the Man-o-War's stinger to make it one of the most dangrous creatures in the ocean. (so, yeah, you should not pick one up like the guy is doing in the photograph)
Actually, I almost wrapped up this article without asking myself, "do sea slugs have any freaky sexual, behaviors?" Because of course they fucking do, and I was actually kind of afraid of what I'd find, but here we go, I found it, and now so have you. They are hermaphrodites, like all gastropods, with both male and female organs, but they cannot fertilize themselves, and so they go seeking other sea slugs to do the deed with. But they have an extra sexual organ, a little hypodermic needle that injects their partner with a sex hormone. In most species of sea slug, they aim haphazardly, or might go for the area of female genitalia, but in one particular species, they aim exclusively for the "forehead" near the central nervous system, suggesting that the sex drug is some kind of mind control serum, although it's allegedly different across the 3000 species of Nudibranches. Some have suggested that this means the more aggressive Sea Slug who strikes first with its sex stinger, gets to use its male organs on the less aggressive slug's female organs, rather than both fucking each other equally.
So, they eat venomous stingers and toxic creatures to gain their powers, roofie each other with sex hormone needles, and are sometimes look like adorable bunny things. Makes you wonder what Mother Nature was huffing to make the Nudibranches Real-As-Fuck.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
It's a group of creatures called Sea Slugs. Nothing about the combination of "Sea" and "Slug" sounds like you're in for a good time. Slugs are not animals that get a lot of credit from the human race, and Earth's oceans are a complete freak-show full of Evolution's grotesque experiments into the most absurd lifeforms imaginable. So maybe it's no surprise that when Mother Nature finally got around to designing Sea Slugs, she took a dose of some pretty hard core drugs to loosen up first. We're left with a prismatic Rorschach test of pretty, cool, weird and bad-ass creatures.
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Most Sea Slugs are Nudibranchs, which means "naked gill". Like slugs and snails on land, they have a pair of feelers growing from their heads and then a feathery plume of breathing gills sticking out of their butts or down their backs. As fans of Nature know, brightly colored animals are usually Nature's way of saying "fuck off, I'm insanely dangerous", and Nudibranches are no exception. The slugs do not produce venom on their own, but they have the ability to gain the powers of whatever they eat. So nudibranches will munch on venomous creatures like sea anemones and jelly fish, absorb their venomous stingers and use them in their own bodies for self defense.
As you might imagine, scanning through Sea Slug pictures can quickly turn into a day on the internet saying "ooh, look at that one, no wait, holy shit, THAT one..." So here are a few highlights.
The "adorable" "Sea Bunny":
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
I know I've made a big deal out of personifying Mother Nature and Evolution in this article already, but seriously, this thing looks like it was specifically designed to fuck with human beings' perception of cuteness.
The Spanish Dancer:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
So called because its frilly body looks like a dancing gown, as it swims through the water by undulating.
The Sea Cow/Sea Sheep:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Instead of only absorbing toxins, the Sea Cow Sea Slug actually does something with its life and absorbs the chloroplasts from algae, the green color cells that allow plants to do photosynthesis and generate power from sunlight.
The Pikachu Nudibranch:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Yup, it looks like a Pikachu. It doesn't have any electrical powers, but it is a Nudibranch, so I guess if it ate a Pikachu, it could absorb its electric sacks.
