Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

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Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby [Brand_Name] » Fri Jan 31, 2014 2:44 am

Hullo der all you little shitlins. You may know me from making off-hand comments about other people's work, drug references, or maybe even from the RP section. Even if you don't, s'all good, I don't bite.

Anyway, Lynxy and I have began what will end up to be a novel (this first chapter is 12,000 words, there will be approximately 5 more, and they will increase in length) with a lot of sexy sex. This rp will have lotsa demon rape and some pretty hardcore styuff, so if that's not your thing, I suggest you back out now. Otherwise, please read on!

EDIT: in the future we will break up the two perspectives to make it easier to read/more clear. Sorry.

If you see any mishaps from me taking this from the one-on-one section and moving it here, please let me know and I'll fix 'em. Also- if you have words of encouragement, words of criticism, or... any words really... Share them please! It validates my existence!

(p.s. @AMJ:
Spoiler (click to show/hide):

goddam right i jacked your subject layout


Oh and that reminds me, if you haven't read AMJ's stories Pressia (complete) and Steam (in progress) please do so. Seriously. They kick ass.

Okey dokey, here we go!

Part I
Spoiler (click to show/hide):

Our main character is as follows:

name: Emily Rose

age: 27

appearance: 5' 7" slight pear shape (I think she'd have to put on more weight to really differentiate from hourglass, but if you measure...) ~145lbs, red hair (red red, not ginger. it's dye) teh bewbs lie in the middle ground between B and C . She has one tattoo in the middle of her back of an ouroboros.

bio: Lets say post-grad student. She's always been kind of a nerd and tomboy, although not afraid to pursue girly interests like twirling baton. She hasn't really done any baton in several years, but she has graduated to practicing the use of a chain whip and/or a rope dart in her free time. (Yes, she will knock someone senseless with a belt if she has to.)

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BANISHED
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Chapter 1

"Rose...? Emily Rose?"

The mutter of her name from the TA tore Emily from near-sleep state. She jumped in her seat and responded,
"Here."

8 o'clock classes were great in theory, but after a brutal all-nighter finishing her last papers for the semester, Emily wanted nothing more than to simply sleep. Especially in easy classes that were obligatory for her graduation (and even more so in English where she knew she'd never need to know much about Chaucer, since she aimed to become a vet), Emily felt no guilt in sleeping away the hours. After the attendance was called, the professor began to drone on in his monotone voice about who-gives-a-shit. The lull from the lecture quickly sent Emily spiraling into the abyss of sleep.

Emily woke with a start; in her dream she'd been running across a barren desert wasteland from terrible demons that chased her. Seconds before she awoke, she heard a whisper. A whisper from a man, but it couldn't have just been one man, there was more than just one whisper, but there was just one man- she couldn't articulate it. What troubled her the most was that the whisper had seemed to come from outside the dream, from the real world around her. As she looked around the room, she noticed that she hadn't been the only one who'd fallen into the arms of sweet honey-dew slumber.

Walking back to her apartment a few blocks away after the two hour class, Emily put in her headphones to listen to the new Arcade Fire album, and was caught up in thinking about the cute boy she'd seen in class prior to leaving. Tousled hair, stubbled facial hair, generally disheveled- maybe she should talk to him after the next class. Ooh, and what about that one two rows behind her, the one with the-

"AAAH!"

______________________________________________________________

Emily wearily opened her eyes to see a dirty concrete floor. The throbbing on her head began to register; it felt as if someone had entered through her nostrils and was slamming the insides of her skull, desperate to escape. And she was cold- so cold! The freezing air was unbearable. She couldn't stop her teeth from chattering and her muscles from spasming, vainly trying to generate the most infinitesimal amount of warmth. It took her a few minutes to realize why she was so incredibly cold- she was stark naked and tied to a metal table. Her hands were tied below her head to the legs of the silver-colored table while her legs were tied in the same fashion to the opposite side of the table, with her feet barely touching the freezing concrete floor below. Her head hung over one end along with her hands, leaving her ass wide open on the other side.

She opened her mouth to call for help, but then she realized- her mouth was duct-taped shut! Panicking, she started to struggle against her binds and the tape, but she was firmly tied down. She picked her head up for a better view of the room; the walls were made of some shitty cinder block, but at least it was well-lit with lights overhead. There was a wooden staircase in the corner of the room leading to a door and who-knows-where.

She almost didn't notice the eight men standing in front of her.
Emily had felt rather refreshed after leaving her English class. There was a small twang of guilt for so blatantly ignoring the professor, but she needed the sleep to get through just two more nights of study. She let her mind wander as she walked home, the odd dream fading behind admiration of some of the cuter guys. There was only one more chance to strike up a conversation with them, and then they may be ships passing in the night. She was mid-thought when she instinctively cried out in surprise. "AAAH!" She heard the sound, but never even got to register what had happened or who had made it as blackness swallowed her.

Then there was cold. The cold didn't wake her, instead creeping through her body until it felt like two icy hands squeezing Emily's brain. The dull, almost warm, throbbing of her head was the only punctuation or reprieve from the chill. Her eyes slowly opened, too blurry to make out anything but the color grey for a long time as she fidgeted in the realization that her arms and legs were trapped. The only sound she could make was a muffled "mmmph" through the well placed tape over her mouth, and she couldn't seem to separate her lips to unseat the tape at all. She was completely helpless and things were getting very intense very quickly. Beginning to panic, Emily struggled and pulled with all her might against the bindings, but they were solid and she decided she was more likely to dislocate her wrists than break them. She wasn't ready to do that just yet.

She tried to calm down and control her shivering while absently wondering how close to exposure she might be. Once she was a little calmer, it was time to take stock of what was around. Her eyes had nearly cleared by now, so Emily slowly lifted her head and scanned the room. It looked like a well made shed or maybe a partitioned warehouse of some sort. Either way there only seemed to be one way in or out, but thankfully she didn't hear footsteps on the stairs. What she did her, and was deathly afraid to investigate, was talking and joking coming from the opposite corner.

Emily took several deep breaths with her eyes closed, silently praying "Please God, I know I never believed in you... but here's your chance to prove me wrong. Just let it be a TV.... I'm not asking a lot here..." She opened her eyes and reluctantly turned her head to the noisy corner. Gradually, her heart sank deeper and deeper as she struggled to get her frozen mind to count as high as eight. If that wasn't bad enough, while she was staring in abject horror she noticed that they had realized she was awake. She frantically tried to protest, to tell them to stay away, but all she could do was pull impotently at her bindings and issue a stream of muffled "MMph!" noises.

"Well well well, it looks like our little gift is awake."
"Where'd you find this one? I love the curve of her ass."
"Well it isn't for you, so don't get any ideas. It's for Zornophael, and Zornophael alone. "

The men continued their critique of her body- what they liked best, what they wanted to fuck... And all Emily could respond with were the "Mmph"'s that came from behind the tape. They admired her from the front, allowing her to see them as well. For the most part, they were well-built. Tall and muscular, somewhat hairy, middle-aged. None of them were clothed, but they didn't seem to mind their close proximity to each other.

"Shall we begin?"
"Let's."

The men casually strolled behind Emily, causing her much distress. She had no idea what they were going to do to her, nor could she stop it. One man seemed to notice her fear and explained to her what they were going to do.

