The Angel of Sacrifice (Stalled/Abandoned short story)

[talin]

This WAS going to be a short but heartfelt tale on a poor lost soul who wishes for kindness and fun but instead gets pain and duties with a small side of heroisim.
Key word: WAS. I might still finish it but ive decided that i need to spend less time on my laptop and more time dealing with real life. *shudder* SO... if i finish it, it won't be posted here for quite some time. feel free to read the 3rd draft down below but dont expect for all that character building to actually go anywhere to intresting.

[talin]

The Angel of Sacrifice

Prologue: It’s Only a Dream

Tali charged forward through a massive battlefield where a small battalion of people dressed in white struggled against a horde of demonic creatures mixed with people dressed in red and black. She slashed out at several of the horde members with her katana, constantly moving and slashing. She saw a young girl in her mid-teens hiding behind two others fighting off three of the horde each healing their wounds with a bluish magic as soon as they got hurt.

She thought they were covered until a massive creature charged in and ripped one of the defenders in half. The other was quickly pounced on by the other three attackers and the creature grabbed the healer by the neck and pinned her down on her stomach. It was quick to remove her clothes with shredding claws and with an evil smile; it raised a massive cock to impale the girl with.

Tali flew into a rage as she saw what the thing was planning to do to her. “Die you fucking bastard!” She screamed at a demonic figure as she dashed forward slashing at his arms and rushing around to his side to avoid a powerful swipe at her. She jumped at him and stabbed her blade into his back, using the handle that stuck out as a hand hold to get on him. He tried to stand and shake her off but she had already pulled out the sword and stepped up to his shoulders.

With one swift motion she decapitated the creature and rocked forward on his shoulders. She shoved off through the air, pushing his body backwards and landing with a roll. She quickly went back to help the poor girl with who was horribly injured with several gashes glistening red with blood. “Come on, you have to get out of here, it’s a massacre and your too weak to help!” The girl looked up pleadingly at her savior, “No, I have to help the others!” Tali shook her head, “listen! I’m going to try and save more, gather them up and get them out! We are outnumbered here!” The girl opened her mouth to retort but then decided it was best to just save as many as she could. The girl headed for the exit of the camp and hid in the ruins to gather any that escaped. Tali noticed a second person in trouble by two well-armed people dressed in black. Tali was going to dash forward until she was grabbed from behind…




Chapter 1: Like Any Other Day

Tali flipped over and flailed her arms wildly as she was woken out of a nightmarish dream. She kicked at the blankets which only tangled around her further. Tali screamed and fell off her bed into a heap of frightened teenager and a mess of cotton quilt, certain it was trying to kill her. She eventually fought her way out of the killer comforter and smacked the alarm clock that had awoken her in the first place then fell back against the side of her bed exhausted.

She felt angry and scared, mostly angry that she was scared. The dream always seemed so real. People being horribly raped, slaughtered, and dragged off for god only knows what reason. Every morning she awoke irritated and a little scared despite always striving to never back down from anything. Her mind wandered for a bit as the dream faded.

She glanced around her messy room strewn with boxes of still packed art supplies, posters, swords, and computer stuff. In the far corner she had a small wooden desk covered in papers, computer games, and her laptop. Next to that was a large closet with a mirror hanging on the wall beside it. Near that, on the wall her bed was next to, was a window that looked over to the neighboring apartment.

Her walls already had a few posters from alt rock bands and anime, but the item that stood out the most was a 2 ½ foot katana resting in a wall mount next to the door. It was designed to look and act like a smooth wooden sword that could be used for training when the sheath was attached and locked in place by a small shallow key hole on the handle. She kept the key for this around her neck on a small silver chain and took the sword almost everywhere she went.

Tali looked and the mess, not looking forward to cleaning it up when she got back. “What a way to start the morning” she mumbled irritated and a little drowsy. After a few minutes of trying to focus, she sighed and finished separating herself from her killer blue flower blanket and wandered over to her closet. She stopped at a mirror hanging by the closet door and gave her frazzled form a look over in it.

She was a little less than 5 feet tall with long, dark blonde hair falling loosely over her shoulders and face covering two dark green eyes with gold flecks. Her skin was pale with a slightly pinkish color resulting from her frantic episode earlier making her face seem childish for a 19 year old girl. She had a thin but otherwise healthy face; her body was lean and athletic in build with perky C-cup breasts and a sexy hourglass figure.

