Hentai: Peach's Untold Tale 3.48 (Nov 2/18) - HIATUS

[Ivan-Aedler]

NEWS: A new high-res Peach picture scene after she falls from the sky (Osama palace) like the game-over screen. SOON. Author: The Dirty Monkey(DM).
PS: It's a comission involving me and one of the designers here in Lok. We agreed to do it to add value to the game. Even if its not the best/expected Peach style people want for the game so far, it was a request since august 2012. Even if someday this game changes (young peach style to be followed all over the game to maintain consistency), the picture will be forever alive in the 'pictures area', and even in a parallel MIM game I'll create, as it explains Peach situations and embarassment in special scenes. I also keep remembering DM contributes to the game from time to time, free or any charge, as everyone here (including myself).

NEWS: Two new hands are now ready to be added to the game (I've created all outfit styles - 14 so far for each hand). I will use the 'LOOSE BACK' for Peach crouching frontside scenes (not related to 'Peach crouching button' because this will use the most voted pose).

Once we decide on what we we will use for the regular/embarrassed text I will see what I can come up with for the other versions.

We can keep using your method: 1-embarassed, 2-slut/used to, and 3-whore

Ivan, if you are wanting to have something come up when you pick up a powerup we should probably come up with shorter messages to display when she picks them up.

Hmmmm as a thought balloon? I can make a way to appear a balloon with text that follows Peach, then disappears after, say, 3 seconds. That avoids the user have to press a key to continue playing.

[MPLDAM9919]

Is the Daisy scene still going to use the script I wrote many pages ago? It could fit the whole "Daisy's willing to experiment" thing.

[Ivan-Aedler]

Peach with new hands (testing):
Ok, its more than adequate.

peach with new hands.jpg (26.59 KiB) Viewed 3007 times

I've remade the first hand to be changed: LOOSE (the top hand below).

hands.jpg (15.5 KiB) Viewed 2997 times

Is the Daisy scene still going to use the script I wrote many pages ago? It could fit the whole "Daisy's willing to experiment" thing.

Yes!

[QuizmasterBos]

Slowly, but surely, you are becoming more cultured. Don't forget that if you need info on Mario, I'm your man.

Thanks, that's why I see you as being from the high council

Really? I got upscaled again? (It was just MiM Council last time). Thank you.

Wouldn't it make more sense for Rosalina to appear in World 9: Space?

Hmmm ok! It could be. That's because I already have the x-naut level (I still need to make an upper floor, with those large rectangular windows), and I'll make a level in the moon (not blowing my trumpet, but it will be a lot better than the restricted moon level from TTYD). Rosalina can appear there.

I think you need to do some research on Rosalina first. It would be great seeing the spaceship from Galaxy there. It has a bedroom you know .

I liked your bet idea and changed it a little bit. Surprisingly, Peach wins the bet this time, but if that really makes her a winner:

I like yours! But I also like the panties/knicker talking. Hmmm...maybe await more opinions?

Okay, we'll see... we'll see.

I liked your bet idea and changed it a little bit. Surprisingly, Peach wins the bet this time, but if that really makes her a winner:

Spoiler (click to show/hide):

Daisy's dress
I won this in a bet with Daisy some time ago. Daisy thought I wouldn't be able to touch my knees while being naked.
Ha, showed her! She even took pictures as proof!

I'll let your imagination do the rest.

I really like that one.

Thank you. Couldn't have done it without Ivan's good idea though.

It's a nice dress, but it's not Daisy's. Another problem I have with it, is that the dress doesn't fit Peach's model very well. You can see this at her head and neck in particular.

I know Daisy outfit is like this http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb2 ... Daisy1.png
But this one is a short skirt variant. However, yes, I can make her original dress, wich is a recolor of Peach with those two lacy borders in the bottom. Can we rename the 'Daisy Dress' already in the game to, say, 'Daisy Short Dress'?

Maybe. It looks a little more informal to me. Considering that the normal dress Daisy wears is royal and used in formal occasions, perhaps this could be an informal one.
However, I don't like the name Daisy's informal dress. We need something more fun, more cute.

I think I have an idea. If we remove the shoulder bits, it could be a sun dress! It's a dress worn when the weather gets warmer and is often about that long.
I'd say experiment if you will.

Sounds pretty good. You can make up lines and I can then improve them if necessary. Or you can give me a general idea, as with Ivan's bet idea earlier this post.
So if you think of something nice, please let me know first.

Once we decide on what we we will use for the regular/embarrassed text I will see what I can come up with for the other versions.

Ivan, if you are wanting to have something come up when you pick up a powerup we should probably come up with shorter messages to display when she picks them up.

You can at least post or PM an idea if you have one. No need to wait for that. I think I'd be able to come up with some good lines for the two extremes (Virgin and Slut as I prefer to call them), but it's the in-between bit that's hard.

Now, about the messages, I think instead of the fun bits of text I'm writing, we should explain what it does in a more serious way.
So when you get Tanooki it says: "Hold the run key until the pink arrows light up and you hear a tingling sound, then jump and hit the jump button multiple times to fly."

Then the "Your diary got updated" button can appear somewhere on the screen. The player can then check out the new text then. To make it easier, we can either:
-Make the diary open up on the updated page;
-Have the bookmark light up to indicate a new update;
-Have the text be highlighted in some way to show this is new;
-A combination of the above.

Peach with new hands (testing):
Ok, its more than adequate.

They're looking very good, but 'her' right hand bothers me a tad. I think it looks better if the back of her hand faces us more. At least, that's how my hand falls if I keep it relaxed.

Is the Daisy scene still going to use the script I wrote many pages ago? It could fit the whole "Daisy's willing to experiment" thing.

Yes!

MPLDAM9919, is it okay if I take a look at that? Maybe I can improve it somewhat.

[Residentlover2]

in the daisy scene maybe she and peach can do the tribadism position cause it would be different to the other scenes cause this position no needs a dick and its my favorite LOl

[QuizmasterBos]

in the daisy scene maybe she and peach can do the tribadism position cause it would be different to the other scenes cause this position no needs a dick and its my favorite LOl

There are many kinds of tribadism positions. It only needs vulvae rubbing against one another, that's it.
Were you thinking of a specific position?

[MPLDAM9919]

Since Krystal going to be in this game, would you like me to write up a script for a Krystal sex scene?

[Ivan-Aedler]

Since Krystal going to be in this game, would you like me to write up a script for a Krystal sex scene?

