Legend of Krystal Forums

Hey guys and girls!

I've just started working on a game and I could really use some feedback.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/etfjl0kqf4cu3 ... n.rar?dl=0

It's going to be a visual novel type adult game (although the visual part is seriously lacking at the moment).
I've (sort of) finished the prologue story, but before I continue working on it I wanted to see what you think about it.

Cheers!

Ben

ps. I've protected the rar file with a password: "desperation"

The prologue is literally just "oh darn I'm broke and unemployed and the rent is due guess I gotta pay with my body eww dick cheese the end."

Normally a story with this title would be "I'm desperate to earn some money so that I don't have to suck my landlord's plague-ridden dick to avoid dying in the street," but that's already happened, so it's too late to tell that story. Her dignity's already gone and everything else will be lighter by comparison. Any time she hesitates you're going to wonder why, considering that she's already done worse.

I also don't have any real reason to care what happens to her and I'm actually kind of annoyed with her having gotten into this hole. Especially if every situation is going to be a bunch of fake choices with "pay using alternative means, wink wink" being the only real one.

Harshly put but I think I probably have to agree with Seyser. Not trying to discourage you though. Just maybe rethink how things should go.

To be honest...There are quite a few of these types of stories for many games. Not just on this forum, but everywhere. "I need to make money because I'm out." I have seen it a million times. The only thing that draws people in to these types of stories are usually uniqe game play, or pleasant artwork. I'm not saying it can't work, but you need to have something to draw the audience to, and so far I'm not seeing that.

HOWEVER...I did come up with an idea that could still keep the idea of being desperate but change up the formula. The beginning to the plot right now sounds like a generic porno, but what if the reason why is because it is just that...a porno. The reason why your character is desperate is that she needs the money, and the only way she can do it is through porn. Start it out as home made videos where you will start out making videos such as "I lost my job and need to pay the rent." until you can make higher quality movies with higher pay. Have that be the gameplay, not the story.

But that's my idea. You can take it or leave it, it doesn't really matter to me. I'm going to say, work on it a little bit and then bring it back to the forum. I would suggest working on some artwork, because that is what will draw people to your game.

But hey...I'm just a Bear Made out of Cheese.

It's aight.

Bonus points if she can end up on some in-universe equivalent or just plain crack cocaine.

Without detailed written scenes, awesome artwork, or both, though, it's not going to have much of a draw.