The Angel of Sacrifice (Stalled/Abandoned short story)

[RagnorakSquall]

Oh boy, I sure hate people like Iaa.

They fly off the handle with their hormonal responses on the internet.

You old enough to be on this forum, bro?

I could ask you the same question. We've not even talked together, and you already hate me.
You trollin' bro?

Lol when i read this, i looked up, very confused, cause i couldn't find where lucky777 had posted that, and was wondering if you had gone quite insane....

In regards to the story, very well written, though im not much of an author, so i cant really give sound advice. I was a sorta-author when i attended highschool, but i gave that up for illegal substance abuse

But FUCK, i gotta say, that mlp story in your sig is waaaaaay off, like that made me kringe.... jesus

[ByHisBillowingBeard]

Okay, so here are some things that I've noticed.
BLAH BLAH BLAH IF I WROTE MY OWN STORY I'D DO THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Ohmigod. Personally, as a bit of a writer myself, I hate people like you. = .=

If you REALLY read the beginning, it's setting up the story. You can tell what kind of person she is from the bit of a messy room, she's just moving into wherever she is, etc. And it is in the middle of a situation. The bad dream? Kinda set-up or foreshadowing in my eyes. JEEZUZ. If you wanna complain, go write your own story. > .<

Hate is a strong word. Shouldn't be used that casually.
You didn't really read what I wrote. I read the OLD version.
Also, the author ASKED for opinions.

You're not too clever, are you? You actually don't even have a say in this matter. If the writer dislikes what I said, then it's the writers task to tell me off, not you.
Also, I do write a lot too.
So yeah. Let me be frank. Shut the fuck up and get commenting on the story, telling the writer how you see it.
Thank you.

EDIT: Finally, if you didn't expect to get an angry reply,then don't tell people you hate them before you know them. What you just said was a surefire way of making me mad. Be more neutral and patient when telling people what you think they're doing wrongly. A short "I disagree" and then some text would have been plenty.

Like a Boss

[Rooiehaan #2]

aside the useless bitching, the non-relevant bull and the dilemma about where to put it~
i really liked it. I haven't read the initial first chapter, but this seemed pretty solid
like the guy above mentioned, you've got a very clean style of writing. a tad much on the details (at least at the beginning, starting off with too much details can be a pain)
but after the first three paragraphs or so its all good.
the only thing i'd like to suggest is that you make your sentences a little shorter; instead of a sentence with 25 words i'd suggest making it 18 or so (random numbers lol)
pretty proud its based on a char in my rp, btw :3

thats my sixty bucks Dx

[talin]

now for a few fight scenes! As for the "cock blocking" angels

Spoiler (click to show/hide):

Angels have demon converts they use as servants, these include lust demons. Also, if you read the recent events of the RP this is based off of you will see she is heading strait towards a very big rape scene and a bunch of demons are nearby, that is after she fights off that pesky goul i threw at her (yes i put my own character in a vulnerable position with a goul)

[dndman997]

very nice story

[MastrMarz]

Okay, so here are some things that I've noticed.
BLAH BLAH BLAH IF I WROTE MY OWN STORY I'D DO THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Ohmigod. Personally, as a bit of a writer myself, I hate people like you. = .=

If you REALLY read the beginning, it's setting up the story. You can tell what kind of person she is from the bit of a messy room, she's just moving into wherever she is, etc. And it is in the middle of a situation. The bad dream? Kinda set-up or foreshadowing in my eyes. JEEZUZ. If you wanna complain, go write your own story. > .<

Hate is a strong word. My feelings have truly been hurt. Sniffle sniffle.

xD Wow, if you don't like what I said, calm down and ignore it.

[laa]

xD Wow, if you don't like what I said, calm down and ignore it.

Says the guy who hated on me the first time we ever talked together. Regardless of two-faced-ness, I was actually being calm...
You don't want to see me when I'm not... >:D

[talin]

oh ya, if you guys didnt notice i made it a bit more worthy of an adult forum

[ByHisBillowingBeard]

Mmmm .. you've changed your... tenses or... perspective of narration. Whatever it's called.

Throughout most, it's been:

"She looked....
He went..
She sat.."
I guess that's past, really.

ANYWAY, it's changed halfway/two thirds of the way through to:

She looks..
He goes..
She sits..

Which.. is a rather large change, I think. Seems more like a script then instead of when it seemed to be a story that was being told.
Get what I mean? :s

[talin]

it might have been because on part was done at one time and the other was done more recently, i need to watch myself, thanks for pointing that out. ill work on that although i dont know if a want to keep the past tense in the past, might make it all sort of present tense. ill make a poll

never mind, no poll for you, sry. im making it completely past tense. i just am a natual past tense writer it feels wierder editing it for present tense than past.

Ok, now i feel very happy with the first chapter, even though im definatly going to be doing a second chapter and quite possibly a third later on i just want to thank everone on the feedback and the pointers. i tried to a take as many as i could into account while sticking to my own style of writing. if you guys want to compare it with the original mess ill attach it to the story. also take into account that while i do have decent spelling, i did this using microsoft word so most mistakes i made were covered by that although i think the 2010 version is a bit screwy, it keeps wanting me to change Tali's name to "Talus" or else it says i got a grammar problem wouldnt be a grammar problem if i switched her name. wierd.

[ByHisBillowingBeard]

You can 'add it to the dictionary' so that it'll stop trying to change it.

[talin]

It counting them as grammar mistakes for some reason, i already did the add-to-dictionary stuff. it seems to count it as a proper noun without counting it as a name.

[Lucky777]

(You realise that a bullet hitting a sword in your hand is probably going to break your wrist and disarm you, right?)

[stundif]

(You realise that a bullet hitting a sword in your hand is probably going to break your wrist and disarm you, right?)

I dont think so. Energy of bullet is only so big, as is energy that pushes pistol back during shoot. So, getting hit by bullet to sword (when impact energy is spreaded across sword) is almost same feeling as to get small punch to sword. Simply, bullets have too small weight to carry enough kinetic energy to do something like this.

[Lucky777]

I find the "bullets only have the same energy as the kickback of the gun" statement attractive, but the kickback of a gun does not rip a hole in a man.

Simply

If you want to test it you can go ahead, but I am pretty sure it would fuck your hand up.

[stundif]

kickback of a gun does not rip a hole in a man.

Of course not. But imagine regular bullet, its material (brass and lead), size of its tip (2mm square), weight (about 1 gram), and speed (300m/s). At other side we have human body, witch is made 70 % of water. Impact speed causes that whole body act like liquid, for short period of time (hydropressure waves, and so), and due this body have no chance to survive.
But sword is made from steel, so the bullet is the one, who is destroyed (only in direct hit, otherwise bullet slip away from sword). Energy of bullet is there divided between moving whole sword, and affecting wrist. Whole sword also act like one sided lever, so energy affecting wrist is reduced much more.
I can recomend to watch Mythbusters, those things are there tested all time.