For sure!

in the daisy scene maybe she and peach can do the tribadism position cause it would be different to the other scenes cause this position no needs a dick and its my favorite LOl

There are many kinds of tribadism positions. It only needs vulvae rubbing against one another, that's it. Were you thinking of a specific position?

Its interesting to know some tribadism positions (by photo references or even pencil sketches).

Really? I got upscaled again? (It was just MiM Council last time).

Well, I have no control outside MIM Council, so, erhm...you're still from MIM Council

I think you need to do some research on Rosalina first. It would be great seeing the spaceship from Galaxy there. It has a bedroom you know .

Yes, I can think about something. Maybe a more limited version of her spaceship. Peach will use 'Mario spaceship' (the red one), made by E.Gadd.

Maybe. It looks a little more informal to me. Considering that the normal dress Daisy wears is royal and used in formal occasions, perhaps this could be an informal one.
However, I don't like the name Daisy's informal dress. We need something more fun, more cute.

-Daisy Cute Dress/Outfit
-Daisy Expo Dress/Outfit (from 'expose')
-Daisy Shameless Dress/Outfit
-Daisy Little Dress/Outfit

I think I have an idea. If we remove the shoulder bits, it could be a sun dress! It's a dress worn when the weather gets warmer and is often about that long.I'd say experiment if you will.

So we will have this dress without a shoulder and a total Daisy Dress with shoulder? Needs more brainstorming.

Now, about the messages, I think instead of the fun bits of text I'm writing, we should explain what it does in a more serious way.So when you get Tanooki it says: "Hold the run key until the pink arrows light up and you hear a tingling sound, then jump and hit the jump button multiple times to fly."

Ok, this can happen when the player clicks in the powerup item WHILE in the game (HUD area). Then a messagebox will appear (that one in bottom area). Then the player presses SPACE/SHIFT.

Then the "Your diary got updated" button can appear somewhere on the screen.

Only if its the first powerup to be taken while in a given Peach condition (not slut, slut, whore). And I prefer to have a 'non slut' message than 'virgin', because if Peach loses her virginity on, say, level 1, future messages using 'virgin' property will not show anymore.

The player can then check out the new text then. To make it easier, we can either:
-Make the diary open up on the updated page;

I prefer the enlightening bookmark so far. After putting this mechanism, a new text will appear below any former text.

They're looking very good, but 'her' right hand bothers me a tad. I think it looks better if the back of her hand faces us more. At least, that's how my hand falls if I keep it relaxed.

I made this hand like that on purpose: its better not to show her thumb, because I can use this hand in many positions

MPLDAM9919, is it okay if I take a look at that? Maybe I can improve it somewhat.

Below! But it needs really some adjusting because Peach should be always embarassed (or not, only if she's already a whore).

Spoiler (click to show/hide):

Daisy return - Daisy (plays every time you visit Daisy. You will have the option to choose your scene. Same implies to the other girls): Hey Peachy!<3 Are you up for another round? I want to try a new sex postion I thought of!<3 Peach anwser 1: Not now, Daisy. I'm busy. Daisy: Ok. Let me know if you change your mind.<3 Peach anwser 2: Yes! Let's hop into bed!<3 Daisy: You're gonna love this one, Peachy!<3 I'm gonna make you cum!<3 *bothe strip into sexy lingerie and start new scene*

Rosalina return - Rosalina: Oh Princess Peach!<3 I've been waiting for you!<3 Do you want to fuck with me in a new sex postion I thought of? Peach anwser 1: Let me finish finish what I'm doing first, Rosie. Rosalina: Ok. Hurry on back. My pussy's alreasy twitching!<3 Peach anwser 2: My pussy's already wet! Lick it, Rosie!<3 Rosalina: I'll be glad to!<3 Mine's wet as well! Let's get started! *Rosalina takes her wand and uses it to poof away her and Peach's dresses leaving them in sexy lingerie*

Birdo return - Hello darling! I see you're back for more!<3 Want me to fuck that tight pussy of yours? Peach anwser 1: No way!!! Keep your filthy cock(strapon) away from me!!! Birdo: Grrrr....TAKE THIS!!! *Peach is now stark naked with huge breasts* Peach anwser 2: Yes!!! Show me your cock(starpon)!!! Birdo: Take off that dress and let's start fuckin'!!! *Peach takes off her dress and sex scene starts*

Pauline return: Pauline: Hello, Sl..er I mean Peach! You came back for more? I have some sex postions I want to try out!<3 Peach anwser 1: I don't think so. Pauline: Grrrrr...Well TOO BAD!!! *Pauline rips off Peach's dress (or current outfit) then rips off her own dress and rape scene starts* Peach: Yes!!! Let's get it on like Donkey Kong!!! Pauline: Alright! Let me shove my strapon in that tight pussy of yours!!!<3 *Pauline strips Peach till she's in sexy lingerie then takes off her own dress and sex scene starts*

VIVIAN:
She'd be futa like Birdo (If the Futa option is turned on) and you'd have to get a key to progress like the Pauline scene.

Vivian:: Oh! Princess Peach! It's nice see you! I haven't seen you since my adventure with Mario! I heard he went missing and you are searching for him. I happen to have the key you need to progress. But I'll only give it to you if let me fuck you!<3 Peach anwser 1: Are you serious? Just give me the key please! Vivian: Nope! Sorry! I'll only give it to you if I fuck that pussy of yours. Let me know if you change your mind. *nothing happens and you can talk to Vivian agian* Peach anwser 2: Alright! I'll do it! It's the only way I can find my dear Mario! Vivian: Thank you!!<3 You'll be quite pleased with what I've got in store for you!<3 *Peach takes off her dress leaving her in her lingerie. Vivian then pulls out her dick. Peach is amazed.* Peach: My goodness! I didn't know you were a transgender! It looks HUUUUGE! Vivian: I told you you'd be quite pleased!<3 Peach: Can I touch it?<3 Vivian: You sure may!<3 I've secretly wanted you since I first saw you!<3 *Peach starts rubbing Vivian's cock* Vivian: That's right, keep playing with my dick and nuts!<3 Peach: Wow! And I thought Birdo had a huge dick! I can't wait to have this in my pussy!<3 *Peach now is sucking on Vivian's dick.* Vivian: Ooooooooh, Princess Peach!<3 Keep sucking my cock!<3 Peach (in thought bubble): Mmmmmm...Vivian's huge weniner is making me cum!<3 *Vivian pulls he dick out of Peach's mouth and cums on her tits* Vivian: Oooooooo...that was great...you want that key now? Peach: Not yet! I'm still horny! I want that thing inside my tight pussy!<3 *Peach is now on her back and Vivian starts to penetrate Peach's tight pussy* Peach: I want that thing inside me!<3 Vivian (in thought bubble): Wow! She's TIIIIIGHT! *Vivian's dick is now in Peach's pussy and Vivian starts fucking Peach missionary style* Peach: OH MY GOODNESS!!!<3 Your dick feels sooooooo goooood!!!<3 Vivian: Oooooooh princesss!!!<3 Your pussy feels so good! *things get faster* Vivian: Princess Peach!!!<3 I think I'm gonna cum! Let me cum inside you!<3 Peach: Yes!!!<3 Shoot your load inside me!!!!<3 *Vivian then CLIMAXES inside Peach's pussy resulting to a huge creampie. Vivian then pulls out her dick and is still cumming on Peach's body. Vivian then lays on Peach and gives her a sweet kiss.* Peach: That was fantastic!<3 I never had a dick that huge before! Can you give me that key now, please? Vivian: Yes! A promise is a promise. Here's the key you need. Good luck on your quest! Make sure you come back and see me!<3 I want to try more sex postions with you!<3 *Peach then gets they key which is in her ass and gets her fress or current outfit back.*