"Right now, we're collecting the Holy Fluid. We'll drench you in it, then light the flames that will send you to the realm of Zornophael for his pleasure. You will spend eternity as the sex slave of our lord and master."

He let the words sink in. And they sank deep indeed; sex slave? Lord and master? Who the hell were these people?

Emily's thoughts were interrupted by a warm sensation that started on her back and spread down her thighs. She managed to turn her head just enough to see that the men had jars of some liquid and were dousing her with it. The fluid flowed down to her belly as the men drenched her legs. Her eyes opened wide in shock when the small openings to the containers were rammed up her ass and pussy, letting the liquid ooze inside of her.

One man took a few steps in front of her with a mason jar full of the sticky substance, and poured it atop her head, coating her hair and face. He pulled off the tape and quickly shoved the jar to her mouth with an order:

"Drink."

Emily stared in amazement as she started to pay attention to their words. At least they weren't all going to be piling on her as she initially feared, but who the hell was zer...no...fail? What kind of name was that anyway?

A deep blush turned her face bright red as she listened to them talk about her like she was a piece of meat. She tried to sling insults at the first few, but "mmph" doesn't translate to anything particularly offensive and she gave up, resigned to the shame.

Thankfully, they were soon interrupted by a voice behind her. Not-so-thankfully the group of them decided to finish their conversation behind Emily's line of sight. Feeling uncomfortable and even more exposed than before, she craned her neck in an attempt to see behind her. "The holy whaaa?" she thought before the next statement caused a great deal of dissonance in her thoughts. "What?!" she attempted to shout even though it once again came out as "MMPH?!"

Her thoughts spiraled down for a while as she was left to contemplate the meaning of all this. Were they really going to be able to keep her for life? Surely someone had seen them abduct her? She knew people. They would look for her. But would they ever find her? Even if they did, what would she have to endure before they did? Wait, did they say something about lighting flames?!?!?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of something being sprayed on her back. After her last thought, she was incredibly relieved that she wasn't smelling kerosene, but she was still concerned that it felt either oily or a bit slimy. She couldn't touch it to be sure which. "MMPH!" was all the shocked protest she could offer when the nozzles of two bottles where roughly shoved in her pussy and ass. Squirming and whimpering was all she could do as the bottles were held in place and the warmth and uncomfortable fullness spread through her nether regions.

A man then walked in front of her holding a jar of some sticky goop and dumped half of it over her head, causing her to splutter as it ran over her face and burned her eyes. She felt the tape removed and instantly tried to vent her anger "Who the fuck do you thi- ghhhlk" She was quickly cut off as the man worked the jar between Emily's teeth to keep her from articulating anything further and tilted the jar to pour the stuff into her mouth. It wasn't particularly pleasant tasting, but she didn't see any way around complying with his demands other than drowning, so she drank. Like it or not, there was now a warmth spreading though Emily that she was not at all ready to acknowledge.

He tipped the jar up allowing the cum to flow down her throat faster than she could drink it, and, consequently, the thick liquid dribbled out of her mouth and down her chin, onto her chest covering her tits. Once the jar was emptied, Emily felt like the horrendous liquid had saturated through her entire body; in reality, it nearly had. Her skin gleamed from its thick coating, her hair was matted against her face and neck, and she'd finally stopped shivering from the warmth the liquid gave her from the inside.

The men took a few moments to admire their handiwork. One of them slapped her ass, causing it to wobble and her whole body to rock. One of them knelt down on one knee before her and asked

"Any last words before we send you to our lord Zornophael?"

Emily coughed as the cum threatened to drown her and she twisted away from it, allowing the rest of the jar to run down her cheek and neck to her chest where it pooled on the table under her. As the men finished, she hung limply from the table and concentrated on keeping the contents of her turning stomach inside. There were only 8 of them, so where had all this cum come from? She focused her mind on pondering the pointless question to try and put some distance between herself and sensation of being covered, no saturated, in the musky slime. "At least I'm not cold anymore" Emily's visage cracked at the absurdity of the thought and she nearly laughed, instead letting out a single sob.

With a loud, echoing smack she found herself rudely dragged back out of her thoughts. "Ahh!" Her momentarily dulled senses were once again crystal clear and she was aware of the reddening hand print on her ass, the scent permeating her body, the chafing of her wrists and ankles, the intense burning at the corners of her eyes, the slime that seemed to be everywhere, the nauseating way that her stomach seemed to be undulating at the top of her throat, and even the breath of the person kneeling in front of her.

Slowly, Emily looked up at the man in front of her and locked eyes, conveying every bit of hatred she was capable of with a look. "Go to hell" She said, the words dripping with venom.

The men looked at each other, then burst out in laughter at her remark.

"Very well," one whispered in her ear.

They stood around her in a circle and began chanting in some strange language; the only English Emily heard was at the very end,

"Through the power given to me by Zornophael, I banish you to the realm of chaos!"

Emily heard the strike of a match, the burn of a flame, then saw, out of the corner of her eye, a hand holding a lit match, nearing her face every second that passed. She opened her mouth to scream, but he quickly shoved the match into her mouth, extinguishing it immediately. "That was dumb," Emily thought. But then she felt a sensation, not exactly burning, but something similar. It wasn't painful, nor was it pleasant. She felt ethereal. She looked up at the men as the sensation spread throughout her body, inside and out, as they gradually turned into bright white light. She relaxed her neck, allowing her head to fall and her hands to come into view; they too were turning into blinding bright light.

The light spread into everything in sight until she saw only white brighter than the sun. She closed her eyes, but it didn't help, the white was there, too. But just as it became unbearable, the light began to fade. Ever so slowly, the white turned into light shades of grey, and darkened until she was finally comforted by soothing darkness.

Her eyes slowly, carefully opened, revealing a horrifying new world. Ominous, dark, grey mist covered the skies- it was like a fog, a cloud, hovering just a few feet above ground, and it permeated through everything, revealing nothing to the eye beyond just mere feet. The ground was a red-yellow mix of cracked desert clay. Lightning strikes could be seen through the fog, and the earth shook and rumbled like an angry tectonic plate. Emily thought she heard barking in the distance...

So this was the plane of Zornophael: the realm of chaos.

Feeling herself severed from the physical world and seeing herself glowing had been distressing, but any concern for that had been quickly replaced by the painfully blinding light. When it receded she was very disoriented, but eventually worked out that she was lying on her back on an uneven surface and looking up into a swirling cloud of smoke. Emily didn't smell smoke or feel the heat of any flames, so she decided it must be more of a mist even though it clearly wasn't humid enough for that to be correct either.

Turning her head to the side, she noticed three things. One, the ground was dry and cracked like a lake bed and would crumble under even the subtle pressure of her turning head. Two, she couldn't see very far at all. Ten, maybe twenty feet was the limit. Three, though she was no longer bound the hair clinging to her neck reminded her that she was still covered in cum. She wasn't 100% sure whether the pill could be overwhelmed by sheer volume, but she reassured herself that it probably couldn't. She sat up cross-legged and thought for a few moments about what to do. Calling for help might be a bad idea if this is were those assholes were intending to send her, but she couldn't sit here forever either. Zornophael didn't sound like someone she wanted to meet. What the hell was this place anyway? She thought back to the man's reaction to her defiant "last words" and wondered if she really was somehow in hell.

