AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals

[AcetheSuperVillain]

So, I'm a guy who likes animals, even the ones I'm not allowed to fuck. I love learning about new kinds of animals, and some of the animals I find make me think, "really? REALLY???" Here are a few such animals.

Tonight I'd like to share with you two amazing members of the Uroplatus genus, or Madagascar leaf-tail geckos.

First, the Uroplatus fimbriatus, giant leaf-tail gecko:

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The giant leaf-tail gecko tries to hide by looking like the trunk of a tree. If that fails, it will deter attackers by opening its mouth and staring into their souls with its fucking crazy eyes and screaming at the top of its lungs. The actual lizard is no bigger than a squirrel, and not venomous or anything, but if you were trying to eat it, you might stop to think "hmm, maybe not". The giant crazy eye leaf-tail gecko is nocturnal and its eyes are 350 fucking times more sensitive to light than human eyes, allowing it to see colors perfectly in the dark. And as a diapsid, it can see more colors than mammals can.

Next is the Giant leaf-tailed gecko's cousin, Uroplatus phantasticus, the Satanic leaf-tailed gecko.

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Most Uroplatus phantasticus are camouflaged to look like leaves, but some of them are are camouflaged to look like crazy batshit demon things. Like their cousin, they are nocturnal, so if you happen to be spending the night in Madascar and find a 5 in long crazy batshit demon thing in your bed, don't worry, it's just a Satanic leaf-tailed gecko.



This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck-Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"

[kvier]

♥ the wtfevolution tumblr

[Lynxy]

That was an AMAZING post. Do you intend to keep this going? xD

[AcetheSuperVillain]

Absolutely.

Tonight on Ace the SuperVillain's Real-as-Fuck Animals, a bug that makes space aliens look sissy, the Macrodontia cervicornis:

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PS can you not resize images on this forum?

Macrodontia cervicornis mean "large teeth", "deer antler". The bug is also known as the Saber-tooth longhorn beetle, but this name is not very common. The first time I saw this thing, I thought it was a movie prop, but apparently, it's real-as-fuck. The pattern on its wing plates looks like something straight out of a bad/awesome sci-fi movie. It's among the largest of beetles, topping out at around 17cm long, though it's not as heavy as the fat-ass Goliath beetle and the Titan beetle is longer, but more boring looking. Shit though, 17cm long is about as big as a bird. Imagine feeding that motherfucker some bread at the park. Fuckin jungles.

The Sabertooth beetle actually spends most of its life, almost 10 years, as a grub the size of your hand:

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Oh, did you not want to see a beetle grub the size of your hand? Maybe should have thought that through. It's actually longer as a grub than an adult, about 21cm. The Sabertooth beetle lives for about 10 years as a grub, eating and growing. They spend about one year as an adult, just enough time to get fucked and die.



This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"

[That_One_Guy]

Some weird ass insects and shit there.

[Lynxy]

I'm dying xD
Let me know if you ever run out of terrifying earth-aliens.

[AcetheSuperVillain]

They won't all be terrifying

[AcetheSuperVillain]

Tonight on Ace the SuperVillain's Real-as-Fuck Animals, some animals aren't weird for what they are, but for where they are. Let me introduce you to two of New York City's most surprising residents:

First the Monk Parakeet:

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The monk parakeet is obviously an invasive species to New York, but then so are pidgeons or for that matter newyorkers. They are most common in Brooklyn, away from the hawks, falcons and owls of Central Park. Interestingly, the city considered a plan to exterminate the monk parakeets, but found that parakeet poo was much less destructive to the historic stone buildings and graveyards than pidgeon poo, so in the end the parakeets are actually preserving the historical landmarks of Brooklyn.

But, NYC is a home to many amazing birds, even a few Bald Eagles, so it's not so surprising that intelligent parakeets can figure it out. The next NYC immigrant is a little more shocking.

Coyotes:

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(this one's actually riding the train in Portland OR, but at least one coyote has been spotted in the NYC subway

To some, it's surprising that coyotes even live that far east, but as it turns out, coyotes go anywhere they fucking want to. What's more interesting is that the coyotes in NYC are a new breed of coyote, some call it a new species, called the Eastern Coyote. Before humans, the eastern USA was ruled by wolves. Now that the wolves have been kicked out by humans, coyotes are starting to move in. But coyotes can make babies with wolves and dogs, and the first coyotes to move out east made sweet love to anything they could find. Thus the new Eastern Coyotes have about 25% wolf DNA and up to 10% dog DNA. This makes Eastern Coyotes noticeably larger than original blend Coyotes, and unpredictable in their behavior. Eastern Coyotes are also all over New England to the north, where the wildlife website of my own state claims that coyotes are literally everyone, every resident, rural, suburban or urban, lives within one mile of a coyote.

Coyotes have a more generalized digestive system than wolves and dogs, and can supplement their meat diets with various fruits and vegetables. This adaptation allows them to take advantage of NYC's number one food source, garbage. Coyotes also lack the majestic fearsomeness of a wolf, so unless you're familiar with the animal, a wandering coyote looks just like a stray dog. But coyote packs hunt and kill large animals like deer, and the Eastern Coyote's wolf ancestors hunt and kill animals like bison and bear, so there's a danger that NYC coyotes might get bored of eating trash and roadkill and start hunting pets, kids and humans. However, from an ecological point of view, it's amazing to see that such an urban jungle like NYC is ecologically healthy enough to support something as high on the food chain as a coyote.