[Darthan]

You can at least post or PM an idea if you have one. No need to wait for that. I think I'd be able to come up with some good lines for the two extremes (Virgin and Slut as I prefer to call them), but it's the in-between bit that's hard.

Now, about the messages, I think instead of the fun bits of text I'm writing, we should explain what it does in a more serious way.
So when you get Tanooki it says: "Hold the run key until the pink arrows light up and you hear a tingling sound, then jump and hit the jump button multiple times to fly."

Then the "Your diary got updated" button can appear somewhere on the screen. The player can then check out the new text then. To make it easier, we can either:
-Make the diary open up on the updated page;
-Have the bookmark light up to indicate a new update;
-Have the text be highlighted in some way to show this is new;
-A combination of the above.

I was thinking that we would use the descriptions you already came up with for the embarrassed versions, but most of these are telling where they came from instead of Peach's opinion of them. I also agree with Ivan that it is better to use embarrassed instead of virgin since Peach can still be embarrassed but no longer a virgin. I agree that the middle ground, in this case the slut text, is the hardest to come up with since it has to be a middle between I want everything covered and I want to run around naked so everyone can see me. That was why I used the poison mushroom for my example, it was the easiest one to come up with a middle ground for.

I like your idea for the onscreen popup. It makes more sense that it would tell you how the particular powerup works.

Only if its the first powerup to be taken while in a given Peach condition (not slut, slut, whore). And I prefer to have a 'non slut' message that whore, because if Peach loses the virginity in , say, level 1, future messages using 'virgin' property will not show anymore.

That is why I had the embarrassed, slut, and whore texts. I came up with that because I recall you talking about planning on having three different ending based on whether Peach was embarrassed, a slut, or a whore, and there would be slight variations of the embarrassed ending depending on if Peach was a virgin or not. I could be totally out of my mind and just made this up too soo....

[QuizmasterBos]

Really? I got upscaled again? (It was just MiM Council last time).

Well, I have no control outside MIM Council, so, erhm...you're still from MIM Council

Great, just great. You get my hopes up and then crush them! I'll go cry in a corner now...

I think you need to do some research on Rosalina first. It would be great seeing the spaceship from Galaxy there. It has a bedroom you know .

Yes, I can think about something. Maybe a more limited version of her spaceship. Peach will use 'Mario spaceship' (the red one), made by E.Gadd.

Mario spaceship (the red one)? Can you be a little more specific? I think your mixing up things here.

Maybe. It looks a little more informal to me. Considering that the normal dress Daisy wears is royal and used in formal occasions, perhaps this could be an informal one.
However, I don't like the name Daisy's informal dress. We need something more fun, more cute.

-Daisy Cute Dress/Outfit
-Daisy Expo Dress/Outfit (from 'expose')
-Daisy Shameless Dress/Outfit
-Daisy Little Dress/Outfit

There's nothing shameless about Daisy shorter dress. Besides, if the shoulder parts are taken off, you can simply call it Daisy's Sun Dress.

I think I have an idea. If we remove the shoulder bits, it could be a sun dress! It's a dress worn when the weather gets warmer and is often about that long.I'd say experiment if you will.

So we will have this dress without a shoulder and a total Daisy Dress with shoulder? Needs more brainstorming.

Yeah! Exactly. I don't think the shoulder bits fit a sun dress well. But please test it out first. It needs to look good.

Now, about the messages, I think instead of the fun bits of text I'm writing, we should explain what it does in a more serious way.So when you get Tanooki it says: "Hold the run key until the pink arrows light up and you hear a tingling sound, then jump and hit the jump button multiple times to fly."

Ok, this can happen when the player clicks in the powerup item WHILE in the game (HUD area). Then a messagebox will appear (that one in bottom area). Then the player presses SPACE/SHIFT.

Exactly. We'll make a hint appear saying to click the box for an explanation regarding the powers of an outfit.

Then the "Your diary got updated" button can appear somewhere on the screen.

Only if its the first powerup to be taken while in a given Peach condition (not slut, slut, whore). And I prefer to have a 'non slut' message than 'virgin', because if Peach loses her virginity on, say, level 1, future messages using 'virgin' property will not show anymore.

All the outfit messages are written with memories from the past (Peach got them as gifts, or won them, but what I mean with that is that she had them when she was a virgin), however none of these are specifically written as Virgin Peach. More like normal/oblivious Peach.

Now, Darthan wanted the messages to change when Peach has had sexual encounters. Now you prefer a more or less standard message.
We can't have both, so we must choose.

Now, I prefer one standard message. Why does Peach need to explain how she got the outfits in different mindsets (or physical conditions if you will)? Peach doesn't get these outfits for the first time in this game, she had them before and she was definitely a virgin then. So, why even bother writing three different messages then?

The player can then check out the new text then. To make it easier, we can either:
-Make the diary open up on the updated page;

I prefer the enlightening bookmark so far. After putting this mechanism, a new text will appear below any former text.

I do too. We can combine them with highlighting the text as well, just to make it more clear what got updated. Though that is entirely up to you.

They're looking very good, but 'her' right hand bothers me a tad. I think it looks better if the back of her hand faces us more. At least, that's how my hand falls if I keep it relaxed.