Tali opened her closet door and rummaged around in some boxes of clothes she had yet to unpack before pulling out a white silky dress with a matching silver belt and hair ribbon. Tali slung her chosen attire over her shoulder and headed into the bathroom where she turned on the water for a shower and set her clothes on the counter next to the sink. With an effortless brush of her hands she slid the straps of her nightgown off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor. After testing the water to see if it had warmed up, she stepped inside and letting the hot water run over her sensitive skin.

Tali started becoming aroused from the hot water flowing over her and began openly exploring herself, playing with her hard nipples and steadily fingering herself and rubbing her clit. Her breathing increased as she ventured deep inside herself, expertly manipulating her fingers to intensify the pleasure while her other hand stimulated her breasts. Tali, between the water and her experienced fingers knowing exactly how to please her, knew she couldn’t take much more. She came so hard that her legs almost gave out as her juices flowed down between her smooth legs.

After taking care of her remaining hygiene needs, Tali finished washing herself off and stepped out refreshed and quite happy. She quickly dressed up in the clothes she chose earlier before rushing back to her room to grab her pack, laptop, and “practice” stick for college.

Tali rushed out of her apartment, down the stairs, and out the door. She began heading toward the college when she spotted her longtime best-friend, Jamie, walking up ahead. She was a fair skinned, red haired girl, slightly taller than Tali by a few inches. She had large DD cup breasts Tali just loved to mess with and a filled out body that drove every guy in town crazy. She was wearing tight jeans and a red T-shirt under a leather biker jacket. Jamie had always had a thing for speed and had set several speed records on the nearby lake beds in her jet bike.

A smile came on to Tali’s face as she crept up on her friend. “Got you!” she yelled triumphantly, as she grabbed onto Jamie’s massive boobs from behind. Jamie screamed, Tali laughed and then got smacked upside the head before they both burst out laughing again. “I swear, if you keep grabbing them, I’m going to start thinking you’re a lesbian!” Jamie remarked at her friend. Tali smiled, “well, if I was going to fuck a girl, you would defiantly be my first choice. Look at you! You got the curves that drive the whole town insane!” Jamie giggled and struck a brief pose, showing off her overly large breasts, before more laughing and giggling ensued.

The friend’s joked and talked about boobs, guys, and various other topics the last four blocks to the college grounds before heading off to their respective classes. Jamie was going into engine mechanics which wasn’t really a surprise considering her hobby of racing. Tali was going for a job in graphic design. She loved drawing and painting plus her side hobby of video games made graphic design her natural calling.

After her artistic classes, Tali took an early lunch and hung out with Jamie and another friend of hers, Kyle, who was an art major like herself but was more into traditional art and the older styles from historic Europe. He was bisexual and often spent as much time looking at guys as the two girls did yet he was still trying to “get in good” with the girls, or so he acted. The three unlikely friends ventured off to the auditorium where they shared perverted jokes and ate beef sandwiches from a nearby Arby’s. They all talked about guys they might want to screw, eventually causing the girls to question if Kyle really was “playing on both sides of the fence”.

Tali and Jamie looked at each other and smiled “are you sure you’re interested in us?” “Well, yes but I just I didn’t think you guys would be interested in which girls I was after!” Kyle insisted. The girls stood up in front of him and Jamie said, “Well lets test that claim out!” right before her and Tali leaned in for a long, sensual kiss; rubbing each other bodies until Jamie’s shirt and Tali's dress came off in all the action leaving the girls incredibly exposed. Jamie with her breasts almost overflowing out of her bra and Tali in nothing but her lace thong revealing that she had elected to go without a bra today. Jamie picked Tali up and she wrapped her legs around Jamie’s waist before flipping back with a seductive smile at Kyle whose jaw dropped and promptly pitched a 7 inch tent in his pants at Tali's perky breasts jiggling right in front of him. Tali flipped herself up, still wrapped around Jamie, and they both laughed at Kyle’s obvious arousal.