Slowly, Emily got to her feet and looked around one more time to make sure there was nothing visible to move toward. Seeing nothing, she sighed loudly in exasperation. She didn't like having to risk her life guessing which way to walk in what could be endless miles of desert. Brushing off the crumbled soil and scraping off what cum she could helped to delay the inevitable random decision. She slicked her hair back, figuring if she was going to be caked in cum in a desert, she may as well not have her hair in her eyes too.

"Bark Bark"

Emily's mind was made up for her the moment she heard the distant dogs. At least she hoped they were dogs. Well, maybe not... She started running as quickly as she could barefoot in the opposite direction, she couldn't decide what might be worse. If it was a demon or even a wolf it might kill her the moment it finds her. If it's a dog, then it might be leading any sort of master right to her. Growing more concerned, she continued to pick her steps as quickly as she could while looking out for any signs of a place to hide.

Emily burst off as fast as her legs would take her, but the lack of grip in the dusty clay slowed her down. No matter how hard she willed her legs to go, however, the barking grew louder, and Emily quickly came to the conclusion that she was being chased. She hadn't been running for very long though, ten seconds at most. The barking stopped suddenly, and Emily put her hands on her knees to rest, out of breath from the mad dash. She turned around to ensure that she still wasn't being followed, and

BAM!

100 pounds of hellish muscle collided with her and the two toppled to the ground. The beast pressed her shoulders into the dirt, leaving its face snarling just above hers. She finally got a look at the monster on top of her.

The snarling jowl was the first thing she noticed, dripping with either blood or a red-colored saliva. The pointy ears on top of its head must've been what enabled it to detect her presence. Its eyes were a shining yellow, and its fur was a matte black; however, a stripe of fire-colored fur ran along its back. At the end of its tail was a fireball-looking thing that almost looked like it could be thrown from the tail of the hound. In addition, its entire body was extremely well-defined with muscle.

Most importantly, Emily noticed the twin members that were growing from its crotch, directly over her stomach.
Emily squinted into the smoke, straining her ears for any sign of her pursuer.

BAM!

Something large and black took two running steps through the haze and leaped into her chest before she could even take a startled step backward. Her legs came out from beneath her and she landed flat on her back with the attacker standing on her shoulders.

Trying to blink away the stars dancing in front of her eyes Emily found herself staring into the bloody jaws of a flaming hellish mockery of a dog. After a couple terrifying seconds of expecting her face to be chewed off, her attention was drawn down to her stomach by several jabs from something wet. Her jaw dropped at the sight of the two huge, throbbing shafts still growing from the hounds groin, and she flashed it an incredulous look. Was this monster really more interested in humping her leg than eating her? At least she hoped all it was going to hump was her leg. She stared at the swinging members for a few moments wondering how a mammal ever ended up with such extreme endowments.

What was the proper reaction to this craziness? Nothing intelligent was coming to mind, so she made a desperately stupid move instead. "BAD DOG! DOWN!" She shouted as she poked her fingers into its ribs.

As the members grew and began to slide along her stomach, Emily's fear grew with them. The dog began to to snarl even more ferociously and she could tell it was getting excited. It dropped its hips so that its members lined up with her tight pussy, pushing against it, slowly breaking in. The dog barked in her face, but still had not penetrated her.
Out of nowhere, an explosion of air sent the dog flying. It yelped and bolted away, forgetting about its prize of the vulnerable girl on the ground. Emily looked to the side the explosion came from and saw what looked like an angel with an awesome sword and glimmering in white.

It spoke to her in a deep and comforting voice. "Emily- you are not here by choice, which is why I will help you to escape. I cannot stay for long, as I am not in control of this plane. I am Donehris, protector of the fallen. You have been cast into this realm by the followers of Zornophael, however they made a mistake during the ceremony, giving you a chance to escape. A small chance, but a chance nonetheless. You must understand, there are many things that you will not comprehend about this place, as it is incomprehensible to a human. A few, you have already experienced.

"Here is what you must do to escape: find the shrines that contain the clothes of Asharah, and collect the ash from one of every being here in the plane. I cannot explain in full now, there is not enough time, and I can feel myself slipping away." It was true; he had become more translucent in the brief amount of time he'd been with her.

"Travel that way," he said as he pointed behind her, "to find the first shrine on your path. It contains none of the pieces of Asharah, but there are clothes and a weapon there. Kill enemies and they will turn to ash for you to collect. Whatever you do, do not let the monsters here remove your clothing, as they will undoubtedly defile you. And more importantly, watch out for the armies of Zornophael, as they will enslave you and take you to Zornophael. I will be able to come to your aid for a brief time if you shout my name three times- Donehris, Donheris, Donheris- but I may take me some time to get to you, and I need time in between teleports to rest, so use my aid wisely." He was almost gone now, but he looked at you as if to say "any questions?"

Emily's fear was gone instantly as she looked upon the angelic creature. She listened intently to it while self-consciously holding her right arm over her breasts and placing her left hand over her vajay-jay.

He got to the end of his instructions and gave her a pointed look, but it took a moment of blank staring before Emily realized her chance to ask a question was fading fast. When she worked it out, her eyes widened and she blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Where am I? I mean, what is this place?"

You've heard of the Multiverse, correct? The humanly formulated concept that there is more than one universe? Well it's true, but not the entire story. You see, there is more to it than that. If one universe can be thought of as one dimension, the Multiverse would be two dimensional. But there is another dimension, a third. The "z" to the "x,y,z" plane. This third dimension allows for "Realms," one of which you are in right now. Merges of at least one Multiverse result in a Realm, and this one is ruled by Zornophael, a sort of eternal monarch, if you will. Again, different laws apply here than what you are used to. I will be able to explain more the next time I arrive. Go, that way, to find the first shrine. Once inside, you should be able to figure out where to go next. Good luck."

Emily nodded her understanding as she watched the angel fade away, then sighed "he still didn't tell me what this place is called..."

She turned about-face and hoped that she had her direction correct as she started walking. After a few moments of trudging along in utter silence, she realized that she was utterly alone again and that covering herself was kind of pointless, so she let her hands fall to a more natural position. A shrine shouldn't be too difficult to recognize, so there wasn't much to worry about with her first instructions, but she was worried about the implications of having to kill some of these monsters. What weapon was going to be waiting at the shrine when she got there? She almost laughed aloud at the mental image of her greatest hope, a bazooka, sitting in a place of honor on an ancient shrine somewhere.

After only a few minutes of casual walking, Emily heard the occasional bark through the mist. There was no cover in sight (and in this entire world it seemed) so she crouched down to make herself less noticeable. Soon she could see a pack of dogs and what looked like the shrine. The dogs looked exactly like the one she'd seen minutes ago, and she counted five of them. The shrine was smaller than she'd imagined, and didn't look very... "shrine-y." It looked like little more than a small metallic hut. It consisted of six thin matte black round pillars supporting a grey-red roof made out of stone or clay, presumably from the ground she stood upon. The ground below the roof looked to be made of a very dark wood. It was open-faced; there were no conventional doors to speak of. It stood about 10 feet tall at its highest point and with a radius of only around 5 feet. Upon a closer look, however, Emily saw that there looked to be a trap-door in its center which appeared to lead down below.