This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"

[Lynxy]

Cayotes? Really? REALLY??
That's actually rather amazing.
Informative and funny as hell.

[AcetheSuperVillain]

Tonight on Ace the SuperVillain's Real-as-Fuck Animals, the amazing death muppet raptor.

Gypaetus barbatus:

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Known as the bearded vulture, lammergeier, ossifrage or totally metal, it's is one of the coolest looking birds ever. Just in case the looks weren't metal enough, the bearded vulture specializes in eating bones. Specifically, they go for the marrow, either by cracking the bones with strong beaks or dropping the bones onto rocks from the sky. Their name "ossifrage" actually means "bone breaker". But if that doesn't work, the bearded vulture's stomach acids are plenty strong enough to melt bones, as long as they fit in their mouths. If they get bored or really hungry, bearded vultures attack and eat creatures as large as themselves. They eat tortoises by picking them up and dropping them to crack their shells, and can kill smaller birds like pidgeons by beating them to death with their wings. Bearded vultures also attack creatures as large as mountain goats or antelopes, their name "lammergeier" meaning "lamb-hawk".

The bearded vulture once inspired legends. It now inspires a lot of artwork:

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This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"

[Lynxy]

Crikey, what a beauty!!
I'm gonna have to be soo careful.
Come 'ere look at this!
Ohh, he's angry!!
Danjah! Danjah!
Oh, are you gonna bite me?
Are you gonna bite me you naughty- Ahhhh!
He got me.

[AcetheSuperVillain]

That is exactly what they are like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvmhWEYPka0

[AcetheSuperVillain]

Tonight on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, we meet one of nature's true adoraBAMFs, the shrike.

Shrikes come in many different forms and live all over the world. Here's North America's Loggerhead Shrike:

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Adorable! Shrikes also have the adorable habit of impaling smaller animals on spikes:

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Bad ass! What's going on here is that the shrike has evolved a taste for meat, but not the tools to eat it. Shrikes are passerines or songbirds, relatives of sparrows and chickadees and the like. Shrikes can off their victims easily enough bypecking them in the head until their necks collapse, but once that's done, the shrike doesn't have the shredding beak and talons or powerful muscles that raptors use to carve up their kills into bite size chunks. Instead, shrikes impale their victims on a handy spike, and pull away shrike sized servings. If the meat is still too tough, a shrike might let its victims hang on the branch for a while, so that baking in the sun or starting to rot softens up the meat for them. Loggerhead shrikes are able to eat poisonous grasshoppers by letting them bake in the sun for a few days until the poison deteriorates. Shrikes also hunt when their not hungry, stashing corpses to eat later, or making a nice collection to impress any hot lady shrikes that come to visit. In fact, the shrike courtship ritual includes a dance that imitates their impaling motion and the male feeds the female from his private stash. Then they fuck each others brains out in a tree full of hanging corpses while shouting the lyrics to their favorite songbird deathmetal albums.



This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"

[berserkerhorn]

At first i was like "really? This is really happening?"
Then the thread grew on me
Fuck nature

[AcetheSuperVillain]

At first i was like "really? This is really happening?"
Then the thread grew on me
Fuck nature

I mean, that's what you were supposed to think, right?

[Lynxy]

I only love nature all the more for it.

[AcetheSuperVillain]

Tonight on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, a felid that has been called the most expressive cat in the world.

Behold the many faces of the Manul:

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Also called Pallas' Cat, the Manul lives in the cold climates of Central Asia where its thick coat of fur keeps it warm. Honestly, the Manul isn't all that interesting, except that it looks funny as shit. It's nice to visit an animal once in a while that doesn't horribly kill things, but then it is a cat, so ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIXw-3H48yU



This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"

[Lynxy]

I feel blessed by this collection of faces. It's even better that they're attached to a roundish puff ball with feet.

[AcetheSuperVillain]

Holy shit, it's been a week.

Tonight on AceSV's Real-as-Fuck Animals, adorableness and weirdness have a baby.

It's called a Jerboa:

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That one's photoshopped, I hope...

The Jerboa lives in desert areas in North Africa, the Middle East and Central Asia. I'm guessing its name is Arabic for bug-eyed-fur-ball-on-stilts. Jerboas confuse the shit out of me because they've got the makings of a cute animal, but they're just a touch too weird. Seriously, how they manage to look like cute little mustache mice with giant insectoid alien eyes yet somehow vaguely reminiscent of a tyrannosaurus is just mind boggling.

And yeah, weird as it looks in photographs, it's even weirder to see them in motion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRDS-2brA4Q

And here's one getting chased by a fennec fox for the most adorable dance of life and death ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnP-m2KRxi0

Nothing too biologically interesting about them. Obviously the big eyes are for a nocturnal lifestyle, the long legs are for running fast, the long tail helps to keep balance and steer. Their hairy feet give them better traction while running in sand, so you can add hobbits to the blender along with mice, mustaches, big eyed bugs and tyrannosaurs. There are some similarities to macropods, but macropods are their own brand of bat-shit that I will get around to eventually. If you were wondering, yes, there are different kinds of jerboa, like long eared jerboa and pygmy jerboa.



This has been Ace the Super Villain's Real-as-Fuck Animals. Tune in next time as I ask the question, "really? REALLY???"

[Lynxy]

Makes me think of springhaas but super tiny and funnier.