Well, if you really want to know how to top it, then here goes:
The text in the title page, "Mr. D's Krystal Ball," could be more interesting. Can you use a different font or Italics or something? Also, you may want to look into how the text fits on the lines. You can increase the font size of "Mr. D's" or the leading (the space between points), because as it stands, it's pretty dull-looking. (And I'm just going to go through and try to cover everything.)
Font could be changed throughout to make quick improvements on the design. "Intro", for example, pops too much and could be more subtle but more attractive.
"Hello there allow me..." first text box should be divided here with a period or a semicolon. "Hello there. Allow me..."
"Now that I think about it. I don't see..." second text box should be "Now that I think about it, I don't see..." "MASTER ARE YOU HERE???" should probably be divided with a comma, "MASTER, ARE YOU HERE???"
Third text box- "Oh Master 'D' there you are." should probably be divided, "Oh, Master 'D'! There you are."
Fifth text box- "You stay here in case the thief would come back." is almost never seen in the English language and reads awkwardly. "You stay here in case the thief comes back." is something more like what you would see. "For some reason it does not show peoples clothes." should be "For some reason, it (doesn't or does not) show people's clothes."
(I lost track of text box numbers)- "Well I better do as master says and don't use the crystal ball." should be "Well, I better do as master says and not use the crystal ball."
"Does not"- in almost every instance could be better replaced with "Doesn't".
Exposition: (Font could be changed up here too) "Krystal flew through an time portal with her spaceship." should be "Krystal flew through a time portal in her spaceship." "She found her self" should be "She found herself". "SharpClaws" should be "Sharpclaws". "Thankfully the SharpClaws are not hostile. So the only..." should be "Fortunately, the Sharpclaws are not (aren't) hostile, so the only..." With that comma placed, the full sentence should read, "Fortunately, the Sharpclaws aren't (or are not) hostile, so the only problem now is getting food and finding a way back home." (Replace "find" with "finding".)
"Ow, how handy." should read "Oh! How handy." or "Oh! How handy!" "Ow" is something you say when you're injured.
"Darn it. I am so hungry right now. And there is still the problem of how the heck will I get out of here. The only thing I have is a rope but that won't help me in this situation. At least the SharpClaws are not hostile."- "Darn it. I'm so hungry right now, and I still don't know how the heck I'm getting out of here... ("..." represents omitted text that doesn't need editing.) At least the SharpClaws aren't hostile."
Major change: Her tail is moving, but her body isn't. This one would take a bit longer, but if her tail is moving, you should probably have her blink and her arms at her sides. She looks like she's half-frozen right now.
"Hmm what is this fruit?" should be "Hmm... what is this fruit?" "Well it does not look poisones and I "am" hungry..." should be "Well, it doesn't look poisonous, and I (italics) am (close italics) hungry..." "Oh well here goes nothing." should be "Oh well. Here goes nothing." or even "Oh well... here goes nothing."
"Well no matter I need to fuck something hard and FAST!!!" should be "Well, no matter. I need to fuck something hard and FAST!!!" Also, you don't really need some of the ellipses in this box. Starting a new paragraph "Is that a sharpclaw (I'm not sure you even need to capitalize it) over there?" and then starting another paragraph, then "Hmm... now where did I put that rope?" so that it reads:
"Is that a sharpclaw over there?
Hmm... now where did I put that rope?"
should work too.
Major change: Krystal's mouth in this scene looks really odd. It shouldn't be so square and harsh, but should curve around his penis. (Otherwise, very hot!)
Is it me, or are the characters suddenly a lot bigger after that scene?
"Well that was entertaining. But still not enough." should be "Well, that was entertaining. But still not enough." or better yet: "Well, that was entertaining, but still not enough."
"No... how this happen... me saving for marrige..." should be "No... how this happen... me saving for marriage..." I know he's uneducated, but the "a" in "marriage" isn't even pronounced, so he'd have a hard time mispronouncing it in that way.
"Oh I will enjoy popping you." should be "Oh, I will enjoy popping you" You don't really need the period. You can keep it if you want, but it sounds unnatural to break it up like that. (Continued "HAAAAAARD" on next line).
The next animation looks pretty good. I'm not sure if she should be leaning back though.
"Awww. I am sorry big guy.
Here have a yummy fruit." should be:
"Ahhh... I'm sorry, big guy. (or "Ahhh... I am sorry, big guy.") (<"Awww" is generally something you say in reaction to something cute.)
Here, have this yummy fruit."
"wierd" should be "weird". "Its itchy" should be "It's itchy."