The dogs looked like they were guarding the shrine, but if they were, they were doing a terrible job. One looked to be sleeping, three were walking around the small building in circles, and the last was lazily looking around on the opposite side of the shrine. Their apathy reminded Emily of human guards. She noticed two things that she hadn't originally upon closer inspection: one was that the dogs never seemed to walk into the shrine, instead they simply walked around it; and the second was that one of the dogs looked different than the others. He took the two by his side in rounds of the shrine, and because of this, Emily reasoned that he must be the alpha dog. The beast didn't appear too different from the others...

... Besides its three heads. Emily could only imagine what other "heads" it had, given her first encounter...

After looking at the five for a few minutes, she reasoned that her best bet was to sprint into the shrine before they could get to her, then use whatever was inside to make her escape. Hopefully she wouldn't have to kill anything.

Emily took several deep breaths to psych herself up as she waited for the alpha and his body guards to nearly come to the opposite side of the shrine. She wanted them reaching the opposite side at the same time they noticed her, not when she started running.

The moment came, and Emily exploded forward with everything she had and made a streight dash for the trap door. She was hoping beyond hope that the dogs aversion to the hut meant that they wouldn't follow her inside, but she knew she couldn't rely on that being true at all. Her only guaranteed safety from the dogs would be through the obvious trap door under the shrine.

She saw the two dogs lazily loafing around look up at her as she made her approach. By then it was already clear that the dogs weren't going to keep her from entering the shrine as she saw the lazy dogs flailing to find their feet in time and heard scrambling from behind the hut, but she knew it was going to be close getting through the trap door. She reached the hut and dropped to one knee next to the door handle. She could hear the dogs approaching the door as she grabbed the metal ring handle of the door and pulled with everything she had.

The magnificent sudden hardness beneath her feet told her she'd made it to the wood underneath the roof. She desperately reached for the metal rung that would open the trapdoor when she noticed that the three-headed-monster was snarling at her just outside the shrine, unmoving. She heard a sizzle behind her and risked a quick look to find that a dog had taken a step onto the wood and burst into flames, leaving nothing but a pile of ash. It seemed that these demons, or at least these dogs, weren't allowed into the shrines.

She pulled open the door and saw a ladder leading down into a dark room below. She carefully gripped the shiny, silver, slippery (somehow) rungs and made her way down. After a 10 foot climb, her foot touched smooth dry stone below. She looked behind her to find quite a change from what she'd seen on this god-forsaken... Planet? Lit by only a few candles, the room sparkled with ancient ominous beauty. On her right was a small pool, more of a bath actually, filled with crystal clear water inside a light marble tub. It was nearly the only object in the room that wasn't red or black. To the left and just beyond that was a mahogany table with some trinkets, a mirror, and what looked like a map. To the left of that was a mannequin that donned a strange set of... Armor? It was little more than lingerie, but Donheris did tell her that the shrine would house armor. It was composed of a black-jeweled silver tiara, a breastless black buckled corset that only went down to the waist with small pockets on either hip, black wet-look crotchless leggings, black high-heel stilettos that were sharp enough to be used as weapons, and black wet-look gloves that went up to her elbows.

And finally, to the left of that, a rope encircled a post jutting from the wall. It began with a silver handle and ended in a large sharp bullet-shaped piece of similar silver metal. Her very own rope dart.

But first- that bath looked mighty tempting.
Emily circled the room once examining its contents while checking for anything that might be hiding in here, and then went back to the large marble tub. She dipped her finger in and was more than a little surprised to find the water was much warmer than room temperature. She touched the marble sides of the tub just to make sure they weren't too hot to handle, then practically jumped in. After vigorously scrubbing herself down she realized that though she would have normally liked to soak of another twenty minutes or so, she was now swimming in what was undoubtedly a large deal of cum. It also occurred to her as she climbed out of the bath that perhaps she had just sullied her only source of fresh water. So it was infinitely relieving when she heard the sound of running water as she was air drying and glanced over to see the tub refilling itself. She used her hand to catch the new water coming in for a few drinks, and while it was warm, it was definitely clean spring water. She hadn't really noticed her thirst for everything else that was happening, but now that she'd had a drink it took several minutes more before she was no longer thirsty.

Thirst quenched, but still too wet for clothes, Emily went over to examine the weapon hanging from a hook. She knew what it was the moment she laid eyes on it, but she was more than a little amazed that an obscure weapon that served as her favorite exercise toy would be the thing laid out for her. She picked it up and gave the bullet a few vertical spins since the 10 foot ceiling gave her plenty of space to try it out. Idly twirling the weight with her right hand, she wondered if the weapon wasn't somehow magically able to change forms to suit it's user. She tried picturing a sword in her head very clearly, but the weapon just kept on obeying physics. "Oh, well" she thought as she crossed the dart in front of her twice and then caught the rope on her right knee and sent it straight out to it's full striking distance where it snapped the rope taught for moment and then clattered to the ground. It would do the trick. Emily noticed that she was probably dry enough for clothes now, so she wound the rope up into her left hand and hung it back on the wall.

Turning and really examining her clothes for the first time, Emily's mouth gaped. She briefly looked around for the other half of the outfit, but found nothing. "Oh, come onnn" she whined as she pulled it off the mannequin. It was pretty, but judging by her encounter with that first dog she suspected that it didn't offer protection where she would need it most. It was better than nothing though, so she squeezed into it. As with everything else in this place, it seemed tailored specifically to her, so the only difficulty she had came from the fact that it was skin tight. She wobbled in the extreme heels and examined herself in the mirror for a few moments to adjust the tiara in her hair before her eyes strayed to the rest of her outfit causing her to blush furiously. This was how she might dress for a thrilling night at home, not for wandering a wasteland and battling monsters. She looked to her shoes and decided she was probably going to have to stand her ground because running more than a few steps would be impossible. On the plus side, she very much reminded herself of Ivy Valentine in this getup (minus the hilariously enormous boobs).

She grabbed her weapon back off the wall and put it through a few more routines, and though she didn't dare attempt to jump on the hard stone floor she did find that her heels didn't add a great deal to the difficulty of it's use. That was reassuring at least.

Pointedly ignoring the mirror, Emily returned to the table to examine the trinkets there and to see if the map was in any way useful.

When Emily looked in the mirror, she noticed that something was different about her. Well, that was actually a drastic understatement. Everything above her neck looked a little different. The first thing she noticed was her hair: she'd gained at least ten inches, and her hair was now braided along her temples and around her head to form a halo-looking style of bright, luscious red hair. Then she looked down a tad to see her face, and the countless cosmetics that seemed to have been applied to her face. Thick black mascara, flashy red eye liner and satin red lipstick, and what looked like foundation, bronzer, and even blush. She looked down at her nails to find them all a matching red. Her hair was already "magically" dry, and she had to wonder: what caused this? Was it the water? Nothing else touched her face and hair, so what else could it be?