His face went bright red and he tried to cover it up muttering about him telling them so. Tali hopped off and Jamie picked up her shirt. Both the girls redressed teasing Kyle and asking him if he enjoyed the show. He only smiled a little and admitting that he defiantly did. The three finished lunch and Kyle took off to “take care of something” causing the girls to snicker as he was not very good at hiding what it was.

Tali went through her next few classes as the day went on, every once in a while running into Jamie or Kyle in the halls until the end of the day where she applied for the kempo club, they were fairly certain she would be let in seeing as she had already been in one before college and had brought her own wooden sword but still they wanted to have her join in a small tournament to gauge her skill level.

Her first opponent was an 18 year old Japanese exchange student name Hido who had been practicing for many years. Tali bowed respectfully of his culture and went into a neutral fighting stance with her weight evenly distributed and sword held out directly in front of her. The young man returned the gesture and struck up a more aggressive fighting stance with his weight slightly favoring his forward leg and sword more pointed towards her than up to defend against incoming attacks. Tali took note of this and prepared to counter his obvious attack style.

The gong rang and Tali's opponent charged with his sword ready to strike. Tali dodged to the side of his attack and dashed forward, twisting her wooden sword sideways as she went past him making her sheathed blade connect with his midsection. He doubled over and she gracefully spun into the resistance, pulling her weapon around and placing herself behind him. With a quick step forward, she came up on his other side and rested her sword on the back of his neck. After he muttered something about luck he quickly sat down next to the other members of the club.

The next opponent, a bouncy blonde named Samantha, stepped up and did a quick bow and then took up a stance with her weight even and sword slightly tilted back into a defensive position meaning she was planning on sparing and wearing her opponent down before striking, Tali returned the bow and smiled back genuinely pleased to meet someone who took as much joy from sword fighting as she did then prepared for a somewhat longer, more interesting match as she herself was a skilled sparring partner.

The gong rang and Tali rushed forward just short of allowing Samantha to touch her with her sword and faked a few slashes to put her on the defensive. After a few minutes of fake rushes and attack Tali feigned a weakness, she swung down low and exposed her side to the eager blonde who tried to exploit the weakness. Tali was ready. She quickly twisted her sword and brought her sheathed blade up to block the attack. She slid down the attacking sword and pivoted her blade around the other girl’s weapon until it was simultaneously holding the other sword up and out of the way while jabbing the tip of Tali's sheath right at the other girl’s neck.

After a few more matches, Tali came out almost as good as the sensei, only beaten by a tricky maneuver that ended with her legs being swept out from under her and a sword point resting right between her breasts.

After Kempo club it was getting later and most people had headed home for the day, Tali decided she would take a quick shower before heading home despite it only being five blocks away. On her way there she ran into Kyle who had stayed after for homework and was taking a shortcut through the gym. “Hi Kyle, hope you weren’t distracted in class today!” Tali teased with a friendly tone. Kyle smiled awkwardly and looked more serious than playful at the moment, almost like he was trying to figure out how to say something.

“Actually, Tali… I… I kind of was… distracted I mean.” Tali looked concerned at her friend. Kyle continued, “I actually needed to talk to you about something. Just bear with me through this ok?” Tali was now a little worried. “All today I couldn’t think straight, it was weird but I could only think of… of you. Your little quirks, your constant cheeriness, and your ability to try things most people would only dream of trying. You took on a bear with a tree limb to save me! At the time I thought it was Jamie that saved me that day but I heard the stories, it was you. You saved me, and several times since then as well. When I was mortified at myself to the point of wanting suicide after I found out I liked men, your kindness and support kept me sane!”

Tali was visibly uncomfortable as he poured out his heart to her. She liked him, sure but she wasn’t sure if it was what Kyle felt. Kyle continued on, expressing his love to her until finally he just came out and said it. “I’ve come to realize I love you Tali, I’m sorry if this awkward and uncomfortable but… you told me once that if you never try something, you will never know whether you truly are not meant to do it.” With that, complete silence filled the air.

Tali's mind reeled. It was a lot to take in and while she wasn’t a coward by any means, she wasn’t sure that she was ready to go that far. After a few minutes Kyle gave up, he was about to walk off in shame when Tali made her decision. She grabbed Kyle and yanked him in close for a long deep kiss. Pulling back after a minute, she looked right up at him and smiled “Well, I did say that. I guess you got a date Kyle.”