Hopefully you stayed around for the end, because the final Nudibranch is a complete mind-fuck,
The Glaucus Blue Dragon/Blue Angel:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Where other sea slugs are built to slide on the seafloor or flap through the water depths, the Glaucus slug is built to float on the surface, where it hunts for other floating creatures, like the insanely venomous Portugese Man-o-War. Like other Nudibranches, the Blue Dragon can absorb the Man-o-War's stinger to make it one of the most dangrous creatures in the ocean. (so, yeah, you should not pick one up like the guy is doing in the photograph)
Actually, I almost wrapped up this article without asking myself, "do sea slugs have any freaky sexual, behaviors?" Because of course they fucking do, and I was actually kind of afraid of what I'd find, but here we go, I found it, and now so have you. They are hermaphrodites, like all gastropods, with both male and female organs, but they cannot fertilize themselves, and so they go seeking other sea slugs to do the deed with. But they have an extra sexual organ, a little hypodermic needle that injects their partner with a sex hormone. In most species of sea slug, they aim haphazardly, or might go for the area of female genitalia, but in one particular species, they aim exclusively for the "forehead" near the central nervous system, suggesting that the sex drug is some kind of mind control serum, although it's allegedly different across the 3000 species of Nudibranches. Some have suggested that this means the more aggressive Sea Slug who strikes first with its sex stinger, gets to use its male organs on the less aggressive slug's female organs, rather than both fucking each other equally.
So, they eat venomous stingers and toxic creatures to gain their powers, roofie each other with sex hormone needles, and are sometimes look like adorable bunny things. Makes you wonder what Mother Nature was huffing to make the Nudibranches Real-As-Fuck.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
-
AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by Trninja2 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 12:32 am
WOW! Just WOW!
This is like the coolest, craziest shit ever.
I've never even heard about some of these animals let alone seen anything like them.
There's been some crazy lookin spiders that I've taken pictures of, but nothing like this.
AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals has everything from cute to totally tripping balls, suck it Animal Planet.
This is like the coolest, craziest shit ever.
I've never even heard about some of these animals let alone seen anything like them.
There's been some crazy lookin spiders that I've taken pictures of, but nothing like this.
AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals has everything from cute to totally tripping balls, suck it Animal Planet.
Damn i'm good!
You know u have a good game when you forget its a dirty game
Where am i?
You know u have a good game when you forget its a dirty game
Where am i?
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Trninja2 - Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2012 12:21 am
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Thu Oct 05, 2017 3:45 am
Tonight on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, are Dragons real?
While I was double-checking some research about the Sea Slugs, I found a list of animals that look like dragons. And I thought, that sounds like fun! Let's start it off with a few Dragonic animals that have already been featured on Real-as-Fuck
Our old buddy, the Satanic Leaf-Tailed Gecko:
A stunning appearance that would make any dragon proud.
The majestic Ossifrage:
The "Bone Breaker" bird, in medieval Europe, these creatures fueled legends as terrifying as an Dragon tale.
The ancient Crocodile:
The word crocodile actually translates to "Pebble Wyrm".
And our most recent addition, the Blue Dragon Sea Slug:
But there's actually another kind of Sea Slug that's also called the Blue Dragon, from a different part of the world:
And now, for some new blood. A lot of Dragon lists start with the Komodo Dragon:
These are the largest living lizards, with forked tongues and a famous mean streak. Certainly Godzilla-like. But are they really Dragon-like? I don't know. I feel like I could do better.
Many lizards are called "dragons". Like the popular pet, the Bearded Dragon:
How about the impressive Sailfin Dragon:
The armored Armadillo Lizard:
The blood-spewing Horny Toad:
The super spiky Thorny Devil:
But of course, the most Dragonny lizard has to be the species that is literally called "Draco":
Dracos have special extensions of their rib bones which they can expand to create a parachute of skin to soar through the jungle canopy. Dracos cannot flap their "wings", so they can't truly fly, but it sure beats falling.
But why let lizards have all the fun? The mighty Alligator Snapping Turtle could surely keep up with dragon-kind:
Or the ridiculous Mata Mata:
From the world of snakes, there's the Xenodermus, aka Javan Dragonsnake:
The Horned Viper, Eyelash Viper and Bush Viper:
Holy shit, is that Rayquaza? Oh, right, a Vine Snake:
From the Amphibian family, we've got the Crested Newt:
Banded Newt:
Hellbender:
Axolotl and Olm:
And that's actually more dragon-looking animals than I thought I would have at this point, so let's call it a night, and I'll be back with some more Dragon-Ass animals from outside the reptile kingdom tomorrow.