The revealing lingerie outfit was, indeed, skin tight, but at least that wouldn't hinder her movement. And her heels, she hoped, would stick into the soft clay, allowing her a bit more balance and coordination. In theory.
As she walked over to the table, her boobs flopped around somewhat freely, not very contained by her corset. How helpful, she thought to herself. On the table she saw a strange combination of objects: a sweet roll, a compass with "R,T,B,V" on it instead of the traditional "N,S,E,W." Something else was off about it, but she couldn't pinpoint what exactly. And thirdly, she saw a giant dildo inside a flsehlight. What the fucking hell is that... she wondered and rightly so. The map was made of old yellow frail parchment and hadfading black and red ink all over it. Most of it was illegible, but Emily could still figure some of it out nonetheless. She looked at the map and saw five "X's," and deduced from the scribbles that these were most likely shrines like this one. The path between these five shrines was fairly hectic; there was not much of a direct route from one to the next. The nearest one looked to be across some simple open plains, the one after that looked to be over a small mountain range, then two were equally spaced out in opposite directions- one across something called "The Rift" that traveled across the whole map and the other beyond a large demonic temple looking place. A version of the cardinal rose with the letters "RTBV" just like the compass revealed to her that these two objects in combination would be critical to her finding her way around this hell.

She tentatively took a bite from the sweet roll and found that she wasn't very hungry. Out of curiosity, she put her hand to her neck to count her heartbeats, and found they were absurdly slow. She approximated ten seconds and only felt six beats. It seemed that her metabolism had slowed down dramatically, but somehow her muscles seemed to still be getting enough nutrients for her not to have noticed. At least she wouldn't have to worry about food too much. One less thing.

Emily studied the map for a while to make sure she understood it. Then, studied it for a while more to determine which way she was going to have to walk away from the hut. Finally satisfied that what she needed to know for now was committed to memory, she carefully folded the map and placed both it and the compass into her left pocket. With that done she had dealt with all but one item in the room. And then there would be nothing to do but go back out and face the hounds of hell.

She picked up the fleshlight and examined it. Obviously there was a massive dildo stuffing it, but for the life of her she couldn't come up with a reason for these things being here. She considered taking them with her until she understood what they were about, but her pockets were nowhere near large enough for this and she certainly wasn't going to walk around carrying a giant dong. With a shrug she said "Well, what the fuck? I draw thee Excalibur!" and laughed to herself as she pulled the dildo from the fleshlight and held it aloft like a sword of legend and made the Zelda item chest sound "Da-Na-Na-Na!"

Emily carefully climbed the ladder, each step increasingly precarious in her so-high-it's-dumb heels. She pressed the door open, and immediately heard the snarls of the dogs around the shrine. She saw that the ashes of the dog too ambitious for his own good were still there, and pinched a few grains then dropped them into her free pocket. The four dogs left barked and slobbered all over the ground, pacing in circles around her, like sharks circling their victim before tearing it to pieces.

She slowly brought out her rope dart and began twirling it around. The dogs hardly seemed to notice, and continued in the exact same state as they had been, oblivious to the danger. Once she'd gathered sufficient speed, she let the end fly directly into the neck of the unlucky pup she'd arbitrarily chosen. For just a moment, it let out a whine, but before it'd even hit the ground it collapsed into a pile of smoldering gray ash, just like the first. The other dogs stopped in their tracks then bolted off, only now realizing the undeniable danger of this girl whom they'd nearly turned into a chew toy moments ago.

She managed to unleash one more throw at a retreating dog, catching it in the leg and causing it to fall on its face. She began to twirl her weapon once more, preparing herself for the kill shot. As she picked up speed, she looked into its eyes. The beast that had, seconds ago, been full of life, was now fading away into the horrifying abyss of death. Did she have the heart to tear away its last grip on life?

In the last moment, Emily faltered. The realization hit her that though she was an unwilling participant in this, her presence here was still an intrusion. She could not in good conscience kill the hound, and she was already regretting making that final attack as it was fleeing. She couldn't blame the hounds any more than she could blame a lion. She would leave it be, and hopefully it would heal properly on it's own.

Resolving to refrain from agressive actions in the future, Emily turned to the hut to get her bearings before setting off in the direction of the next shrine. While walking she wound up the rope, but continued to hold it in her right hand for the time being in case she needed it again. Thankfully, the hounds blood turned to ash and flaked off the dart as soon as it was seperated from the body so she didn't have to figure out how to clean up after the fight.

Moments after the hut faded into the eerie gray fog that saturated this place, Emily felt the pounding of legs on the earth through the ground. She firmly planted her heels into the soft clay, realizing that the possible only advantage to wearing them was the firm stance they provided in this environment (anywhere else with harder ground, of course, would make them nearly useless). She began to wind up her weapon when she pinpointed the source of the vibrations to be behind her; she rapidly spun around to see two quickly approaching dogs bolting through the fog! It seemed as though these were the final two dogs she'd yet to deal with, as the alpha growled along with his companion heading directly for Emily. She had limited time before they reached her, only enough for maybe two shots.

Emily was actually very surprised that the dogs had turned around and reengaged her so quickly. She figured that they would peruse her, but didn't think that they would be so bold after their initial rout. Thankfully, she already had her weapon spinning overhand so she quickly let the rope curl around her right elbow and let a reverse elbow shot fly toward the smaller leading dog before she even turned around. She jerked the dart back toward her and turned as she caught the rope in her right hand again and spun it over her right leg to straddle the rope as she spun the dart overhand again and waited for the Alpha dog to close some of the distance. She wanted to hit it hard, and she couldn't afford to miss. When it got within three strides, she shifted her weight to her right foot and crossed her left behind her to catch the spinning rope right above the dart before kicking, shooting the dart out from an extremely low angle.

The first dog didn't have the reactions to dodge the projectile, and took a hurtling metal dart straight to the jugular. Just like the others, it quickly turned to ash. The alpha dog seemed to be much smarter however. It knew Emily would send another shot, just not when. It gathered a ball of flame on its tail as it ran towards her, the flame increasing in size with each step. When she finally let the weapon fly, it whipped the ball off of its tail in a deft and incredibly fast motion. The flame hurdled through the air around the pup and made direct contact with the bullet, sending it flying right back towards its owner. The weapon flew right through her legs and coiled around her ankle, pulling her leg behind her and spinning her to the ground. Of course, this all happened in less than a second, too fast for her to react, so the next thing she knew she had her elbows and knees in the ground with her ass in the air...

She shuddered with fear when the paws of the dog slammed into the ground on either side of her.

"Oh, God" She thought, not even knowing whether she was burned or not from the fireball as she saw the paws appear in her field of vision to join her own hands. Fear and adrenaline will do that. She frantically scanned for any signs of her weapon, but found that the closest piece was the rope already wrapped around her ankle. If she could get to it, it could still be a good stabbing weapon. The dogs breath was coming heavily against Emily's neck and shoulders as the middle head growled ferociously, causing her to lower her head and raise her shoulders in the hopes that it wouldn't be able to snap at her neck or head as she stretched to reach her ankle and the rope wound around it. She wrapped her fingers around the rope and started tugging, tugging and hoping to get the end that she wanted.

The demon snarled on top of her, relishing in its domination of her body. Its noticing her reaching for her weapon, however, brought it out of its temporary moment of non-aggression. It bent its front legs and tilted its body for a better angle, and -

SNAP!