"Oh yeah. Come and get your don-don." I have a feeling she'd be more excited than that: "Oh yeah! Come and get your don-don!" (The excitement would also make it even sexier.)
(This scene is HOT.)
You don't ever use more than three dots in an ellipsis. (I've been misspelling it... apologies.) So this next box should read "Oh yeah... That was a good one... I have to just... lie down for a while..."
"...Ow would you look at that. An friendly SharpClaw is running towards me... he looks... erected?" (replacing appropriate number of dots for ellipsis) should read "Oh, would you look at that? A friendly sharpclaw is running toward me. He looks... erect?"
"Well at least buy me a dinner first" should be "Well at least buy me dinner first."
(HOT!)
"Now that was an interesting experience....." (<ellipsis)
"Wait what?!?!?" should be "Wait, what?!?!?"
"Hey are you all right? I just saw that SharpClaw..." should be "Hey, are you all right? I just saw that sharpclaw..."
"No worries, I am ok..." should be "No worries. I'm okay." Also, when you put the emphasis on the "AND" in this sentence, it sounds odd, but that's your call. With that in mind, the next sentence should read, "That reptile just ran here, started fucking me, and didn't even buy me dinner!" ("ran here" is a little weak. I might use "charged me" or something similar, but again, it's your call.)
"I don't really mind that he fucked me, I mean it was a while since I had a man. BUT that dinner pissed me off. There are ways how to do these things, if you know what I mean?" My suggestion: As it stands, there seems to be a lot of emphasis on how he didn't buy her dinner. If you wanted to make it more shorter here, (and make the joke seem a little less drawn out,) you might write "I don't really mind that he fucked me. It's been a while since I was with a man, but he should have at least bought me dinner, you know?" All that aside, you should at least break up the first two phrases with a comma. "I don't really mind that he fucked me. I mean, it's been a while since I had a man. But that dinner pissed me off..." (Putting the emphasis on the "BUT" just flows unnaturally.)
Whew... that was a long suggestion.
"Hmmmm so you are hungry?" should be "Hmm... so are you hungry?" or "Hmm... so you're hungry?"
"Oh thank you." should be "Oh, thank you!"
My suggestion for this particular box is that you break it up into two boxes instead of relying too heavily on ellipsis. It would read: "Oh, thank you! It's so nice to meet a kind, civilized person! (New box) Hmm... this fruit is really good!" (Start another new box, maybe MAJOR CHANGE change her eyes so she's looking down at the ground, possibly squinting to reflect discomfort.) "What's this? I'm feeling strange... so hot..." Otherwise, you could leave it as is. That's only my suggestion.
Here, you'll want to use exclamation points, not ellipsis: "AHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"Ohhh I am pretty sure I can think of something I can do about that." should be "Oh... I'm pretty sure I can think of something to do about that." or an exclamation point to increase sexual excitement: "Oh... I'm pretty sure I know what to do about that!" (<Suggested change- replace "can think of" with "know what". Shortening your sentence decreases sentence length, which goes with the mood.)
(Gah! This is hot! But major change: The leg position behind Gardevoir's and in the distance shouldn't be so wide or long. Because it's further away, it should appear smaller.)
To make this shorter, I'm going to write my suggested changes rather than writing out all of what you wrote. Since I'm going in order, it should be easy to follow:
"Okay. That was fun, but now make me the way I used to be. I can't run around the forest like this. I have WAY too many horny female friends, and there is no way I'll survive if they find out I grew a dick." (Most important change- to>too)
"Okay. Have this.
It should reverse the effect."
"Un-grow" isn't a word.Suggested change: "And that means that if you eat it, then you will lose that dick." (<As Lucky777 said, this is one of those instances where "than" should be "then".) (This applies to the next box as well.)
Suggested change to next box:
"Oh! You're right! That makes sense.
All right. Then I will give it a try."
"Hmm... this tastes just like the fruit before. I don't feel any change yet..." (Start a new box.) "Wait... something is happening! My body... It feels like I was split in two!"
This box could use some better writing. (I'm not trying to offend you... this is just some stuff I'm noticing.) So here's what I'm suggesting:
"Not the kind of reaction I was expecting, but okay...
READY OR NOT HERE I COME!!!!!" (The "but I will do it anyway" is redundant, and people probably wouldn't say that.)
(HOT!)
(Oh, but again, Major Change: You might want to make Krystal's lips curve more around the cock.)
"Ahhh... they fainted. (Again, "awww" denotes a reaction to something cute.)
Well, I guess I might have overdone it a little bit..."
Next box:
"Wait a second. Their cum smells sort of familiar.