Tali yanked him into the shower rooms where they started making out with immense passion. Gradually clothes started coming off and Kyle was forced to sit down by Tali's hand on his chest. She slid her thong all the way down and tossed it over her shoulder before she hoped on his lap with his thick 7 inch dick rubbing up against her tight, moistening vagina. He fondled and played with her shapely breasts while fingering her as she slowly rubbed the lips of her pussy up and down the side of his shaft. They made out on the shower bench; grinding exploring each other’s body until Tali was completely soaked.

Kyle picked her up and laid her back on the wooden seat before he hesitantly prodded her pussy. Tali lifted an eyebrow at his hesitation and wrapped her legs around him, yanking him closer, making her go cross-eyed and exhale sharply as he filled her out all the way to her womb. Kyle moaned as her tight hole wrapped tightly around him. Between her slight annoyance at his pause and the feeling of her insides being absolutely soaked, he took the hint that he should be trying to ram his rod right into her womb.

Kyle began thrusting eagerly, giving into his instincts and going hard and fast. Tali pushed him so he leaned further back, making his dick go in as far as he can get it, moaning and yelling with absolute pleasure. His cock pushed deeper and deeper until finally making her orgasm all over his thrusting cock. Even as Tali came, she felt herself become only more and more aroused. Kyle reached down with one hand and began twisting and stimulating her nipple, his other hand being used to pull her deeper on to his dick at still increasing speed while angling her so he can try and get at her G-spot.

Tali and Kyle fuck for a little while longer before Kyle finally manages to find her G-spot, making her convulse wildly with an orgasm that made her eyes roll back and then finally relax, out of breath and soaking wet with sweat and come. Kyle moved to pull out and finish himself, foolishly thinking she was done, but Tali grabbed his arm and sat herself back up. “I don’t think so!” she said in a determined voice, sliding herself right back down on his cock. “Now it’s your turn!”

Tali tightened her pussy like a vice around the base of his cock before sliding it all the way up his shaft and then slamming herself down on it. Tali went on increasing her speed, amazed at his endurance. As she began to get close again, Kyle groaned and began to try and warn Tali he was about to come, “T-T-Tali I-I can’t… hold out… much…” Tali felt his balls tense up; she smiled and gave him one last slide then shoved herself down as far as she could go with a small moan as she realized she had also reach her limit, letting him blow his whole load, point blank, into her womb again and again while coming exactly at the same time.

Kyle bucked and groaned as his eyes bulged and he fell back against the bench with Tali herself eventually subsiding and falling on top of him, both being completely exhausted. “Tali… why did… I tried to warn…” Tali put her finger on his lips, “you think I would start college without being on birth control?” Tali said with small laugh.

She push herself back up and pulled herself off his now softening dick, inhaling sharply as her sensitive skin rubbed up against it. She walked over to the shower and began washing herself off before she gathered up her clothes and put them on, figuring she would take them off when she went home. She got Kyle to get up and showered as well before he took her home in his truck. She stepped out and waved as Kyle drove off before walking toward her apartment.

She had just opened the door when she heard a scream come from the alleyway. Alarmed and curious, she unlocked her blade and proceeded to the side of the building. When she looked around the corner, she saw three men robbing and attempting to rape one of the girls she had seen in the college hallways.

Without thinking of herself, Tali drew her sword and sprinted forward. The men barely had time to react before she was upon them. She kicked one down and used the handle of her sword to smash another in the head; the third one grabbed a two-by-four and tried to hit her with it. Tali cut it in half with her sword, then kicked him in the face, dropping him to the ground as his nose broke under her foot. The second man made the mistake of pulling a gun out and shooting it at her.

Tali dodged to the side just as he fired and the bullet whizzed past her. “Now it’s personal.” Tali said in a fairly calm, level voice. She dodge to the right and forward bringing her blade up to slice a deep gash into his wrist, only being saved from being severed by him trying to turn and run. The gun dropped to the ground and the man stumbled away screaming and swearing.