With lightning fast speed, the head on the side shot out and bit into her arm. Her hand opened reflexively against her will, releasing her grip on the rope. The head pulled her arm behind her back where it couldn't cause any more problems. With this arm behind her back, her shoulder fell into the clay. At the last second, she turned her head to the side so that she could at least breath, instead of have her face buried in the ground. It was mercifully dry, and consequently, no dust seemed to stick to her.

SNAP!

The head on the other side had attacked her other arm without warning and pulled it behind her back as well, leaving her with no support and her tits and cheek in contact with the earth below. The middle head bit both of her arms, keeping them in place while the other two were free to softly tease her body with their tongues and teeth.

Then she felt the gentle but increasing pressure of three members on both her holes.

"GAAAHHH!!" teeth clamped onto Emilys wrist and jerked her arm behind her back to drop her face into the ground. "Fuuuck, NO NO NO NO..." Panic set in as her other wrist was bitten and yanked behind her before she could get hold of the weapon she dropped. She tried vainly to shuffle away from the dog, but was held too firmly.

"Donheris" she mumbled, seeing his intervention as her only way out at this point. Just saying it had a calming effect, because she knew help would soon be on the way. Panic subsided, allowing her to analyze her situation. She noticed that though her arems where being held roughly, and were surely punctured by several teeth, it would have been simpler and safer for the dog to have snapped or crushed her bones. "Donheris" She said more loudly this time. She still wanted out of this, after all. She felt the dog prodding at her backside and had no confusion about the fact that it intended to breed with her. And holy shit, what kind of creature has three members? (or did you mean 3 poking at each in which case add a "!?!?!" to that holy shit) There was definitly still a looming fear of whatever exactly this thing intended to do to her, but at that moment Emily had an epiphany.

Survival, not comfort, was what was important right now. This place was likely rife with monsters that would pose truly deadly threats, and Emily could only count on the angel-thing for so much help. She couldn't afford to waste that help on creatues that weren't showing any interest in killing her. For now, she would hold Donheris's name on her tongue and wait until she either found an opportunity to escape this on her own or saw a more imminent danger than a horny dog. Or at least she would try to wait. If she couldn't handle things, she would have to call out.

Still, there was a lot to be apprehensive about in between the lines of her decision. This was going to happen. She uncomfortably shifted away from the growing pressure against her pussy and ass and tried to calm herself. Unfortunately, biding her time until the dog wore itself out was all she could do for now, as even a kick from one of her heels was impossible from this position..

The three members slowly increased in pressure and she could feel two trying to penetrate her pussy leaving the other to her ass. The dog struggled for a solid minute, using all its pelvic muscles to force the members in, but to no avail. Her pussy was simply too tight for both cocks to fuck it, for now at least. The dog pulled its hips up a bit, lining up only the bottom two with her holes, leaving the third to slide between her ass cheeks. For the second time, it slowly increased its pressure against her. She knew that she would be better off relaxing her ass, but nonetheless had trouble doing so. The dog began to pant slowly, and the pressure became too great for her orifices to handle. The two monstrous cocks slid inside of her, stretching her beyond her limits with the double penetration. Luckily for her, the dog's members were coated in some natural lubricant, easing their entrance into her and lowering the pain it caused to her, but only slightly. It seemed to moan, anthropomorphically so, into her ears from both sides. The jaws of the heads on either side relaxed in ecstasy and slobber ran onto the ground below. The dicks, especially the one in her ass, stretched and tore her to no end as the dog pushed its way all the way inside of her, as deep as it could possibly go. Its balls (of course, huge as well) lightly kissed the front of her vaginal lips as the dog forced its cocks as deep as her body would allow them to go. As far as she could tell, there were no knots on its cocks, which, at least, lessened the humiliation a bit. It slowly brought its pelvis up and its dicks out of her until only the heads remained inside, pushing on her sphincters from the inside. She knew that now it knew its limits, and would certainly speed up and fuck her much harder in the coming minutes.
Last edited by [Brand_Name] on Sat Feb 01, 2014 2:52 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby [Brand_Name] » Fri Jan 31, 2014 2:45 am

Part II
Spoiler (click to show/hide):

Emily was thrilled that the hound gave up trying to stuff two cocks into her pussy since the force it was using was starting to hurt, but not so much that it decided to run the extra one over her back. If it was going to rape her, it could at least have the courtesy to rub against her clit as it does so. She might have stopped to wonder at such a lewd thought, but there wasn't time to do so before the cocks were back at her holes and persistently trying to get in.

A long, rising moan is torn from Emily as the two large cocks are slowly forced into her. There was no amount of relaxation or lubrication that could prevent pain from such large cocks, though she tried her best at the former and couldn't help but appreciate the latter. She trembled and groaned as she struggled to adjust to the size of the cocks as they relentlessly pressed onward. She was no stranger to anal, but she had never taken anything nearly as large as this and despite the lubrication the pain was terribly sharp. Finally, the hound managed to hilt himself in her where he paused for a minute while they both panted heavily. This gave Emily a few precious moments to adjust to being so absolutely filled and to reconsider her predicament.

The world blurred as Emily's eyes teared up. Already, she wasn't sure about going through with her plan. The only thing more humiliating than being the bitch to some hellhound was the knowledge that she could do something to stop it, and wasn't doing it. Donheris was the nuclear option and, frankly, too awesome to use, but his existence meant that on some level she was choosing this. It was an excruciating state of mind to have pride and comfort pitted against her best odds at survival.

So, the feeling of the cocks withdrawing and preparing to fuck her in earnest was met with an odd mixture of apprehension and relief. The pain had only begun to subside, so she was apprehensive about the enthusiastic fucking that was sure to come. However, it was a relief to just get on with things so she could focus on the abuse of her body rather than agonizing over what might be. Her decision was made, and she didn't want to think on it any more. She tried instead to come up with a sexy thought to help make what was coming easier on her, but the pain she felt in so many places at the moment was just a little too real to ignore and she drew a blank. In a way, that was still a successful distraction.

Her "distraction" was shattered when the dog put the entirety of his weight into a forceful thrust that pounded her so hard she slid forward a few inches on the ground. He drove his massive cocks deep into her ass and pussy and smacked her clit hard with his balls. Before she could even take a breath to recuperate, he pulled back and slammed into again, just as hard. He pulled out, and forced his way back in, again, again, and again, speeding up as he went. She had never felt so full before, but her ass felt like it was going to be ripped apart. This relentless dog never seemed to stop. SLAM, out, SLAM, out, SLAM, out... On and on it went, but the dog showed no sign of slowing down or finishing. It drove its members all the way into her and she felt a light kiss on her cervix, and it sure as hell felt like the cock in her ass was plowing all the way to her colon. The unstoppable dog sped up into a demonic frenzy, and her nether regions transformed into a temple of friction.

Emily cried out with the first several thrusts. First from the shock of the force, and then from the pain. Teeth were still clamped tightly onto her forearms even as she was forced to pull against them by the forceful thrusts. The crumbled clay grated against her cheek, knees, and sensitive nipples as she was pushed forward against it. Most importantly, her pussy and ass were being impaled by two of the largest cocks she had ever even seen.