NO! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" (Start a new box. Change from surprise to normality too sudden.)
"I have to analyze this right away."
(Wait... did she just analyze it? How? Well, anyway...)
"Yes, it's true! Their cum has "deus-ex-machinotium" in it!
I can use this for my space-time teleportation machine, which I was working on but for some reason didn't mention until now."
(This is a little drawn-out. You might consider shortening this dialog a bit, because it's a bit anticlimactic. But that's just my opinion.)
If you're going to capitalize this, you should probably include an exclamation point as well: "YES, IT'S WORKING!" "Unknown" needs an "n". "So long unknown planet, and hello home!" "Suprised" should be "surprised". "Everyone will be so surprised to see me back! Maybe I should take some of that fruit with me..."
Suggested change: "And so, using her time machine, Krystal was able to escape the world of the past. But her actions had consequences all around time and space, even influencing residents of other worlds..." (The way you have it written now is a bit drawn-out, so this is what I'd suggest.)
"Oww... my head..." (Suggestion: New box) "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?! It felt like something hit me from out of nowhere when we were about to transform! Wait a second..." (Suggestion: New box) "Wait a second... My hands... My body... WHAT'S GOING ON?!"
"What the heck happened to my body?
It feels like I'm stuck between my cursed and true form!
That reminds me... LINK! WHERE ARE YOU?"
The next box: "I never knew your dick was SO BIG!"
"To tell you the truth, until now I wasn't even sure I had a penis."
"Really? And why is that?" or my suggestion: "Really? Why?"
"Well, I don't have one in my wolf form.
And for some reason, I can never get naked. Whenever I want to take them off, more clothes take their place and the clothes I was wearing just go back in my backpack. It's almost like somebody's CONTROLLING MY LIFE!" (<I really don't mean to micromanage or anything, but you have some really clever humor here. It just needs some better delivery.
So that's my suggestion. If you don't want to take it, then I'd still say you should change "cen" to "can". Typo.)
"Well, since we get to see your junk...
Why don't we have a little fun with it?"
"Oh, don't worry, big boy.
It will be our little... I mean, BIG... secret." (Most of the changes I'm suggesting are just to help with the mood. "Ow" would still be used to express pain though, so that's an important change.)
(This is HOT. But again, you might want to take a look at how the jaw/mouth interacts with the penis. It should still curve around the penis.)
"Hey! I might have had a taste of your dick, but I didn't TASTE it yet.
So what are you going to do about it?!?!?"
"I'm coming!"
(Oh holy crap, that's hot.)
"Wow! I didn't know it could go that deep!
So what do you say, big boy? Are you up for another round?" (My suggestion- adds to the sexual mood, but if you don't like it, I'd still recommend looking at the small punctuation changes.)
"OH NO! This is bad! I can smell Zelda, and she's coming this way!
Quick, Midna, you have to distract her somehow!"
(MAJOR CHANGE: The one thing I was really disappointed with was Zelda. She's too small, too thin, and as it stands right now, she REALLY looks like an inflatable sex doll. Aside from design, I'd really suggest changing her mouth, which is just randomly open, reinforcing the "blow-up doll" feel. Otherwise, add more detail... she needs a belly button, for example... and sexify that sizzling princess!)
"(Damn it. I have to distract her somehow.)"
(It's still REALLY hot though.)
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!?
DIDN'T I FORBID YOU FROM USING THE CRYSTAL BALL?!"
"B-B-BUT MASTER! THERE WERE TITS EVERYWHERE!" (<Add an "e", like Lucky777 said.)
"This was your final test to see if you had what it takes to call yourself a 'wizard'."
"But I ignored your orders for tits...
I don't understand how I passed."
"Well you see, no one becomes a wizard because ("because" misspelled) the fireballs or magic missiles look pretty.
We do it for the pussy. Women love men with power. And if they don't, you can just make your own women."
"I did it! I finally became a wizard!"
Note: I'm not trying to be pushy. These are just some suggestions I have for improving your game. I really hope you'll at least take mind of the punctuation and grammar suggestions, because there are times when they distract. I love your game (and it is a game in everything but the fiercest technicality). There are moments when the way the text is written detracts from the mood, and I did my best to point those moments out. (And where I didn't write out the complete text, I'm not trying to say "erase everything that you've already written and leave this in." I simply didn't have the patience to write out the complete text of every box, and so I just wrote out what I thought would do better with a change.
Anyway, great game! Very sexy!
by OwnerOfSuccuby » Sat Sep 03, 2011 12:27 am 
when it is screen with a lot of buttons on it 
Interesting to see them together.