The first man she had kicked was just starting to come to and began crawling towards the gun, unnoticed. Tali grabbed the girl she was trying to save by the hand and pulled her up, “get out of here, call the cops!” Tali told her urgently. The girl began running toward the alley exit when the final guy had crawled over to the gun and grabbed it, “If I can’t have you, no one will!” Tali looked over to see the man point the gun at the fleeing girl. She didn’t think, she just stepped in front of him and held her sword right in front of her. The first bullet came, it hit the upper edge of her sword and split on the razor edged steel. The second one came and missed right past her head. Tali dashed forward and the third bullet hit her in the side, she staggered but kept running trying to use her sword to deflect the bullets again. The girl looked back and saw Tali reach the man right as a fourth shot went off and his head flew off and bounced along the ground. The girl was scared and saw Tali drop to her knees. She ran away to find a phone or an officer.

Tali sat on the cold cement. Her breathe was fast and shallow, here heart was racing and blood pooled out around her. Her vision blurred and she tasted an odd copper taste. “You think you brave huh?” It was the man who’s hand she had nearly cut off. “Well something tells me you aren’t going to be brave for long!” Tali feels a boot hit her in the back and she sprawls out on the ground, tears springing from her eyes. There isn’t a cop around here for shit and the phone booths been cut for a while now. Your friend can’t save you.”
He laughed and Tali began to feel really woozy from blood loss. She tried to get up but just ended up rolling on her side. The man laughed again. “I’m going to make you pay for my hand you bitch!” He quickly walked up to her and kicked her in the gut, causing her to spit up blood. He kicked her again and again eventually running off when a nearby police officer showed up to investigate the gun shots, but she was already feeling herself lose consciousness. She was already too far gone…

End chapter 1

[ByHisBillowingBeard]

Wondering whether this is in the right place #and now reads#

[FruitSmoothie]

It's not, new people come in and just post whatever they want in the most active forums because they want attention. This story belongs here: viewforum.php?f=25 in the roleplay forum. Hopefully it was just an accident this time, they don't seem like an idiot.

[zferolie]

... We have an Rp forum? *honestly has only bookmarked this section.

[BlueLight]

dear users that seems to be bitching about a request i made to the mods.
This thread was in the general section and it didn't really have any reason to be there. I requested this be moved to the creative corner for one reason.
It's creative! Ren has already said basically as long as you can show your doing something creative it goes here and that's what i told the mod in the report.

Now as for this going in to the RP section... I'm not seeing it. He's not playing the role! he's writing a story which can be copy righted. (AKA it's creative. Can't copyright a RP!)
If your going to reply to me just do it in a PM please.

[zferolie]

dear users that seems to be bitching about a request i made to the mods.
This thread was in the general section and it didn't really have any reason to be there. I requested this be moved to the creative corner for one reason.
It's creative! Ren has already said basically as long as you can show your doing something creative it goes here and that's what i told the mod in the report.

Now as for this going in to the RP section... I'm not seeing it. He's not playing the role! he's writing a story which can be copy righted. (AKA it's creative. Can't copyright a RP!)
If your going to reply to me just do it in a PM please.

Oh, I'm not complaining, I like it, and it fits here. I am just surprised we had an RP forum...

[suki888]

Rp is the best place for this story

[CoinMaster]

This really should be in the RP section. As mentioned in the first post this isn't a story(yet) as much as it is a backstory for a character, so it's character development. I agree that it is very well written and creative but, as also mentioned in the first post, it's not fully original as only some parts are made up while the rest is a turn on a already written bio for another character.

There's my 2 pennies.

P.s.
If I have jumped to a conclusion on your first post, sorry, just ignore me if that's that case xD

[BlueLight]

Rp is the best place for this story

Fine. Explain why if it's the best spot.

[talin]

Its more of a fan fic for one of my characters so it isnt an RP. also rewriting the first chapter, she seemed to be to timid for the first part. i want her to be friendly and peacful but not fearful. also making it more worthy of an adult forum so expect more nudity and mature scenes

[ByHisBillowingBeard]

I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that This ... part of the forum was for things like animations and whatnot specifically. Could be wrong but that's how I maybe interpreted what was said the last time something like this happened.
The only bitching I'm noticing is from BlueLight, personally. Just ..calm...

There's my 5 dollars

[talin]

Ok, we got all the stuff figured out and it's where it belongs in the creative forum. So, any comments on the story so far? Keep in mind that it still a work in progress so come back everyonce and a while and you might find a chapter or 2 added on or you can wait til it's finished and read it all then. Presonally i find the new first chapter more in tune with how i want Tali to act and I feel that is better describes her personality as well as her localized little world she is living before she "moves on"

[laa]

I read some of it before the change, so I'm not going to comment the story (it seems to have changed a bit, and I'm not the avid reader, only the wannabe-author).