I made this hand like that on purpose: its better not to show her thumb, because I can use this hand in many positions

Alright.

MPLDAM9919, is it okay if I take a look at that? Maybe I can improve it somewhat.

Below! But it needs really some adjusting because Peach should be always embarassed (or not, only if she's already a whore).

Spoiler (click to show/hide):

Daisy return - Daisy (plays every time you visit Daisy. You will have the option to choose your scene. Same implies to the other girls): Hey Peachy!<3 Are you up for another round? I want to try a new sex postion I thought of!<3 Peach anwser 1: Not now, Daisy. I'm busy. Daisy: Ok. Let me know if you change your mind.<3 Peach anwser 2: Yes! Let's hop into bed!<3 Daisy: You're gonna love this one, Peachy!<3 I'm gonna make you cum!<3 *bothe strip into sexy lingerie and start new scene*

Rosalina return - Rosalina: Oh Princess Peach!<3 I've been waiting for you!<3 Do you want to fuck with me in a new sex postion I thought of? Peach anwser 1: Let me finish finish what I'm doing first, Rosie. Rosalina: Ok. Hurry on back. My pussy's alreasy twitching!<3 Peach anwser 2: My pussy's already wet! Lick it, Rosie!<3 Rosalina: I'll be glad to!<3 Mine's wet as well! Let's get started! *Rosalina takes her wand and uses it to poof away her and Peach's dresses leaving them in sexy lingerie*

Birdo return - Hello darling! I see you're back for more!<3 Want me to fuck that tight pussy of yours? Peach anwser 1: No way!!! Keep your filthy cock(strapon) away from me!!! Birdo: Grrrr....TAKE THIS!!! *Peach is now stark naked with huge breasts* Peach anwser 2: Yes!!! Show me your cock(starpon)!!! Birdo: Take off that dress and let's start fuckin'!!! *Peach takes off her dress and sex scene starts*

Pauline return: Pauline: Hello, Sl..er I mean Peach! You came back for more? I have some sex postions I want to try out!<3 Peach anwser 1: I don't think so. Pauline: Grrrrr...Well TOO BAD!!! *Pauline rips off Peach's dress (or current outfit) then rips off her own dress and rape scene starts* Peach: Yes!!! Let's get it on like Donkey Kong!!! Pauline: Alright! Let me shove my strapon in that tight pussy of yours!!!<3 *Pauline strips Peach till she's in sexy lingerie then takes off her own dress and sex scene starts*

VIVIAN:
She'd be futa like Birdo (If the Futa option is turned on) and you'd have to get a key to progress like the Pauline scene.

Vivian:: Oh! Princess Peach! It's nice see you! I haven't seen you since my adventure with Mario! I heard he went missing and you are searching for him. I happen to have the key you need to progress. But I'll only give it to you if let me fuck you!<3 Peach anwser 1: Are you serious? Just give me the key please! Vivian: Nope! Sorry! I'll only give it to you if I fuck that pussy of yours. Let me know if you change your mind. *nothing happens and you can talk to Vivian agian* Peach anwser 2: Alright! I'll do it! It's the only way I can find my dear Mario! Vivian: Thank you!!<3 You'll be quite pleased with what I've got in store for you!<3 *Peach takes off her dress leaving her in her lingerie. Vivian then pulls out her dick. Peach is amazed.* Peach: My goodness! I didn't know you were a transgender! It looks HUUUUGE! Vivian: I told you you'd be quite pleased!<3 Peach: Can I touch it?<3 Vivian: You sure may!<3 I've secretly wanted you since I first saw you!<3 *Peach starts rubbing Vivian's cock* Vivian: That's right, keep playing with my dick and nuts!<3 Peach: Wow! And I thought Birdo had a huge dick! I can't wait to have this in my pussy!<3 *Peach now is sucking on Vivian's dick.* Vivian: Ooooooooh, Princess Peach!<3 Keep sucking my cock!<3 Peach (in thought bubble): Mmmmmm...Vivian's huge weniner is making me cum!<3 *Vivian pulls he dick out of Peach's mouth and cums on her tits* Vivian: Oooooooo...that was great...you want that key now? Peach: Not yet! I'm still horny! I want that thing inside my tight pussy!<3 *Peach is now on her back and Vivian starts to penetrate Peach's tight pussy* Peach: I want that thing inside me!<3 Vivian (in thought bubble): Wow! She's TIIIIIGHT! *Vivian's dick is now in Peach's pussy and Vivian starts fucking Peach missionary style* Peach: OH MY GOODNESS!!!<3 Your dick feels sooooooo goooood!!!<3 Vivian: Oooooooh princesss!!!<3 Your pussy feels so good! *things get faster* Vivian: Princess Peach!!!<3 I think I'm gonna cum! Let me cum inside you!<3 Peach: Yes!!!<3 Shoot your load inside me!!!!<3 *Vivian then CLIMAXES inside Peach's pussy resulting to a huge creampie. Vivian then pulls out her dick and is still cumming on Peach's body. Vivian then lays on Peach and gives her a sweet kiss.* Peach: That was fantastic!<3 I never had a dick that huge before! Can you give me that key now, please? Vivian: Yes! A promise is a promise. Here's the key you need. Good luck on your quest! Make sure you come back and see me!<3 I want to try more sex postions with you!<3 *Peach then gets they key which is in her ass and gets her fress or current outfit back.*

This is written quite a long while ago. This was before many of the features and ideas were even thought up! I feel the text is outdated now, as we never agreed on the character's personalities up to now. A lot of this script is also far too long, the Vivian text in particular.

MPLDAM9919, you seriously need to rethink your writing strategy. The text is too long and all the characters are far too slutty.
The main thing you have to keep in mind is to have short and simple scenes. Another thing is that the script keeps using the same "Two people being insanely horny and have rough sex" bits. Which doesn't even fit this game.
Having multiple people writing is okay, but it must follow the same rules. Otherwise it becomes noticeable that the script is written by multiple people.

That's why we need someone who checks all the scripts and, if necessary, changes them to fit the overall game better.
Now, not to blow my own trumpet, but if everyone is okay with it, I would like to take this role. I have more than enough time to do so and I like writing. And I have been rewriting a lot of text in this game already anyway.
Of course, everyone who contributes still gets credited all the same. I will NOT steal your credit.

[Ivan-Aedler]

Great, just great. You get my hopes up and then crush them! I'll go cry in a corner now...