While I was double-checking some research about the Sea Slugs, I found a list of animals that look like dragons. And I thought, that sounds like fun! Let's start it off with a few Dragonic animals that have already been featured on Real-as-Fuck
Our old buddy, the Satanic Leaf-Tailed Gecko:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
A stunning appearance that would make any dragon proud.
The majestic Ossifrage:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The "Bone Breaker" bird, in medieval Europe, these creatures fueled legends as terrifying as an Dragon tale.
The ancient Crocodile:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The word crocodile actually translates to "Pebble Wyrm".
And our most recent addition, the Blue Dragon Sea Slug:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
But there's actually another kind of Sea Slug that's also called the Blue Dragon, from a different part of the world:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
And now, for some new blood. A lot of Dragon lists start with the Komodo Dragon:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
These are the largest living lizards, with forked tongues and a famous mean streak. Certainly Godzilla-like. But are they really Dragon-like? I don't know. I feel like I could do better.
Many lizards are called "dragons". Like the popular pet, the Bearded Dragon:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
How about the impressive Sailfin Dragon:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The armored Armadillo Lizard:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The blood-spewing Horny Toad:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The super spiky Thorny Devil:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
But of course, the most Dragonny lizard has to be the species that is literally called "Draco":
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Dracos have special extensions of their rib bones which they can expand to create a parachute of skin to soar through the jungle canopy. Dracos cannot flap their "wings", so they can't truly fly, but it sure beats falling.
But why let lizards have all the fun? The mighty Alligator Snapping Turtle could surely keep up with dragon-kind:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Or the ridiculous Mata Mata:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
From the world of snakes, there's the Xenodermus, aka Javan Dragonsnake:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The Horned Viper, Eyelash Viper and Bush Viper:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Holy shit, is that Rayquaza? Oh, right, a Vine Snake:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
From the Amphibian family, we've got the Crested Newt:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Banded Newt:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Hellbender:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Axolotl and Olm:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
And that's actually more dragon-looking animals than I thought I would have at this point, so let's call it a night, and I'll be back with some more Dragon-Ass animals from outside the reptile kingdom tomorrow.
-
AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Thu Oct 05, 2017 4:49 pm
Tonight, on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, we continue the Dragon-list with some critters from the sea.
But first, I somehow forgot last time, the Spitting Cobras:
Probably because Cobras don't look all that Dragonny to me, but these snakes are important to Dragonology because their real-life habit of spraying a burning venom into the eyes of would-be attackers inspired the myth of giant serpents breathing fire, a trademark of western dragon lore.
And now, back to our scheduled program. It should come as no surprise to animal-fans that the ocean depths are full of Nature's most freakish and bizarre creatures. But luckily, a certain percentage of those creatures are superbly awesome and Dragonny.
But let's ease into the water with some fresh water species first. An obvious Dragon-like candidate is the ancient Sturgeon:
These prehistoric fish are as old as dinosaurs, and can grow to dinosaur-like sizes. A lot of lake-monster sightings are thought by skeptics to be giant sturgeons.
From the wild lakes and rivers of Africa, the toothy Tiger Fish is famous for taking chomps out of any humans that wander into its domain:
(Also, secret shoutout to River Monster fans)
Bettas, also known as Thai Fighting Fish, come in Dragon Scale varieties:
The Amazon's Arapaima is a gigantic and aggressive fish known for ramming people:
Final contender from the fresh water, the Armored Catfish:
(Also, if you remember the heron eating a baby xenomorph, I think that was one of these fish)
There are also fun Dragonny members of the Eel family. Starting off with the vicious and beautiful Moray:
It occurs to me, my idea of a beautiful animal may be a bit out there.
There's the New Zealand Eel. It may not look as Dragonny as other animals, but...
They're famous for swarming at the banks of the water and grabbing land animals that get to close, including sheep, horses and small humans, and death rolling them to shreds.