As the hound picked up it's pace Emily's pain peaked, and then slowly, so slowly, began to be exchanged for pleasure. For several minutes it just seemed that the pain got a little more manageable with each thrust. Then, nearly twenty minutes into the assault she suddenly realized that she was arching her back to give the hound the deepest possible access to her body and bucking her hips in time with the thrusts. It was an utterly shameful realization, but she couldn't bring herself to stop. With the pain rapidly retreating into the recesses of her mind, the dogs almost mechanical thrusting of it's massive pricks, augmented by it's heavy balls clapping against her clit with every hard thrust, began to feel more and more amazing. She had never been so utterly filled before in her life, nor would she ever get fuller she noted as a particuarly deep thrust from the hound found a new way to make her uncomfortable by prodding against her cervix.

Still, it wasn't much longer before she began to cum. There in the middle of a desert being raped by a dog, she had an orgasm. She moaned and trembled as their mixed juices dribbled down her thighs until they ultimately soaked into the clay beneith them. The hound, for his part, utterly ignored Emily save to clamp down harder on her forearms to hold her steady where he wanted her as he worked himself into a frenzy.

After Emily covered the dog and herself with her own fluids, it began to slow down considerably until, finally, it stopped entirely... In fact, it pulled out of her entirely. Emily thought the beast was finished with her, but it maintained its firm grip on her forearms. And then she felt more pressure on her ass and pussy- but this time, she felt two sources breaking into her vagina. The dog had lowered its hips and now was trying to penetrate her pussy with two cocks! Just like the last time, the pressure seemed insurmountable and the dog was surely stuck outside of her, unable to fuck her properly. But this time, however, she was smothered in her own lubricant, easing the entrance of the three giant dicks. The beast wasted no time; it thrust itself deep and hard into her, hilting its members as deep as they could go. It seemed that this monster was nowhere near finished.

Emily groaned and shifted uncomfortably as the beast pulled out of her. She knew it was just a physical response to the sensory overload she was experiencing, but she found it hard not to be upset that she had gotten off on this monsters abuse. Just as disturbing was the fact that the emptiness she felt now was almost as unbearable as the initial penetration had been. It made a small part of her irrationally wish that he would continue just a little longer.

Then she felt him trying to press back in and regretted even that small mental betrayal. Two cocks forced their heads just inside her sex, pushing her beyond her already stretched limits. Emily cried out then and gave escape another try in ernest then. Teeth punctured flesh as she pulled against the jaws holding her arms, but using her legs to pull against them she managed to move forward somewhat, dislodge the shafts trying to enter her, and get her face out of the dirt momentarily.

Her attempt came to an abrupt end when the nearly immovable hound, still unrelenting on her arms though he now tasted blood, stopped resisting and took one step forward. The earth rose up to meet Emily before doing a spin and exploding into stars. That single step took away all her leverage, leaving Emily to face plant in the dirt. The hound saw no reason to waste the opportunity he had with the dazed woman, quickly realigning his members before using all his weight to ram them home.

In her dazed state Emily heard the scream before she worked out that she was the one making the sound. She didn't remember the initial penetration as the painful stretching of her loins that she now felt moments later, but as a sharp pain and blackness punctuated with red bursts that consumed her body and vision in an instant. Without even his prior courtesy of starting slow, the monster began to thrust his hips.

The beast quaked with pleasure when it finally shoved all three cocks deep inside her. Her scream was heard by nobody and nothing except for the dog fucking her. Her situation seemed completely hopeless without Donheris to help her. She regretted her decision to not call for his aid when her world distorted into a red hell of pain, but she found the willpower to keep the words at bay. She'd already endured so much, and the wolf must be nearing its climax, she thought. It felt nothing but pleasure forcing its members into the tight holes of its toy, while she felt unbearable pain. But just like the last time, very gradually, pleasure bubbled up with the pain. The beast began to throb inside of her, its massive cocks growing in size and warmth whilst deep inside her. The unstoppable thrusting into her over and over again had taken its toll, and soon she was nearing the edge of another orgasm- but she could tell that the monster plowing her was as well.

Emily had been prepared for, if unhappy about, everything that happened up until now, but this was far beyond what she thought would even be possible. The pain was incomprehensible for several minutes, leaving her unable to speak, let alone call for help. By the time she regained her faculties enough to be able to call Donheris, there was hardly a point to doing so. The worst was already over, though she promised herself she would give up and call him if the hound didn't let up after this.

As the pain rolled around to pleasure she once again found herself rocking into the hounds deep thrusts and even taunting him into pumping his hips harder. She wasn't proud of it, but at the time she rationalized that it was to get him finished faster even as she felt the early stirrings of an orgasm. At the same time, the three pricks using her begin to swell and pulse indicating that the hound too felt the beginnings of climax.

He finished first, but the feeling of his hilted cocks throbbing as her insides were sprayed with exceptionally hot cum quickly brought Emily over the edge. She came hard as their mixed fluids overflowed what little room there was left in her pussy and practically sprayed out onto the ground as the dog continued to ejaculate.

Emily's second orgasm was even more powerful than the first, and her legs were consequently smothered with both her and the dog's ejaculate. While all she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and go to sleep, the monster on top of her was still cumming furiously into her holes. With his cocks still buried inside her, she felt his jaw relax on her arms as he opened up his maw in a moment of ecstasy. It seemed as though he'd forgotten that her weapon was still wrapped around her leg...
This could be her only chance to escape!

Emily was exhausted, but she felt the hounds own fatigue as it slowed down it's thrusts and just pressed down while continuing to spray copious amounts of ejaculate into her. Her stomach began to cramp from the cum that couldn't escape her ass, while the two cocks stretching her poor, abused vagina made little channels allowing the cum to run rivers down her thighs.

Then she felt his jaw relax on her arms and she knew she had a chance. Without acting too quickly, she didn't want to miss or mess up this opportunity, Emily shifted to bring her knees as far forward as possible without alerting or annoying the dog. That was everything she could do to improve her odds, so ready or not this was it. Suddenly, Emily exploded into motion. She yanked her arms out in both directions with all the force she could manage. Her right hand went predictably to the dart at her calf, but as both a distraction and revenge her left hand curled around under the dogs left head and clamped onto it's trachea with every bit of her strength. Using that moment of shock and pain, she rolled the dart over in her hand to point skyward and thrust it up between the jaw bones of the right head through it's tongue into it's hard palate.

As the dog reared back in pain and surprise, Emily let go of the dart and rolled onto her back. She couldn't contain a gasp as the three large cocks were swiftly pulled out of her at weird angles thanks to her twisting, but nevertheless the moment she hit her back she pulled her weary and nearly numb legs up to her chest and kicked out with everything she could muster to try and drive her heel spikes into its chest.

Her explosion of vengeance caught the beast by surprise: she felt its trachea collapse when she pressed firmly enough, and the head began to spit and groan. The right head went limp nearly instantly, but only after a bit of blood coated her hand. When she finally escaped its grip (rather, the cocks from her orifices), she accidentally managed to break one nearly in half. She had rolled onto her side a bit, snapping the cock in her ass so that it hung loosely from torn skin and muscle as the dog nursed its wounds to no avail prior to its imminent death. It seemed the only portion of the animal still alive was the middle head, but it was in too much pain to attack her in any way. She drove her heels deep into its chest, exactly where she imagined its heart and lungs to be, as a glossy film glazed over its eyes. The entirety of its body went limp and sunk onto the spikes on her heels. Starting from its extremities, the monster gradually turned into nothing more than a mere pile of ash, no different than its brethren.