Dont do that. Only Peach does that (hey! I've not forgotten. Peach will be able to cry, but not in a suffering manner, but 'cry because she forgot something or because she lose').

Mario spaceship (the red one)? Can you be a little more specific? I think your mixing up things here.

Beige one, sorry! The red color are for 'fins' and other adornations

There's nothing shameless about Daisy shorter dress. Besides, if the shoulder parts are taken off, you can simply call it Daisy's Sun Dress.

So a new option, - Daisy Sun Dress. I like the 'Cute dress', too.

Yeah! Exactly. I don't think the shoulder bits fit a sun dress well. But please test it out first. It needs to look good.

daisy sun dress.jpg (29.63 KiB) Viewed 2905 times

PS: ITS PLANNED to fix the front skirt.
PS2: I know the frontside arms may not be so 'nice attached', but that's the current limitation and I'm okay with it.

Exactly. We'll make a hint appear saying to click the box for an explanation regarding the powers of an outfit.

Ok. I will program this still tonight.

All the outfit messages are written with memories from the past (Peach got them as gifts, or won them, but what I mean with that is that she had them when she was a virgin), however none of these are specifically written as Virgin Peach. More like normal/oblivious Peach.

I know. Its like 'the basic saying'. But again, it should be nice to change these 'basic sayings' to a more shameless statements later in the game.

Now, Darthan wanted the messages to change when Peach has had sexual encounters. Now you prefer a more or less standard message.
We can't have both, so we must choose. Now, I prefer one standard message. Why does Peach need to explain how she got the outfits in different mindsets (or physical conditions if you will)? Peach doesn't get these outfits for the first time in this game, she had them before and she was definitely a virgin then. So, why even bother writing three different messages then?

Again, it can be like this:
1) the first time she takes the outfit (while being virgin): she will get the default text you did (they're really nice so far!)
2) the first time she takes the outfit WHILE she's slut (+20 laid enemies): she will get the second statement for each powerup (if the player gets, say, the x-naut outfit only in this case, he/she can struggle to get this outfit earlier, in order to see what Peach should react, being embarassed)
3) the first time she takes theoufti WHILE she's a WHORE (+80 laid enemies): the third statement.

I do too. We can combine them with highlighting the text as well, just to make it more clear what got updated. Though that is entirely up to you.

Ok but again, lemme make the diary mechanism first. I think I will only be able to program the diary in january 2013. But I still have 11 days before new years' eve). Something can change.

This is written quite a long while ago. This was before many of the features and ideas were even thought up! I feel the text is outdated now, as we never agreed on the character's personalities up to now. A lot of this script is also far too long, the Vivian text in particular.

So we can improve those text. You can do that with MPLDAM, Asian and Darthan. Then I can keep making the priorities.

MPLDAM9919, you seriously need to rethink your writing strategy. The text is too long and all the characters are far too slutty.

I appreciate MPLDAM text, but they require to be less slutty, really.

Having multiple people writing is okay, but it must follow the same rules. Otherwise it becomes noticeable that the script is written by multiple people.

Its just a matter of aggrement between the writers. I really urge you guys to PM each other more (even me is doing that now, in order to clarify things and get a nice sinergy output for improved and steady ideas)!

Now, not to blow my own trumpet, but if everyone is okay with it, I would like to take this role. I have more than enough time to do so and I like writing. And I have been rewriting a lot of text in this game already anyway.

Quiz, granted! You have my consent. You're part of the project since the early pages

[QuizmasterBos]

Great, just great. You get my hopes up and then crush them! I'll go cry in a corner now...

Dont do that. Only Peach does that (hey! I've not forgotten. Peach will be able to cry, but not in a suffering manner, but 'cry because she forgot something or because she lose').

Alright, sounds good, in theory at least.

Mario spaceship (the red one)? Can you be a little more specific? I think your mixing up things here.

Beige one, sorry! The red color are for 'fins' and other adornations

Oh, you meant the SMB 2 Spaceship. It's pretty forgettable in my opinion and since SMG is well-known, I don't think I am the only one that thinks of Galaxy first.
And it is white. Beige is brownish.

There's nothing shameless about Daisy shorter dress. Besides, if the shoulder parts are taken off, you can simply call it Daisy's Sun Dress.

So a new option, - Daisy Sun Dress. I like the 'Cute dress', too.

Don't forget to spell it Daisy's Sun Dress.

Yeah! Exactly. I don't think the shoulder bits fit a sun dress well. But please test it out first. It needs to look good.

PS: ITS PLANNED to fix the front skirt.
PS2: I know the frontside arms may not be so 'nice attached', but that's the current limitation and I'm okay with it.

It looks really good. And I know the arms look a little odd, but they have been since the beginning so I wasn't even going to bring that up.

All the outfit messages are written with memories from the past (Peach got them as gifts, or won them, but what I mean with that is that she had them when she was a virgin), however none of these are specifically written as Virgin Peach. More like normal/oblivious Peach.

I know. Its like 'the basic saying'. But again, it should be nice to change these 'basic sayings' to a more shameless statements later in the game.

True, but it really depends on it.

Now, Darthan wanted the messages to change when Peach has had sexual encounters. Now you prefer a more or less standard message.
We can't have both, so we must choose. Now, I prefer one standard message. Why does Peach need to explain how she got the outfits in different mindsets (or physical conditions if you will)? Peach doesn't get these outfits for the first time in this game, she had them before and she was definitely a virgin then. So, why even bother writing three different messages then?

Again, it can be like this:
1) the first time she takes the outfit (while being virgin): she will get the default text you did (they're really nice so far!)
2) the first time she takes the outfit WHILE she's slut (+20 laid enemies): she will get the second statement for each powerup (if the player gets, say, the x-naut outfit only in this case, he/she can struggle to get this outfit earlier, in order to see what Peach should react, being embarassed)
3) the first time she takes theoufti WHILE she's a WHORE (+80 laid enemies): the third statement.

Have you considered the problem of not seeing the other lines for that text? Once you're a slut, you can't turn back so seeing the virgin outfit line is pretty much impossible. And this forces players to go through the game three times just to see some text. Well... okay, if you're doing a Virgin run you'd see the end sex scene and in a slut run you'll see all the scenes likely, but it's the middle one.

I do too. We can combine them with highlighting the text as well, just to make it more clear what got updated. Though that is entirely up to you.

Ok but again, lemme make the diary mechanism first. I think I will only be able to program the diary in january 2013. But I still have 11 days before new years' eve). Something can change.

