QuizmasterBos Wrote:MPLDAM9919 Wrote:Ok. I think I have the Krystal sex scene script figured out. Tell me if this is "embarassed" or too slutty.
Orignal
Krystal sex scene
-Peach: Who...Who are you?
-Krystal: I am Krystal of the Star Fox crew. And....you must be Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. I hear you're searching for someone.
-Peach: I've heard of you. Well...I'm on a mission to rescue my dear Mario...
-Krystal: Your friend that travels through space is a friend of mine. I'm here to help you... "relax". [Later on, you will read some changes I made to the above lines. I added a few extra bits of text to make the script flow better)
-Peach: Well, I could use a cup of tea. I've been forced to...um..never mind.
-Krystal: Forced to what?
-Peach: To... to have sex with those vile Koopas...MMPH! (Can you explain to me what this MMPH means?)
-Krystal: (embarrassing face) wow, really? (Personal preference, kind of, but Krystal is very serious and speaks in a somewhat serious manner, I don't think this line fits her well.
*Krystal starts making out with Peach*
***Peach (in thought bubble): WHAT IS SHE DOING?!? *They stop making out* (Actually, we don't need to use a thought bubble here. We can also just use: "Mmph?!!!" If we can combine this with Peach having her eyes wide open, to show she is surprised, it would work just as well.)
-Peach: I thought you were going to help me relax!
-Krystal: I am, my dear princess. Now let me take off my clothes and your cute pink dress. <3 (refer below to the comments about line 11.)
Krystal takes off her suit then proceeds and takes off Peach's dress. Peach is now covering herself with her hands*
-Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! This isn't what I had in mind!!! I want my dress back! [refer below to the comments about line 12)
-Krystal: My, my! Aren't you a cutie! Now, let me lick that sweet pussy of yours!
*Krystal gets on her knees and starts licking Peach's pussy.*
*Peach (in thought bubble): Ughh....I can't believe I'm being fucked by a furry! This is embarrassing! I hope no one is watching. (refer below to line 14)
-Krystal: Mmmmmm...Peachy! (Same problem as with the Wow, really? line
*Krystal now has Peach lying of her back and she is licking away at Peach's pussy (or lapping for that matter) (I prefer seeing the same scene as has been going on, except Peach tightly grabs Krystal's head. What do you think about that?)
*Peach (in thought bubble and blushing): Oooooooooo...I don't know how much more of this fox tongue I can take! I think I'm going to cum! (Peach can speak out loud, it fits the scene better.)
-Krystal: (In thought bubble): I hope she cums of my face! Rosalina was right! I would enjoy licking Peach's pussy!<3 (I feel this line is a little redundant, we have to keep the scenes short.)
*Peach CLIMAX* Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (Redundant line, Peach can just climax without the need for a text box.)
*Peach is on the floor panting and Krystal is sitting up blushing
-Peach: *pant* *pant* Can I have my dress back and some tea now? (Outfit specific line. I think it's also better to change the tea line. I mean, will Peach even get tea? I think she is better off saying something like: "[color=#FF00FF]Well, that was... interesting. May I leave now?"[/color])
-Krystal: Of course you can!
Revision1st Krystal sex scene: EMB by MPLDAM9919-Peach: Who...Who are you?
-Krystal: I am Krystal of the Star Fox crew. And....you must be Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. I hear you're searching for someone.
-Peach: I've heard of you. Well...I'm on a mission to rescue my dear Mario. But how do you know me?
-Krystal: Your friend that travels through space is also a friend of mine. She asked me to help you... "relax".
-Peach: Well, I could use a cup of tea. I've been forced to...um..never mind.
-Krystal: Forced to what?
-Peach: To... to have... sex with those vile Koopas!
-Krystal: (embarrassing face) Well, let's relax and forget all about that.
*Krystal starts making out with Peach*
-Peach:(Eyes wide open, in a surprised manner) Mmph?!!!
-Peach: (Krystal stops making out with her)I thought you were going to help me relax!
-Krystal: But don't you relax when you lie down with someone? Here, come on...
*Krystal takes off her suit then proceeds to take off Peach's dress. Peach is now covering herself with her hands*
-Peach: Aaah! This isn't what I had in mind!!!
-Krystal: My, my! Aren't you a cutie! Now, let me lick that sweet pussy of yours!
*Krystal gets on her knees and starts licking Peach's pussy.*
*Peach (in thought bubble): I can't believe this vixen is doing these embarrassing things to me! I hope no one is watching.
-Krystal: Mmm... I feel you're beginning to relax. Just let it all out.
*Peach tightly grabs Krystal's head*
*Peach: Ooh~...I don't know how much more of this fox tongue I can take! I think I'm going to cum!
*Peach CLIMAXES*
*Peach is on the floor panting and Krystal is sitting up blushing*
-Peach: Well, that was... interesting. May I leave now?
-Krystal: Of course you can! I hope to see you again sometime!
So, what did I think about it? It was quite good. Though a change was necessary here and there, you actually captured the mood pretty well. It was embarrassing, but not slutty. If I had to grade you, I would give you a B-. That's about a 70-75 out of 100. Not too shabby.