Okay, so here are some things that I've noticed.
You start a random morning in her life. This isn't good, even though it may be a simple way to begin a story. It's important to start the story in the middle of a situation, showing the reader what it is that's interesting about the character. If it's a cutter, you'd start in a scene where he's holding his knife above his vein.
Also, the paragraphs doesn't vary in length. The length of a paragraph indicates the amount of action going on. Single line paragraphs indicate that the story is really taking action, while longer paragraphs indicate a more slow scene, where things and details are getting added. I've heard, that changing the speed that the story moves in, will increase the intensity of the story.
The first time I read the beginning of it, it was filled with useless details, such as a white roof and her annoying alarm clock. It's important not to bombard the readers with details they can't use. This is also why it's important to start where something happens, like I said before. Again, I'm too lazy to reread it, but that's just my 5 cents.

Oh, and I must say, that's some clean writing you've got going there! You're great at spelling, constructing actual sentences and making sure that the grammar is, at least most of the time, correct.

I'm no writing professor or editor, so only listen to me if you feel that I'm right.

To the "No, it's supposed to be THERE!" discussion, I must say, I saw no problem with this being in the General section, or in this section. Actually, I think it might have been better for Talin if it was left there, as it might be difficult to get some attention at this piece of writing, in a sub-forum filled with sex games, which is what people are primarily here for. I think it's sad that it's been moved here. :/

[MastrMarz]

Okay, so here are some things that I've noticed.
BLAH BLAH BLAH IF I WROTE MY OWN STORY I'D DO THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Ohmigod. Personally, as a bit of a writer myself, I hate people like you. = .=

If you REALLY read the beginning, it's setting up the story. You can tell what kind of person she is from the bit of a messy room, she's just moving into wherever she is, etc. And it is in the middle of a situation. The bad dream? Kinda set-up or foreshadowing in my eyes. JEEZUZ. If you wanna complain, go write your own story. > .<

[laa]

Okay, so here are some things that I've noticed.
BLAH BLAH BLAH IF I WROTE MY OWN STORY I'D DO THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Ohmigod. Personally, as a bit of a writer myself, I hate people like you. = .=

If you REALLY read the beginning, it's setting up the story. You can tell what kind of person she is from the bit of a messy room, she's just moving into wherever she is, etc. And it is in the middle of a situation. The bad dream? Kinda set-up or foreshadowing in my eyes. JEEZUZ. If you wanna complain, go write your own story. > .<

Hate is a strong word. Shouldn't be used that casually.
You didn't really read what I wrote. I read the OLD version.
Also, the author ASKED for opinions.

You're not too clever, are you? You actually don't even have a say in this matter. If the writer dislikes what I said, then it's the writers task to tell me off, not you.
Also, I do write a lot too.
So yeah. Let me be frank. Shut the fuck up and get commenting on the story, telling the writer how you see it.
Thank you.

EDIT: Finally, if you didn't expect to get an angry reply,then don't tell people you hate them before you know them. What you just said was a surefire way of making me mad. Be more neutral and patient when telling people what you think they're doing wrongly. A short "I disagree" and then some text would have been plenty.

[Lucky777]

I like this version better than the previous one, due in no small part to the gratuitous sexual content it contains.

I didn't spot any crippling grammatical mistakes in the one reading I gave it, so congratulations on that.

I probably won't actually follow the whole story, since cockblocking angels aren't my preferred reading topic by any stretch of the imagination, but I've no objective criticism.

[laa]

Oh boy, I sure hate people like Iaa.

They fly off the handle with their hormonal responses on the internet.

You old enough to be on this forum, bro?

I could ask you the same question. We've not even talked together, and you already hate me.
You trollin' bro?

[Lucky777]

Heh. It was hard to resist the temptation to take that jab at ya. I'll actually go back up and edit the post to talk about the story now.

[laa]

It was my plan to make my first post serious, and then wait for the response. Depending on the response, I'd determine if a person was trolling or not.
Got a little confused when you jumped in from the side there. Haha