I kinda hoped you were going to take a break soon. You'll have to with Christmas coming up and New Years the next week. But I can talk you out of it, you're obviously enjoying this way too much.

This is written quite a long while ago. This was before many of the features and ideas were even thought up! I feel the text is outdated now, as we never agreed on the character's personalities up to now. A lot of this script is also far too long, the Vivian text in particular.

So we can improve those text. You can do that with MPLDAM, Asian and Darthan. Then I can keep making the priorities.

Alright. As long as the others accept.

Having multiple people writing is okay, but it must follow the same rules. Otherwise it becomes noticeable that the script is written by multiple people.

Its just a matter of aggrement between the writers. I really urge you guys to PM each other more (even me is doing that now, in order to clarify things and get a nice sinergy output for improved and steady ideas)!

Sure. We need to get this off the ground first. I am wondering to just send a PM to everybody first or wait until everyone agrees.

Now, not to blow my own trumpet, but if everyone is okay with it, I would like to take this role. I have more than enough time to do so and I like writing. And I have been rewriting a lot of text in this game already anyway.

Quiz, granted! You have my consent. You're part of the project since the early pages

Thank you for your consent. I hope my actions will please you, and others of course. *bows*

[Ivan-Aedler]

Oh, you meant the SMB 2 Spaceship. It's pretty forgettable in my opinion and since SMG is well-known, I don't think I am the only one that thinks of Galaxy first.

Please dont make me remember of those large head...worlds. It makes me real sick
Spaceships make much more sense. And even more because of Paper Mario (you know, bobombs that 'explode to give thrust to spaceships).
Ok, a white hull. But its...an ivory color. Not pure white.

Don't forget to spell it Daisy's Sun Dress.

Ok!

Have you considered the problem of not seeing the other lines for that text? Once you're a slut, you can't turn back so seeing the virgin outfit line is pretty much impossible.

I was trying to say the player will have to replay the game in the future, in order to see missed things (like embarassed statements). Its like not being virgin anymore. The player will try to let Peach virgin until the end. I think its nice, because it will add replay value.

And this forces players to go through the game three times just to see some text. Well... okay, if you're doing a Virgin run you'd see the end sex scene and in a slut run you'll see all the scenes likely, but it's the middle one.

Thats it! And for sure, the player will be able to see the second statement type (not so embarassed/ a slut) easier, because it will need more than 80 laids to change to a 'whore' statement.

I kinda hoped you were going to take a break soon. You'll have to with Christmas coming up and New Years the next week. But I can talk you out of it, you're obviously enjoying this way too much.

Yes I do. Actually, this was the most fruitful year here. Actually, I think about MIM ideas everytime I can, so I take notes and put in my TODO list. It's a way to be always refreshed of the features and to program it better. Its like a running engine. Its not nice to turn it off for so long.

Sure. We need to get this off the ground first. I am wondering to just send a PM to everybody first or wait until everyone agrees.

Ok I decided to take this initiative.

Thank you for your consent. I hope my actions will please you, and others of course. *bows*

Every action in this game is a sinergic action that leads to positive results. I count on you Sometimes, a good 'thinking'/brainstorming/day dreaming is more powerful than making features for the game, because a good story/plot/feature idea make us eager to see it in action

[AsianP3rsuas10n]

Woah Ivan, I think you mean this one

Animation done by Ivan just in case.

Click to Play
(Javascript Required)

!!TODO - SHIP ASIAN_Scene 1.swf [ 7.64 KiB | Viewed 2864 times ]

[Ivan-Aedler]

Ok I'm 'angry' and I decided to:
- Remake HAND GRAB from scratch (DONE!)
- Create 'Spread HAND' from scratch.
I'll not just create tons of hands then put inside MIM. I would like to share those new resources. I'll make a separate FLA of them when I have more hands.

!hand grab.jpg (14.48 KiB) Viewed 2759 times

Woah Ivan, I think you mean this one

YES! This was developed before the day 21th of october. Almost 2 months ago. And we debated about the use of spaceships in MIM PUT.
viewtopic.php?f=34&t=2265&p=185201#p185201

EDIT: I even think of a way to make the spaceship maneuveable! But dont expect a full physics engine. Just a thrust up/down and maybe a small tilt when left/right. For a medium to long term.
EDIT: As for her parasol, I already know how to morph it in a funny and interesting way (e.g. to make it inflate/deflate). The parasol will be angry when inflated, but Peach will be able to hide inside it. When the mouse passes over the parasol, it will get transparent, so we can Peach inside

[MPLDAM9919]

Ok. I think I have the Krystal sex scene script figured out. Tell me if this is "embarassed" or too slutty.


Kyrstal sex scene
Peach: Wha? WHo are you? Krystal: I am Krystal of the Star Fox crew. You must be Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. I hear you're serching for your loved one. Peach: How do you know my name? And that I'm on a mission to rescue my dear Mario? Kyrstal: Your friend that travels through space is a friend of mine. I'm here to help you "relax". Peach: Well, I could use a cup of tea. I've been forced to have sex with those vile Koopas...MMPH! *Krystal starts making out with Peach* Peach (in thought bubble): WHAT IS SHE DOING?!? *They srop making out* Peach: I thought you were going to help me relax! Krystal: I am, my dear princess. Now let me take off my clothes and your cute pink dress. <3 *Krystal takes off her suit then proceeds and takes off Peach's dress. Peach is now covering herself with her hands* Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! This isn't what I had in mind!!! I want my dress back! Krystal: My, my! Are you a cutie! Now, let me lick that sweet pussy of yours! *Kyrstal gets on her knees and starts licking Peach's pussy.* Peach (in thought bubble): Uggghh....I can't believe I'm being fucked by a furry! This is embarssing! I hope no one is watching. Krystal: Mmmmmm...Peachy! *Krystal now has Peach lying of her back and she is licking away at Peach's pussy (or lapping for that matter)* Peach (in thought bubble and blushing): Oooooooooo...I don't know how much more of this fox tounge I can take! I think I'm going to cum! Krystal: (In thought bubble): I hope she cums of my face! Rosalina was right! I would enjoy licking Peach's pussy!<3 *Peach CLIMAX* Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! *Peach is on the floor panting and Kyrstal is sitting up blushing* Peach: *pant* *pant* Can I have my dress back and some tea now? Krystal: Of course you can! I must say, that was really fun! I never experinced this with a girl before!Now I get you some tea. I hope you come back and "relax" some more! I want to try some other stuff with you!<3

How's this?