And how could I not touch the Electric Eel:
Again, not really Dragon looking, but it's in the top tier of animal superpowers with the ability to shock things to death with built-in bioelectric attack organs. It can even bring down Caimans. Seems as good as breathing fire to me.
Sea horses can also get in on the action, starting with the Maned Seahorse:
A straight up Chinese Myth Dragon, the Ribboned Pipefish:
The Weedy Sea Dragon:
The fabulous, Leafy Sea Dragon:
And a new one for me, the Ghost Pipefish and Harlequin Ghost Pipefish:
And this brings us to the deep sea Dragon fish. I was going to try to pick the most normal looking one to go first, so as not to break your brain cells all at once, but they're all complete batshit, so fuck it,
LancetFish, I choose you!
Frilled Shark, you're up!
Wobbegong, get 'em!
Flying Fish, go!
Oarfish, it's your turn!
Black Dragonfish, finish 'em off!
While we're at it, fuck Pokemon for using keys. Come on.
Almost forgot this guy, the Bichir:
I had never heard of this before I started looking for dragonny fish.
And some websites suggested the Lion Fish looks Dragon-like:
I guess I can see it, but to me these are too familiar to be dragons.
But first, I somehow forgot last time, the Spitting Cobras:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Probably because Cobras don't look all that Dragonny to me, but these snakes are important to Dragonology because their real-life habit of spraying a burning venom into the eyes of would-be attackers inspired the myth of giant serpents breathing fire, a trademark of western dragon lore.
And now, back to our scheduled program. It should come as no surprise to animal-fans that the ocean depths are full of Nature's most freakish and bizarre creatures. But luckily, a certain percentage of those creatures are superbly awesome and Dragonny.
But let's ease into the water with some fresh water species first. An obvious Dragon-like candidate is the ancient Sturgeon:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
These prehistoric fish are as old as dinosaurs, and can grow to dinosaur-like sizes. A lot of lake-monster sightings are thought by skeptics to be giant sturgeons.
From the wild lakes and rivers of Africa, the toothy Tiger Fish is famous for taking chomps out of any humans that wander into its domain:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
(Also, secret shoutout to River Monster fans)
Bettas, also known as Thai Fighting Fish, come in Dragon Scale varieties:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The Amazon's Arapaima is a gigantic and aggressive fish known for ramming people:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Final contender from the fresh water, the Armored Catfish:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
(Also, if you remember the heron eating a baby xenomorph, I think that was one of these fish)
There are also fun Dragonny members of the Eel family. Starting off with the vicious and beautiful Moray:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
It occurs to me, my idea of a beautiful animal may be a bit out there.
There's the New Zealand Eel. It may not look as Dragonny as other animals, but...
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
They're famous for swarming at the banks of the water and grabbing land animals that get to close, including sheep, horses and small humans, and death rolling them to shreds.
And how could I not touch the Electric Eel:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Again, not really Dragon looking, but it's in the top tier of animal superpowers with the ability to shock things to death with built-in bioelectric attack organs. It can even bring down Caimans. Seems as good as breathing fire to me.
Sea horses can also get in on the action, starting with the Maned Seahorse:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
A straight up Chinese Myth Dragon, the Ribboned Pipefish:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The Weedy Sea Dragon:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The fabulous, Leafy Sea Dragon:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
And a new one for me, the Ghost Pipefish and Harlequin Ghost Pipefish:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
And this brings us to the deep sea Dragon fish. I was going to try to pick the most normal looking one to go first, so as not to break your brain cells all at once, but they're all complete batshit, so fuck it,
LancetFish, I choose you!
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Frilled Shark, you're up!
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Wobbegong, get 'em!
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Flying Fish, go!
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Oarfish, it's your turn!
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Black Dragonfish, finish 'em off!
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
While we're at it, fuck Pokemon for using keys. Come on.
Almost forgot this guy, the Bichir:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
I had never heard of this before I started looking for dragonny fish.
