Legend of Krystal Forums

• Following my players' requests I added some hints at the beginning.
• Now players don't have to search for the library (inappropriate hotel sign was deleted).
• You have a hint where to go training.
• It's easier to find the sex shop.
• Some semantic errors were fixed.

Abelius Wrote:Looks promising. The plot is original, your maps look lively and well designed and the art is also sexy. It could turn out to be pretty good.

However, you should totally look for a proofreader/editor. English is not my main language and my eyes cried blood all the same. It's very distracting. Not trying to make fun of you, just my humble advice. At Lemmasoft forums there is a good deal of people willing to collab, and they're specialized in visual novels.

Also, providing better directions or even a quest journal would be nice. I was for five good minutes looking for the Library around the map, and when I was going to give up I went inside an "Inn" only to discover that it was the library. Just some sparkling effect would have been enough. That's a minor thing though.

Good work overall!

JivaSan Wrote:I understand, but I don't get enough to pay someone for that, and people who do it free, they often go away as easy as the come to you.

JivaSan Wrote:Could you give me an example where I did wrong?

Spoiler (click to show/hide):

Our team found a few positive results that lead us to a branch of enemy elimination. The cure (Specimen #69) seemed to be the most dangerous of them. The plan we'd come up with had to be given its own hazard grade given these conditions

Abelius Wrote:

JivaSan Wrote:I understand, but I don't get enough to pay someone for that, and people who do it free, they often go away as easy as the come to you.

I'd tend to agree with you, but that forum is known to be a hub of well-intentioned people, as well reasonably professional. Take a look here:
https://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewforum.php?f=63

JivaSan Wrote:Could you give me an example where I did wrong?

I'm Spanish, and although my English is more or less good, I'm not the best advisor regarding correct American English and slang.

In fact, we resourced to a fan to do proofreading for our own game. But just as an example:

Spoiler (click to show/hide):

I'd have written instead...:
After successfully completing several experiments, it was decided to attack the enemy first, "curing" the most dangerous of them.
And in order to implement the plan, several hazard categories were devised.

Again, I insist that I'm not a native English speaker, so I may well be wrong or not totally correct, but I think this is more clear for anyone who's trying to make sense of the story. That's why I used the word "editor", because the main issue is not an occasional typo, but a 'style' problem, I think.

Anyway, I see many little charming details in your game, and I recognize a work of love when I see one. Don't let my criticism let you down and keep the good work!

Muchas gracias!

musical74 Wrote:"Our team found a few positive results that lead us to a branch of enemy elimination. The cure (Specimen #69) seemed to be the most dangerous of them. The plan we'd come up with had to be given its own hazard grade given these conditions"

Beast said it! (if you know enough about the X-men, this should give you a laugh; he is a scientist after all...)

Ungawa Wrote:I might take a look after a few updates. I've been so busy with another project that it's basically taken me away from doing any spell checks.

@Abelius

I'm assuming a scientist is saying this in game? What should be happening is that a scientist has a process to what they're saying and a method to their madness.

The sentence should start with the process of determination and such. I'd write it like this:

Our team found a few positive results that lead us to a branch of enemy elimination. The cure (Specimen #69) seemed to be the most dangerous of them. The plan we'd come up with had to be given its own hazard grade given these conditions

The reason for this is to have a scientist, built for lab subjects and controlled environment, give a nonchalant answer that seems to hide how much of a hazard the mission really is. Of course, there's also context and what you're saying is a good alternative. But giving characters a spot of personality after you see the text can certainly assist in making the game stand out.

Ungawa Wrote:@Abelius
I'm assuming a scientist is saying this in game? What should be happening is that a scientist has a process to what they're saying and a method to their madness.

JivaSan Wrote:Thanks for the link. I'll try it.
Your comment is like a glass of cold water in the heat!
I'll keep doing my best!

Darthjake Wrote:As a native English speaker I'd say that is a very good example, having not played this demo yet. I have played the LOK demo, and did not find anything that really broke my immersion in the story while playing, so I think you have a good grasp on the subject matter.

Samus85aran Wrote:What i ihave to do in the fisrt day after finish to train in the park ?

i go to the house and try to sleep in bed but nothing , i' am stuck

• The text is completely edited.
• Its conceptual structure is improved.
• Some stylistic and punctuation mistakes are corrected.
• Dialogue window has a new look.
  (It's more suitable for the main character's appearance.)
• Pictures that show time of the day are remade.

FMC Wrote:I got the game through Patreon, but the link on these forums is said to be expired.