[Ivan-Aedler]

Ok. I think I have the Krystal sex scene script figured out. Tell me if this is "embarassed" or too slutty.

Hey good morning
Its nice so far!! I'll analyse it more after the breakfast!

EDIT: Some edits.

Krystal sex scene
-Peach: Who...Who are you? (a royal princess dosnt use slangs like 'wha' or 'hey you')
-Krystal: I am Krystal of the Star Fox crew. And....you must be Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. I hear you're searching for someone.
-Peach: I've heard of you. Well...I'm on a mission to rescue my dear Mario...
-Krystal: Your friend that travels through space is a friend of mine. I'm here to help you, "relax".
-Peach: Well, I could use a cup of tea. I've been forced to...erhm..nevermind.
-Krystal: forced to what?
-Peach: to... to have sex with those vile Koopas...MMPH!
-Krystal: (embarassing face) wow, really?
*Krystal starts making out with Peach*
***Peach (in thought bubble): WHAT IS SHE DOING?!? *They stop making out*
-Peach: I thought you were going to help me relax!
-Krystal: I am, my dear princess. Now let me take off my clothes and your cute pink dress. <3 *

Krystal takes off her suit then proceeds and takes off Peach's dress. Peach is now covering herself with her hands*
-Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! This isn't what I had in mind!!! I want my dress back!
-Krystal: My, my! Are you a cutie! Now, let me lick that sweet pussy of yours!
*Krystal gets on her knees and starts licking Peach's pussy.
*Peach (in thought bubble): Uggghh....I can't believe I'm being fucked by a furry! This is embarssing! I hope no one is watching.
-Krystal: Mmmmmm...Peachy!
*Krystal now has Peach lying of her back and she is licking away at Peach's pussy (or lapping for that matter)
*Peach (in thought bubble and blushing): Oooooooooo...I don't know how much more of this fox tounge I can take! I think I'm going to cum!
-Krystal: (In thought bubble): I hope she cums of my face! Rosalina was right! I would enjoy licking Peach's pussy!<3

*Peach CLIMAX* Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
*Peach is on the floor panting and Krystal is sitting up blushing
-Peach: *pant* *pant* Can I have my dress back and some tea now?
-Krystal: Of course you can!

[MPLDAM9919]

Ok. I think I have the Krystal sex scene script figured out. Tell me if this is "embarassed" or too slutty.

EDIT: Some edits.

Krystal sex scene
-Peach: Who...Who are you? (a royal princess dosnt use slangs like 'wha' or 'hey you')
-Krystal: I am Krystal of the Star Fox crew. And....you must be Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. I hear you're searching for someone.
-Peach: I've heard of you. Well...I'm on a mission to rescue my dear Mario...
-Krystal: Your friend that travels through space is a friend of mine. I'm here to help you, "relax".
-Peach: Well, I could use a cup of tea. I've been forced to...erhm..nevermind.
-Krystal: forced to what?
-Peach: to... to have sex with those vile Koopas...MMPH!
-Krystal: (embarassing face) wow, really?
*Krystal starts making out with Peach*
***Peach (in thought bubble): WHAT IS SHE DOING?!? *They stop making out*
-Peach: I thought you were going to help me relax!
-Krystal: I am, my dear princess. Now let me take off my clothes and your cute pink dress. <3 *

Krystal takes off her suit then proceeds and takes off Peach's dress. Peach is now covering herself with her hands*
-Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! This isn't what I had in mind!!! I want my dress back!
-Krystal: My, my! Aren't you a cutie! Now, let me lick that sweet pussy of yours!
*Krystal gets on her knees and starts licking Peach's pussy.
*Peach (in thought bubble): Uggghh....I can't believe I'm being fucked by a furry! This is embarssing! I hope no one is watching.
-Krystal: Mmmmmm...Peachy!
*Krystal now has Peach lying of her back and she is licking away at Peach's pussy (or lapping for that matter)
*Peach (in thought bubble and blushing): Oooooooooo...I don't know how much more of this fox tounge I can take! I think I'm going to cum!
-Krystal: (In thought bubble): I hope she cums of my face! Rosalina was right! I would enjoy licking Peach's pussy!<3

*Peach CLIMAX* Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
*Peach is on the floor panting and Krystal is sitting up blushing
-Peach: *pant* *pant* Can I have my dress back and some tea now?
-Krystal: Of course you can!

Spotted an error. The edit you did is very good, btw.

[AsianP3rsuas10n]

Yay we all survived 12/21/12

Anyways, I have a few things to complain about while I'm up.
I see you've given Peach some bracelets. May I recommend a little more depth into those? They look flat. Mostly the mushroom. It kinda looks like a sticker rather than a bracelet.


Rocket
If you plan on making it move, I'd suggest making some smoke. I do have an idea for animation, but it may be a long shot from my skills. Whenever we get to do it, I'll mention it. or whenever I have time, I'll pick it up.

That dress, what is it used for again? I see something like "sun" dress? How about giving peach a tennis outfit instead? It'd be a bit hot to be wearing full stockings and dress in the sun dont you think? I'd say a nice skimpy tank-top, short shorts, and a pair of sneakers. With some sweat bands on her wrist.


This sucks...I hate giving out all these ideas and not being able to do crap for it. Soon, maybe I'll get back to drawing again. stressing over Computer programming class right now >_< SCREW YOU LOOPS why you must be so annoying!!

[QuizmasterBos]

That dress, what is it used for again? I see something like "sun" dress? How about giving peach a tennis outfit instead? It'd be a bit hot to be wearing full stockings and dress in the sun dont you think? I'd say a nice skimpy tank-top, short shorts, and a pair of sneakers. With some sweat bands on her wrist.

This sucks...I hate giving out all these ideas and not being able to do crap for it. Soon, maybe I'll get back to drawing again. stressing over Computer programming class right now >_< SCREW YOU LOOPS why you must be so annoying!!

The dress doesn't have a special use. It was originally Daisy's dress, but I pointed out that the dress doesn't look like Daisy's and that I wished we renamed it.
I thought that, without the shoulder parts, it looks a bit like a sun dress: A shorter dress worn when it gets warmer outside. A late spring/summer dress if you will.

I also dislike the stockings being on the dress automatically, but you can turn it off with the stockings button in the menu. Ivan, can you maybe set "no stockings" as default?

The dress can also maybe use some more slight changes to look a little breezier so that it fits the term sun dress better, but I don't see why we should replace it.