And some websites suggested the Lion Fish looks Dragon-like:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
I guess I can see it, but to me these are too familiar to be dragons.
-
AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Fri Oct 06, 2017 5:12 pm
Tonight, on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, the exciting conclusion to our Dragon-like adventure.
Reptiles and fish seem like the most obvious places to find Dragon-like animals, but it got me thinking, are there any Mammals or Birds that are cool enough to hang with Dragons?
The first mammal worth checking out should have been obvious from the beginning, the giant Flying Fox Bat:
Bats are obviously where we get the modern Dragon's leathery wings. (although in medieval Dragon art their wings tended to look more like fish fins) Despite its formidable appearance, the Flying Fox is an herbivore, though it is a merciless destroyer of fruit orchards, which has earned it a bad reputation in Australia where they live.
Another decidedly Dragonic mammal is the scaly Pangolin:
The Pangolin's mighty scales can deflect even the fangs of Lions and Hyaenas, but unfortunately, humans are more crafty, and the Pangolin is the most poached mammal n the world.
Similarly armored is the Armadillo. The 9-banded Armadillos which were introduced into America are the most famous, but there are many other species in South America:
And this may be a bit weird, but I think antelopes are kinda dragon looking. At least, their horns are:
And why not Hippos? After all, they are the deadliest animal known to man:
Hippos probably aren't the most Dragonny animal, but maybe Dragons could be more like Hippos...
Also I can't help but think of Kangaroos because of Zok from the Herculoids:
And then there's birds. Here we get even less like a traditional dragon, but nowadays a lot of dragons have featheres, and there are some pretty monsterous looking birds out there, so let's give it a whirl.
A couple places on the internet suggested that the enormous Harpy Eagle is like a real-life dragon. It's at least got a mythical creature in its name, so let's give it a whirl:
As far as monsterous birds, there's the bizarre and frightening shoe-bill:
In the same vein, there's the Cassowary:
Some also suggested the Secretary Bird, which I can kinda see:
It also seems to me that long-tailed birds can look dragonny, so here are a few of those:
And honestly, a lot of birds have cool visual characteristics that could be applied to Dragons:
There were also a few websites that listed dragon-like bugs, but to me, bugs are bugs, they can't be dragons. So with that, I'm out of dragon-animal ideas. If there's any you think I missed, or any animals in this list that you think deserve a full Real-as-Fuck episode, let me know.
And by the way, thanks everyone for your views and positive feedback. I always feel like the best way to say thanks is with more Real-as-Fuck Animals, but I want you to know I do appreciate it.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
Reptiles and fish seem like the most obvious places to find Dragon-like animals, but it got me thinking, are there any Mammals or Birds that are cool enough to hang with Dragons?
The first mammal worth checking out should have been obvious from the beginning, the giant Flying Fox Bat:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Bats are obviously where we get the modern Dragon's leathery wings. (although in medieval Dragon art their wings tended to look more like fish fins) Despite its formidable appearance, the Flying Fox is an herbivore, though it is a merciless destroyer of fruit orchards, which has earned it a bad reputation in Australia where they live.
Another decidedly Dragonic mammal is the scaly Pangolin:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
The Pangolin's mighty scales can deflect even the fangs of Lions and Hyaenas, but unfortunately, humans are more crafty, and the Pangolin is the most poached mammal n the world.
Similarly armored is the Armadillo. The 9-banded Armadillos which were introduced into America are the most famous, but there are many other species in South America:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
And this may be a bit weird, but I think antelopes are kinda dragon looking. At least, their horns are:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
And why not Hippos? After all, they are the deadliest animal known to man:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Hippos probably aren't the most Dragonny animal, but maybe Dragons could be more like Hippos...
Also I can't help but think of Kangaroos because of Zok from the Herculoids:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
And then there's birds. Here we get even less like a traditional dragon, but nowadays a lot of dragons have featheres, and there are some pretty monsterous looking birds out there, so let's give it a whirl.