Emily spluttered as the dissolving dog rained ash onto her body, clinging to the sweat caused by her recent... exertion. She was sore all over, but as one would expect her ass, pussy, and forearms where the worst for the wear. After wiping the ash from her face, she simply lay back and let exhaustion overcome her.
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby UnLimiTeD » Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:27 pm

Hey, this is some pretty quality text.
I think I got confused there a bit with the repetition from viewpoints, but it was a good read no less.
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby Lynxy » Mon Feb 03, 2014 8:17 pm

Yeah, that's getting sorted. From now on there will be an indication when the perspective shifts.
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby axmanjack » Tue Feb 04, 2014 5:36 am

Can't steal what doesn't belong to me, lol.

You're always posting in my threads, so I thought I'd return the favor and post some honest criticism seeing as how you asked for it and all.

So... uh, here.

Spoiler (click to show/hide):

Not bad, but the execution definitely needs some polish and you could go a ways cleaning up your grammar and punctuation.

Also, you have a tendency to explain the story rather than tell it, which slows down the pacing.
Passages like "She slicked her hair back, figuring if she was going to be caked in cum in a desert, she may as well not have her hair in her eyes too," can be clipped down a bit to speed up the cadence of the paragraph.

If you punch up your writing by trimming down long, descriptive sentences and dropping in a few short declaratives to keep the action pumping along, then your work will read cleaner, quicker and be more attention grabbing.

Additionally, you may want to thicken up either Emily or her partner's personalities a bit. The sex is better in erotica if your character is either very bland and easy for the reader to imprint his or herself onto, or if they're a well-developed sort of archetype that the reader would like to act upon or be acted upon by. In Pressia, for example, Katie was the established "action girl" type (with a bit more depth I hope) usually being acted upon by the pseudo-faceless domineering types.

Regardless, if you're having fun writing, then don't let me dissuade you from your current path, these are just a few spare pointers I had lying around.


Hope that helped and didn't burn a thousand bridges.
See you around
-AMJ
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby Lynxy » Tue Feb 04, 2014 6:10 am

Lol, ouch. That's almost all my stuff.

So... erm... What does one do to "thicken" personality? IF you don't mind my asking.
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby axmanjack » Tue Feb 04, 2014 8:17 am

Sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh, I get and give criticism for a living, so my buffer is worn thin. And, I didn't single that stuff out in particular, I just took random examples from wherever.

There's no singular, objectively correct way to answer that question, but try to think of it as making your character a real person. Or, better yet, understand your character as a real person that you're just getting to meet. What they like about the world you put them in, what they dislike, what they fear or anticipate or yearn for, those are the sort of little things that give your character life. And you can't just address them, you've got to let the revelations ease to the surface on their own.
There's a difference between
"She knew she loved him from the moment she saw him, but she knew he would never be interested in a girl like her"
and
"For a second, the brief moment when his fingers curled around the stem of the wineglass, she wished she were wine, and, he, thirsty."

Granted, the latter example is a bit corny-poet (which is my own bullshit style), but it sets the scene and addresses the unrequited love aspect of the first sentence without actually using the words outright. This is just the method I like to use, and there is, of course, other and better ways to go about giving your character a bit more character without just describing them.

Mostly, just remember that it's your character and you know them best, so go with your gut and let them speak for themselves. Great details can make a good topping, but if you bury them in the subtext you might find them more capable of bearing fruit.

I will also admit that I am often told I'm full of shit and I rarely disagree with my accusers.

Regardless,
Good luck and keep writing,
-AMJ
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby Zeus Kabob » Tue Feb 04, 2014 9:26 am

Ooh I love character creation. If I wanted to make a "deep" character, this is an example of my thought process. This will be quick, but making a good character should take much more time (2-8 hours, story integration not included).

I start with a brief concept

Ex college student, ex military, ex security, ex husband. John's an ex in everything. He's just turned 40, and with nothing on his plate he's in desperation. Despite their shady nature, the promises of normalcy drew him to the shady organization called Raven.

I then go on to primary characteristics: To put on paper, you can always use the Big Five.
Openness: John is average in his openness to new experiences. He can appreciate classic art, but he has trouble with modern art. High cuisine is lost on him, and he likes to eat the same meals and keep his schedule fairly consistent.

Conscientiousness: John is very conscientious. He plans ahead, keeps his resolve, and accomplishes what he sets out to do.

Extroversion: John is an introvert. He keeps his emotions private, and doesn't like to share his business with others, even his wife and child. He tries to solve everything on his own, pushing others away if they try to help him.

Agreeableness: John is not especially agreeable. In social situations he tends to be very methodical, and if people rub him the wrong way he will avoid them. If people pity him, he will respond with anger, but otherwise he is slow to anger.

Neuroticism: John is neurotic. He needs to keep to his schedules and plans, and when his plans go awry or his schedule is broken, he gets very nervous.

Right now, this character is very bland. He's got all the skeleton of personality without any of the mannerisms or experiences that make him really interesting. That's what I would fill out next, his experiences. I typically go from childhood forward, with his childhood having the largest effect on his Big Five scores. After his early childhood come more experiences, which will affect his knowledge. After that are his recent experiences; these are what affect him most. Extremely important experiences will stick with him, but as time goes on the sharpness of the events diminish. A death as a kid will be less important to him than a death four years ago.

Early Childhood/primary school: He was the older of two siblings. His younger brother quickly became more talented in school than he, getting better grades and impressing teachers. His parents were happy with his younger brother Andrew, but they were fairly distant with him. His father was not happy with his "underachieving".

High school/College: He was bullied for his freshman year, but when he got into a fight at the end of his freshman year he injured 4 kids and put 2 more in the hospital. From then on, people kept their distance. Once he got into college (U of M), he realized he was out of his league. He went in declared Chemistry (he always loved his high school chemistry classes), but the classes were too hard. He switched to Business, then to Kinesiology, but the classes were too tough. After 6 years in college, his father cut him off. He joined the military so he could finish college.

Military: 5 tours of duty. 7 years. 4 platoons, but his performance was exemplary. 6 confirmed kills when he saved his squad from an ambush. All but one. Noland was killed during the ambush by a stray bullet. John was winged by one of the shots, and he left duty with a purple heart.

Uh, it's been like 2 hours of me half working on this, so I'm gonna leave it here. You pretty much get the idea (plus you can already see why teenage and child characters are so much easier), so I think you might be able to use this. If you've got more questions about characters, motivations, mannerisms, et cetera, send me a PM. :)
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby Lynxy » Tue Feb 04, 2014 4:01 pm

Wow, that pulled quite a response...

Hmmm... Well clearly this character didn't take as long as others to make. I'll see what I can do to patch her, but no promises at this point... All I can do is apply gold foil, if you get my meaning.
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Re: Banished | An Original LoK Novel | by BN + LY

Postby Lynxy » Tue Feb 04, 2014 7:21 pm

If you see something I've done right that I can expand on, let me know. That would be just as helpful as the things I should never do again. Image
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