The tennis outfit sounds pretty good though, but we already need so many outfits. The tigress outfit hasn't been made yet either.

Ok. I think I have the Krystal sex scene script figured out. Tell me if this is "embarassed" or too slutty.

Krystal sex scene
-Peach: Who...Who are you?
-Krystal: I am Krystal of the Star Fox crew. And....you must be Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. I hear you're searching for someone.
-Peach: I've heard of you. Well...I'm on a mission to rescue my dear Mario...
-Krystal: Your friend that travels through space is a friend of mine. I'm here to help you... "relax". [Later on, you will read some changes I made to the above lines. I added a few extra bits of text to make the script flow better)
-Peach: Well, I could use a cup of tea. I've been forced to...um..never mind.
-Krystal: Forced to what?
-Peach: To... to have sex with those vile Koopas...MMPH! (Can you explain to me what this MMPH means?)
-Krystal: (embarrassing face) wow, really? (Personal preference, kind of, but Krystal is very serious and speaks in a somewhat serious manner, I don't think this line fits her well.
*Krystal starts making out with Peach*
***Peach (in thought bubble): WHAT IS SHE DOING?!? *They stop making out* (Actually, we don't need to use a thought bubble here. We can also just use: "Mmph?!!!" If we can combine this with Peach having her eyes wide open, to show she is surprised, it would work just as well.)
-Peach: I thought you were going to help me relax!
-Krystal: I am, my dear princess. Now let me take off my clothes and your cute pink dress. <3 (refer below to the comments about line 11.)

Krystal takes off her suit then proceeds and takes off Peach's dress. Peach is now covering herself with her hands*
-Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! This isn't what I had in mind!!! I want my dress back! [refer below to the comments about line 12)
-Krystal: My, my! Aren't you a cutie! Now, let me lick that sweet pussy of yours!
*Krystal gets on her knees and starts licking Peach's pussy.*
*Peach (in thought bubble): Ughh....I can't believe I'm being fucked by a furry! This is embarrassing! I hope no one is watching. (refer below to line 14)
-Krystal: Mmmmmm...Peachy! (Same problem as with the Wow, really? line
*Krystal now has Peach lying of her back and she is licking away at Peach's pussy (or lapping for that matter) (I prefer seeing the same scene as has been going on, except Peach tightly grabs Krystal's head. What do you think about that?)
*Peach (in thought bubble and blushing): Oooooooooo...I don't know how much more of this fox tongue I can take! I think I'm going to cum! (Peach can speak out loud, it fits the scene better.)
-Krystal: (In thought bubble): I hope she cums of my face! Rosalina was right! I would enjoy licking Peach's pussy!<3 (I feel this line is a little redundant, we have to keep the scenes short.)

*Peach CLIMAX* Peach: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (Redundant line, Peach can just climax without the need for a text box.)
*Peach is on the floor panting and Krystal is sitting up blushing
-Peach: *pant* *pant* Can I have my dress back and some tea now? (Outfit specific line. I think it's also better to change the tea line. I mean, will Peach even get tea? I think she is better off saying something like: "[color=#FF00FF]Well, that was... interesting. May I leave now?"[/color])
-Krystal: Of course you can!

Well, I was thinking of changing your text to be more readable, but I see Ivan already did this for me. I'll make one more edit though, just a matter of personal preference.
Let's see...

Line 11
We can't have outfit-specific text here. What if Peach isn't wearing her pink dress? She can't say anything about taking off Peach's clothes at all even, what if she isn't wearing any?

For some reason I feel like "I am, my dear princess" doesn't fit Krystal all that well. How about: "But don't you relax when you lie down with someone?"Now, I don't know Krystal that well, but from what I can gather is that she is nice, but can be quite devilish when she wants to. I mean, this pic says it all:

Spoiler (click to show/hide):

And I don't mean devilish in the evil type, but in the teasing/mischievous type.

Line 12
Same problem with the clothes being mentioned.

Also, no need for so many 'A's' in 'Aah!'

Line 14
The first line gives me the impression that Peach is more irritated than embarrassed. The word Ugh is causing that. Also, it is a little odd Peach can't believe she is fucking furries while she has fucked walking mushrooms, anthropomorphic turtles and different kinds of fish. I think Peach should be more surprised of the fact she is licked by a female instead of a male. Though, this might depend on her meeting and fucking other females, such as Daisy or even Toadella.

Peach also isn't really fucked, there is no penetration. I think it's best to remove or change the line.

So, now that all the things have been mentioned, here's what the scene looks like now.

1st Krystal sex scene: EMB by MPLDAM9919
-Peach: Who...Who are you?
-Krystal: I am Krystal of the Star Fox crew. And....you must be Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. I hear you're searching for someone.
-Peach: I've heard of you. Well...I'm on a mission to rescue my dear Mario. But how do you know me?
-Krystal: Your friend that travels through space is also a friend of mine. She asked me to help you... "relax".
-Peach: Well, I could use a cup of tea. I've been forced to...um..never mind.
-Krystal: Forced to what?
-Peach: To... to have... sex with those vile Koopas!
-Krystal: (embarrassing face) Well, let's relax and forget all about that.
*Krystal starts making out with Peach*
-Peach:(Eyes wide open, in a surprised manner) Mmph?!!!
-Peach: (Krystal stops making out with her)I thought you were going to help me relax!
-Krystal: But don't you relax when you lie down with someone? Here, come on...
*Krystal takes off her suit then proceeds to take off Peach's dress. Peach is now covering herself with her hands*
-Peach: Aaah! This isn't what I had in mind!!!
-Krystal: My, my! Aren't you a cutie! Now, let me lick that sweet pussy of yours!
*Krystal gets on her knees and starts licking Peach's pussy.*
*Peach (in thought bubble): I can't believe this vixen is doing these embarrassing things to me! I hope no one is watching.
-Krystal: Mmm... I feel you're beginning to relax. Just let it all out.
*Peach tightly grabs Krystal's head*
*Peach: Ooh~...I don't know how much more of this fox tongue I can take! I think I'm going to cum!
*Peach CLIMAXES*
*Peach is on the floor panting and Krystal is sitting up blushing*
-Peach: Well, that was... interesting. May I leave now?
-Krystal: Of course you can! I hope to see you again sometime!

So, what did I think about it? It was quite good. Though a change was necessary here and there, you actually captured the mood pretty well. It was embarrassing, but not slutty. If I had to grade you, I would give you a B-. That's about a 70-75 out of 100. Not too shabby.