A couple places on the internet suggested that the enormous Harpy Eagle is like a real-life dragon. It's at least got a mythical creature in its name, so let's give it a whirl:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
As far as monsterous birds, there's the bizarre and frightening shoe-bill:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
In the same vein, there's the Cassowary:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Some also suggested the Secretary Bird, which I can kinda see:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
It also seems to me that long-tailed birds can look dragonny, so here are a few of those:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
And honestly, a lot of birds have cool visual characteristics that could be applied to Dragons:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
There were also a few websites that listed dragon-like bugs, but to me, bugs are bugs, they can't be dragons. So with that, I'm out of dragon-animal ideas. If there's any you think I missed, or any animals in this list that you think deserve a full Real-as-Fuck episode, let me know.
And by the way, thanks everyone for your views and positive feedback. I always feel like the best way to say thanks is with more Real-as-Fuck Animals, but I want you to know I do appreciate it.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
-
AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:35 am
Tonight on Ace the SuperVillain's Real-as-Fuck Animals, let's check out some of the weirdest critters from the longest river on Earth, the Amazon.
Starting out with the notoriously bad-ass, Giant Amazon River Otter.
Now, sure, it's gigantic for an otter, but even at 5-6 feet long, the words "bad-ass" and "otter" don't usually swim in the same stream. But with local names like Lobo Rio, the River Wolf, or Ari'rana, Water Jaguar, there's clearly something up with these guys. Basically, in a river system filled with top predators like jaguars, caimans, anacondas, dolphins, piranhas and other dangerous fish, the Giant Amazon River Otter's instinct is not to avoid danger, but to bite its head off. First they will try a show of force, barking and ganging up with their buddy otters around the potential threat. And if their enemy doesn't back down, the Giants will attack as a team, swarming from all sides with razer sharp teeth and graceful swimming ability.
In case you read the last paragraph and thought, "wait, dolphins live in the Amazon?" Well, Amazon River Dolphins do, aka the Boto:
Nothing really special about Amazon River Dolphins, except that they live in the god-damned jungle. Their famous dolphin echolocation comes in very handy in the murky and tangled jungle river system. Many areas of the Amazon are subject to season flooding, so during the wet seasons, Boto can swim through the trees like a bird. A fish bird. Mammal. Shit. Hey, look, they're pink!
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
Starting out with the notoriously bad-ass, Giant Amazon River Otter.
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Now, sure, it's gigantic for an otter, but even at 5-6 feet long, the words "bad-ass" and "otter" don't usually swim in the same stream. But with local names like Lobo Rio, the River Wolf, or Ari'rana, Water Jaguar, there's clearly something up with these guys. Basically, in a river system filled with top predators like jaguars, caimans, anacondas, dolphins, piranhas and other dangerous fish, the Giant Amazon River Otter's instinct is not to avoid danger, but to bite its head off. First they will try a show of force, barking and ganging up with their buddy otters around the potential threat. And if their enemy doesn't back down, the Giants will attack as a team, swarming from all sides with razer sharp teeth and graceful swimming ability.
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
In case you read the last paragraph and thought, "wait, dolphins live in the Amazon?" Well, Amazon River Dolphins do, aka the Boto:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
Nothing really special about Amazon River Dolphins, except that they live in the god-damned jungle. Their famous dolphin echolocation comes in very handy in the murky and tangled jungle river system. Many areas of the Amazon are subject to season flooding, so during the wet seasons, Boto can swim through the trees like a bird. A fish bird. Mammal. Shit. Hey, look, they're pink!
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
Re: AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals
by AcetheSuperVillain » Fri Jan 19, 2018 5:05 pm
Tonight, on Ace the SuperVillain's Real-as-Fuck Animals, what is Africa's most ferocious predator?
Lions? Hyenas? Mambas?
Fuck no. It's the Honey Badger.
If you've ever used the Internet, you may already be somewhat familiar with the Honey Badger's reputation, but that reputation is well deserved. If you read the first line and thought "I'm pretty sure a lion is more dangerous than a badger", be aware that Honey Badgers routinely get into fights with lions and win. In addition to their ferociousness, Honey Badgers are equipped with an arsenal of outright cartoonish super powers.
The Honey Badger is equipped with incredibly thick and loose skin. The looseness allows them to wriggle free and bite anything that tries to bite them. The thickness allows them to shrug off most attacks, even human tools like spears and machetes.
Honey Badgers are named as such because they like to raid bee hives for honey, where their thick skin shields them from bee stings. Another favorite snack is venomous snakes. While their thick skin helps here too, Honey Badgers also have an immunity to venom that allows them to shrug off the bites of cobras and turn them into safe crunchy snake snacks.
But ferocity and toughness don't come at the cost of intelligence. Honey Badgers are clever critters, even capable of using tools. For example, a "pet" Honey Badger was notorious for escaping its enclosure, first by piling up all the rocks and branches in its home to climb over the wall, then by climbing up the door and using its teeth and claws to undo the lock. The owners later got their Honey Badger a girlfriend to help calm him down, and installed a 2-part lock on the door, but now the 2 badgers were capable of communicating and undoing both locks together with teamwork.
And when teeth, claws, tough skin, venom immunity and intelligence just don't get the job done, the Honey Badger can fall back on its anal gland. Similar to its distant cousin, the Skunk, Honey Badgers can let fly a suffocating noxious fart whenever they really need to clear the room.
With all these defenses, it's really less surprising that a 20lb Honey Badger will attack cattle that trod on its burrow or chase lions away from their kills or walk into campsites full of people and eat their food right in front of them. It just goes to show, that sometimes all you need to make it through life is the biggest nads in the room. ...and also sharp teeth, claws, tough skin, venom immunity, tool use and suffocating noxious farts.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
Lions? Hyenas? Mambas?
Fuck no. It's the Honey Badger.
Spoiler (click to show/hide):
If you've ever used the Internet, you may already be somewhat familiar with the Honey Badger's reputation, but that reputation is well deserved. If you read the first line and thought "I'm pretty sure a lion is more dangerous than a badger", be aware that Honey Badgers routinely get into fights with lions and win. In addition to their ferociousness, Honey Badgers are equipped with an arsenal of outright cartoonish super powers.
The Honey Badger is equipped with incredibly thick and loose skin. The looseness allows them to wriggle free and bite anything that tries to bite them. The thickness allows them to shrug off most attacks, even human tools like spears and machetes.
Honey Badgers are named as such because they like to raid bee hives for honey, where their thick skin shields them from bee stings. Another favorite snack is venomous snakes. While their thick skin helps here too, Honey Badgers also have an immunity to venom that allows them to shrug off the bites of cobras and turn them into safe crunchy snake snacks.
But ferocity and toughness don't come at the cost of intelligence. Honey Badgers are clever critters, even capable of using tools. For example, a "pet" Honey Badger was notorious for escaping its enclosure, first by piling up all the rocks and branches in its home to climb over the wall, then by climbing up the door and using its teeth and claws to undo the lock. The owners later got their Honey Badger a girlfriend to help calm him down, and installed a 2-part lock on the door, but now the 2 badgers were capable of communicating and undoing both locks together with teamwork.
And when teeth, claws, tough skin, venom immunity and intelligence just don't get the job done, the Honey Badger can fall back on its anal gland. Similar to its distant cousin, the Skunk, Honey Badgers can let fly a suffocating noxious fart whenever they really need to clear the room.
With all these defenses, it's really less surprising that a 20lb Honey Badger will attack cattle that trod on its burrow or chase lions away from their kills or walk into campsites full of people and eat their food right in front of them. It just goes to show, that sometimes all you need to make it through life is the biggest nads in the room. ...and also sharp teeth, claws, tough skin, venom immunity, tool use and suffocating noxious farts.
This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"
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AcetheSuperVillain - Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:27 pm
- Location: Space
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